Cambridge’s Most Eligible Bachelor: Week 1

Its four o’clock on a bright but chilly October afternoon.

This being my first official interview with the winner of the Cambridge’s Most Eligible Bachelor’s competition, I was slightly apprehensive.

He had chosen the Copper Kettle as the meet.  “The Queen came here once, so, so ought the King” he would quip later upon arrival.

The first thing that struck me was his height, or lack of. In person he is much smaller than the Bachelor campaign would suggest.

His attire also raised a few eyebrows amongst the regulars and tourists, yet the waiter remained unperturbed as he ordered a cappuccino; extra shot, skinny – (it’s pre-season still apparently).

He then continued to explain how his preference was for Bosnian coffee, Sarajevo to be precise, but that you couldn’t get that here.

After another round of pleasantries I proceeded to fire my first question.

Forgive me for being facetious, but why ARE you still here?

No don’t worry, that’s a fair question and is something that I get asked a lot, unsurprisingly. I’ve won everything there is to win here: the first, the blue, drinking Socs, the Tab, even college. Perhaps I ought to have left in my prime. But look at the likes of S Club, Obama, Misogyny…. They all should have quit a long time ago at their peak, but instead they try to cling on, attempting to rekindle past glories. I’m no different.

I guess you’re right. 

(ZBH nods)

So you mentioned Obama just now, is a political career an ambition of yours?

Well now you ask, I did think about being Union President at some point, and I’m not about to rule that out entirely. But right now I’m just focussing on my work, you know, my art, the creative stuff. Escapism. I think I’m going to try my hand at deep house.

Like Bieber?!

Bieber? No, think Hugh Laurie

oh..ah.. okay, erm..

(ZBH nods)

So embracing your creative side is important to you. Do you place a big emphasis on being seminal, or do you just want to be well received?

Hmm, that’s tough question. Of course I enjoy climaxing as much as anyone, but I do try to be selfless as put the needs of my partner first.

Erm. Right. Yes. Moving on…

(ZBH nods)

You naturally appear to be a very cultured man, is this innate or acquired do you believe.

Of course to a degree it is innate; however I attribute my extensive travels around the globe with helping foster my development. I am a strong believer in the importance of cultural awareness, and strive never to make an embarrassing or offensive fois gras.

One can tell.

Many unfounded rumours naturally circulate around you, but is it true that you once got in a fight with King Charles at Girton Spring Ball?

Hah. Well, yes I guess. You know I’ve never really agreed with elitism, and I was always on Camilla’s side anyway. But you know I didn’t actually do any fighting of course. I just stood behind my bigger friends and sprayed VK’s around.

Classic ZBH

(We both laugh in agreement)

Obviously you have many fans of your work including myself, but don’t you ever worry what people might think of you? Some readers might think you were slightly egotistical.

That is true, but living in the spotlight teaches you to ignore it all. If I read every bad thing that people have to say about me, I would have less time to write about me. Anyway, if other people also start tab-trolling me then I can stop having do it myself like previously.

And with that his phone buzzes and he apologises for having to dash off. Something about a social with CUSWSS.

—

If you missed ZBH at the fringe and want to see his new stand up show… don’t watch him play football, he usually sits on the bench.