The best places to lie down and cry in Bristol this revision season
Sobbing in the ASS is far too cliche
Picture the scene. It's 10 o'clock in the evening, a day before first exam. Your eyes are twitching with nerves, brow a quiver with terror at the academic slaughterhouse that awaits you in Wills Memorial tomorrow. Your brain is shot to pieces whilst your 'new year, new me' diet has collapsed into an a la carte selection of Monsters Munch, Lucozade Sport and lashings of self-pity.
A tsunami of tears is about to burst- every instinct in your body yearns to flood forth like a jaded ex on NYE. The flood is inevitable- but where will it happen? The ASS is far too impractical to lie down and cry in, stuffed with hard faced librarians who've seen it all before. Never fear because The Tab can, for the first time, bring you the (un)official list of the best places to lie down in and cry this revision season….
Brandon Hill Park
Such a great place to lie down and cry that it even spawned its own Facebook event. The lush green grass will lighten your day/remind you of the green dolla it costs to send your lazy ass to Bristol whilst the hills offer you the delightful chance to rolly polly your way down the hill, weeping all the way in a literal manifestation of your unit grades going downhill.
Vic Room fountains
Legend says that every drop of water spat out by the fountains represents one tear shed by a distraught Bristol student. Every exam season students flock here to gaze mournfully into the cold depths of the fountain and wonder if jumping into 3ft of water will shock them into doing some studying. Alternatively you can look hopefully up at the statue of Edward VIII and pray, like him, hereditary privilege will guarantee your future wealth, success and wellbeing.
Whether it's the unemployed dad who's suffering a mid life crisis or the jaegerbombed medic fresher unable to find her friends, there will always be a steady flow of tears emanating out of Bristol's worst nightclub. Like the support group in Fight Club you can all hug together and sob your hearts out or dance the night away in a Grey Goose soaked haze, before stumbling off to do your exam drunk on life and the thought that it only goes downhill from here.
To be fair, if I lived at Dulldham I'd cry too. No prospects of fun, no sense of hope- where better place to have an existential crisis this exam season? The bar's so empty that not even the bar staff go there, ensuring there'll always be a place to lie down and cry in.
Priory Road Complex
Feeling lost, dazed and confused? Sounds like you've got Priory Road Complex! This street long, byzantine structure will give you that revision feeling ALL YEAR ROUND by depriving you of your senses and the will to live. There are so many rooms that there's ALWAYS somewhere to lie down and cry here but watch out- you might run into another (very lost) student doing the exact same thing woo #WeAreBristol
The University Indoor Sports Centre
Why not go to the uni gym? Start crying on the floor there and people will think you've just finished a solid half hour set. Winning.