A list of quotes genuinely overheard in Bristol

‘Anything you can do, she can do ketter’

Going to Bristol, you hear a lot of incredible things. Whether it's the guy pinging off his nut in the Motion smoking area at 3am or the gobby fresher who won't STFU on the bus into town, pearls of wisdom are ten a penny in the city famed for its High Renaissance Men and gap yah girls.

Having (somehow) survived three madcap years here I've heard a fair few gems along the way. Some of them were overheard on the Lounge dancefloor as rugby sharks circled their prey, others in the ASS Library as the speaker lost all hope of ever finishing their all night essay.

A few of them were gleaned from other writers on The Tab team whilst one or two of them sprung from dear friends of the author himself. All however are genuine and were said by someone in Bristol- no matter how drunk/high/moronic they were at the time…

Drugs

"Need something to calm me down from all this uni stress – like a shot of heroin"

"Anything you can do, she can do ketter"

"Charlotte and I are gonna have an M&S night where we drink wine and watch Made In Chelsea… and finish it off with a line of coke"

"Anyone going K-dock tonight?"

"Been poppin’ pills like M&Ms"

Romance

"You’re not like normal girls- you’re better than that"

"I slayed so hard last night, was like the Killing Fields or some shit"

"Mate honestly this term has been drier than the Sahara"

"He keeps trying to get to know me and talk about his feelings"

"God, she was a mess. Like Hiroshima in human form"

Clubs

"Of all the clubs Bradley Stokes had to go to- why did it HAVE to be Bargs?"

"I got kicked out of there…you could say I was defying Gravity!"

"I went to this really shit club last night, honestly worst I've ever been to. Have you heard of it? It's called Lizard Lounge, like a Year 6 Disco, yeah, honestly it's just a massive corridor"

Life

"Our formal was so BTEC, they only served avocado and prawns"

"We are all Tories here right?"

"This coursework keeps getting in the way of my degree."

"Taka Taka is my cracka cracka"

"I just bloody love humus"

Bonus round: Wills

Drunk girl on phone in Wills: "Hey, I'm so lost, I honestly have no idea where I am, think I'm in Cambridge or some shit? There's a quad… Yeah, yeah as soon as we've had sex I want you to call me a cab straight away"

Hall group chat: "Does anyone want to go smoke a J on the croquet lawn?"

On UH: "God we really ought to go sing Live Aid outside there, 'Do they know it's Christmas time', collect money for them haha"

"Mate, Wills is like Stowe on acid"

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University of Bristol