Miss B Talks Dirty: The Fuckbuddy

Miss B shares the secrets of ‘no strings attached’ sex…

Miss B Tasha Sales

Sex in a relationship is intimate, comfortable and often very good, but can get a little samey. Sex when single is exciting, different every time, often educational, but absolutely terrifying. As Buddhists and Blairites alike have learned, there is a Middle Path, a Third Way. Let me share with you the joys my darlings, of the fuckbuddy.

The charming man I bedded on a regular basis last term is a great example (coo-eee!). I was single and horny. He was available and cute. And we had absolutely nothing in common. I asked him out for a drink, we went dancing, and I took him home with me. And this is where the magic begins.

The first time is never going to be great. You’re probably a bit drunk, a bit unsure, and unless you have the body of an adonis and an ego to match, it’s always a bit scary getting naked in front of someone new. You don’t know what the other wants or likes. Sexually at least, it’s not going to be dynamite.

But you know what they say boys and girls – practice makes perfect. I saw my playmate every two or three days for most of term, and practice did make pretty damn good. He’d come over, we’d take our clothes off, do lots of very naughty things to each other for … oooh… about an hour, maybe an hour and a half, we’d have a little chat (“So how was your day?”) and then he’d leave in time for lectures, dinner or bed. When we’d had enough of each other, there were a couple of polite texts, and I’m sure I’ll see him around.

Regular sex, with no responsibilities further than contraception, and you can demand whatever tickles your fancy. Who cares if they think you’re weird, you don’t have to talk to them.

The How To Guide

First you need to find the lucky recipient-to-be of your bodily fluids. Do not confuse the fuckbuddy with the friend-with-benefits, which is much more complicated, and there is much more to lose, this should be someone you don’t really know, and definitely does not go to your college. Likely candidates include people you think are cute but too irritating, stupid, or obsessed with some kind of marginal sport to actually consider dating. Indeed it is preferable if you find their personality slightly repulsive, as you are less likely to get attached. They must simply be pleasant looking, sexually active (please, please, please don’t take anyone’s virginity) and ideally single. Looking only for these criteria may involve a slight adjustment in the way you look at people, but with practice, it is achievable.

You then need to get your groove on. Ask them out, ask them over, whatever it is that normally gets people into your bed. Flirt a lot. We want to push the chemistry, and not the conversation. Mention how you’re enjoying single life, not looking for a relationship and how cute their butt looks in those jeans. Everyone likes to be liked, and if they decline your advances, they’re not your friend, you have little to lose. Be brave (or if you can’t do that, be drunk), put on your cheekiest grin and repeat after me: “Wanna go to bed?” Rarely fails.

After the first time, the magic words are “That was great, we should do it again sometime.” Then no game playing is necessary, you’re not trying to get them to like you: text the next day, arrange to meet soon. Make sure you’re explicit about what you want (I mean that, for once, in the non sexual meaning of the word!). E.g. “Come over for playtime at 5ish tomorrow?” No dinners, no movies, no frivolities.

No Strings Attatched

Ben*, a second year linguist, isn’t that sure. “I guess I prefer relationships. The sex is more meaningful, and don’t tell my mates, but I quite like cuddling afterwards. I’m not sure I could do that with someone I didn’t know very well. But I suppose it sounds preferable to a one night stand, I’ve never done that, and never want to.”

So, it isn’t for everyone. You are, at base, sleeping with a stranger, so it’s recommended you have flexible moral standards. Girls and boys are both guilty of getting attached to people they’re sleeping with, thus strong resolve or a deep set fear of commitment are helpful. And then there’s the diseases thing. If you’re not comfortable sharing ‘funny stories’ about Clinic 1A at Addenbrookes, use a condom, and risk herpes.

If, however, a relationship is not what you want, but a little sharing and caring is definitely on the agenda, start going through your Facebook friends, and find that lucky girl or boy.

Voudrais-tu couches avec moi ce soir? Et peut-être Dimanche aussi?

Stay safe, and enjoy the ride.


Miss B

Have a saucy story to share with Miss B? Email [email protected] Illustrations by Tasha Sales *Names have been changed.