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Breaking: Epigram to close in shock blow to student journalism at Bristol

‘What are on earth are we going to put on our CVs now?’

The Tab can announce today that after years of dwindling finances and declining print readership, Bristol’s independent student newspaper Epigram is to close at the end of term. Following a number of heated editorial conferences in the student funded Media Suite, Editors Noa Leach and Alex Bolton took the decision earlier this week, with issue 327 set to be the last ever.

Epigram’s reader was reportedly “gutted” at the news, telling The Tab that “I’m stunned to be quite honest. I’ve often glanced at the headlines as I was stuffing copies into my boots to yomp across Langford. It gave everyone a voice- whether they were dull, illiterate or merely just self-obsessed. Lack of talent was never a barrier to promotion in Epigram. This is a sad day for the noble cause of student journalism.”

It is not yet know what fate will befall the beloved Epigram mascot

After an august year in which the paper promoted a sustainability issue by decimating and pulping a small forest, there was shock and anger at the current state of affairs. Speaking off the record, one online deputy assistant sub editor told The Tab “We’re all furious to be quite honest with you. What are on earth are we going to put on our CVs now?”

However, there are signs that the editorial team are now looking ahead to the future and for pastures new. One such case is Online Editor Georgia Marsh who has indicated a desire to return to her calling as a talk show host on Burst and further spread the lyrics of the “gifted and insightful” Ed Sheeran. Head of Business Aravin Skantha was thought to be pondering a grad job with Cuadrilla or BHS to further demonstrate his financial aptitude whilst Puzzles Editor Joselyn Joanes refused to comment on rumours she’d been interviewed for a posting at GCHQ.

In a surprise move, Comment Editor Ed Southgate has been snapped up by alt-right site Breitbart to replace graduating Ben Kew in the slot of ‘Right wing provocateur’. His online assistant, the loquacious Cameron Scheijde, is planning to reaffirm his commitment to lost causes by joining the local Lib Dem press office whilst Deputy Editor Jake 'Pravda' Porter meanwhile looks set to continue the struggle for communist revolution on his Twitter page.

Many of the team's 72 editors are as of yet undecided about what their future holds. A distressed Evy Tang was reportedly “gutted” about her lack of opportunities to brag about her extensive jaunts abroad with her Travel section due to be confined to writing about trips to the Job Centre. There were however some happier stories amongst all the gloom and doom. The Film and TV section will now be filing copy to the IMDB website whilst the News team have received competing offers from an admiring university press office and Russia Today.

Epigram has been of great service to Bristol students over the years

The Tab would like to take this opportunity to thank Epigram for making journalism at UoB what it is today and to welcome all applications from any unemployed student hacks.

Update: In even sadder news, Epigram have confirmed that they AREN'T closing and that this article is apparently "fake news".