Tab guide to procrasturbation

Always procasturbate responsibly


‘Chads’. Any idea what they are? The chances are that you’ve been exposed to them since infancy. They occupy every classroom in the country, they’re a nightmare to clear up, you might even have some in your room now. If you didn’t already know, the ubiquitous ‘Chad’ is the annoying little circle of paper your hole puncher pops out when one is hole punching. We all know what chads are, we’ve all made chads, but few of us will be acquainted with the precise terminology.

The more you know

The more you know

Masturbating to procrastinate is another phenomenon that is hidden in plain sight, and yet until now it hasn’t been a ‘thing’ because it never had a word.

But now ‘Procrasturbation’ is making its way into common parlance, and this changes everything.

Now I’m a vigorous procrastibator, unknowingly I was one for years, and exam term is the perfect time for it. At school we recognised that there was something rather special about that particular type of wank. It became known simply as the ‘the revision wank’.

In my first year I only brought up the revision wank once. I just expected everyone to be a revision wanker. Alas, I was made to feel ostracised by my partaking in what I believe is a brilliant pastime.

Headache? No problem – Revision wank! Couldn’t get your head around that tricky problem? Revision wank! Managed to get your head around that tricky problem? Celebratory revision wank! Study leave and you’re home alone… you get the idea. This is an example of procrasturbation in use. And it’s hugely effective.

Some of us have got this shit covered

Try not to envy my expertise

For whatever reason, be it the endorphin rush, the increased blood flow triggered by vigorous wrist movement, or just beating out your exam term sexual frustration, procrasturbating has a wonderful habit of both clearing your head and invigorating you. It is the best form of procrastinating.

Watching telly makes you sluggish, tidying your room can only be done so many times, eating excessively makes you feel good but then guilty. A wank on the other hand is free, it’s healthy, and it’s mind altering without the possibly risky side effects of study drugs or caffeine. Caffeine will perk you up, but you could sacrifice sleep before that all important exam. A wank could prep you for that final two hours of study, and then another wank will make you feel all nice and content and ready for bed.

Procrasturbation is something to be celebrated. We all love masturbating, we all love procrastinating, and merging the two can make us happier, healthier and more productive (although less reproductive if you enjoy it too much and decide to forsake intimate relations forever).

Happiness, health and prosperity guaranteed

Happiness, health and prosperity guaranteed

While I advise we all take some time to love ourselves and procrasturbate, I want you to procrasturbate responsibly, so here are a few things to bear in mind.

  1. If you’re a man do not get any fluids on your hands. Recently cleric Mücahid Cihad Han announced that it will make your hands pregnant in the afterlife. I was told wanking would make me blind and I laughed – two years on I have the eyesight of a mole. I’m taking no chances with this one.
  2. Lock your door.
  3. Turn off your phone. If someone calls you, and you answer while you’re in the middle of a hand party they’ll never know that they spoke to you whilst you were cracking one out, but you will. You’ll always know, and when you next look them in the eye you will remember.

    Can't. Unsee.

    Can’t. Unsee.

  4. Realise that you can overdose. Too much could make you exhausted, set fire to your genitalia, the list goes on. Keep it short, keep it simple, then crack out some revision.
  5. Try and do it without porn because as Mr Bick says it is naughty, and also without it you can focus your revision weary mind on conjuring up all sorts of sexy thoughts thus banishing any thoughts of exams. Think of it as a kind of meditation.

So there we have it, your foolproof guide to procrasturbation. You can thank me later – for now you have some procrasturbating to do.