10 better uses for a copy of Epigram

Ah Epigram, the lonely, wind battered warrior of print journalism trudging through the storm of disappointment down low in the valley of ill-repute.

It’s not a good time to be a real life tangible newspaper. Ever since we all became obsessed with our phones and social media, the printed student rag has become an oft ignored symbol of the past.

As a result, those piles of Epigram copies in the library and every fresher hall for people to take remain sadly untouched.

We at The Tab Bristol hate to see waste of any kind and thus have constructed this helpful guide so that you too can take a copy of Epigram and use it to its fullest potential.

Here we go:

Rolling a joint

Mmmm there’s nothing like some prime quality kush rolled with a fresher’s venerable opinion on the current conflict in the middle east.

Get one of their editor’s pieces for some extra zing.

Putting it on your bed in case people have sex on it at a house party

Worried that your humble abode will get stained with romantic juices when hosting a house party? Worry no longer!

Besides, what better way is there to punish those sneaky love freaks ruining your room than having them pump away while glancing at “A day out with the Vice-Chancellor” or “The best falafel in Bristol”.

Cutting it up and writing an avant-garde poem

Cut up random sentences and words and stick them together to wow your grandma with a modern poetry christmas gift!

Making a fire

As any bona fide  Nazi historian will tell you, burning books is bad. “It’s freezing in my house though?” I hear you say.

Good thing Epigram is in fact not a book but still just as flammable.

A wrapper for your kebab

Warning: Danger of poison

To stuff your bra

Feeling like doing something good for the day? Crumple that epigram page and stuff it in your bra.

It’s the closest the authors are ever going to get to a pair of tits.

Toilet paper

The Tab has been described by some as the kind of writing you can enjoy while taking a shit.

Now with a handy copy of Epigram by your side, you can enjoy the Tab’s mirthful content on the shitter while not worrying when the Andrex will run out.

Spying on people

Imagine, your best mate is going on a date with the local ‘bad boy’, you are concerned, the stress is eating away at your very existence, what do you do?

Well the hefty editing team of Epigram have come to the rescue once again! Cut two holes in the paper and you can blend into your environment to see how bae is getting on.

The paper is the perfect camo; after seeing the front page, heads won’t turn, it will never get viewed.

Crafting origami phalluses

Allow your copy of epigram to reach its final form.

Recyclable material

If you’re struggling to find a practical use for Epigram why not recycle it? Mother Earth needs all the help she can get and who knows – maybe the paper will come back in the form of something useful!

GOOD LUCK!