How to hide your posh background

There will no doubt be moments when all us toffs wish to look a bit less posh than we are. Sometimes in order to reinvent ourselves as garage-loving yappy roadmen, sometimes simply to ensure that the conversation between you and that guy in your first seminar doesn’t abruptly end with him turning 180 degrees from you when you mindlessly reveal that you are indeed privately educated.

Here’s how to do it:

Lie about your hometown

Whenever asked where you’re from, name a slightly less affluent town near enough to your home.

For example, for Windsor, see Slough, for Cheltenham, see Gloucester, for Beaconsfield see Watford, and so forth. Suffices to say, revealing your home-counties heritage would be a first-minute own-goal.

Don’t mention your gap year. (But if you do, pretend your parents didn’t pay for it)

Gap years in themselves absolutely scream middle-class.

If you must mention how your work in Uganda saved all those orphans from malaria then at least act like it wasn’t all funded by Mummy and Daddy. Make up some shit about how the agency paid for you to do it or say you travelled to Africa by car.

Don’t ask ‘So what school did you go to?’

You might as well shout “I went to a public school.”

We all know this is only a question asked by those of us who went to public schools when we’re already at the stage of second guessing whether it was Radley or Teddies.

Don’t overdo the edginess

Classic mistake. There’s no greater giveaway than turning up to a house night looking like a model for Asos Marketplace. You may have all the right gear, but if you have too much of it, then suspicions will arise…

Don’t shop at Waitrose

Also, don’t buy the Tatler

You’re openly asking for your posh background to be exposed if you succumb to shopping at Waitrose. Yes, it may be the only supermarket you have ever been to besides M&S but do the decent thing and follow suit by getting your ready-meals from Sainsbury’s.

Leave the Barbour at home 

We all know a Barbour says “On every third weekend I go shooting with my family.”

Bristol is not the place for this wonderful clothing item, but think about it, its only every third weekend so basically you can afford to leave it at home anyway, and pretend you don’t even own one (we all do though).

Signet rings

You’ve had a shocker if you haven’t left this beautiful heirloom at home. You’re basically asking for the snide comments about your house in Megève.

Don’t be political

Let them say whatever they like about Boris. Yes, you may be dying to stick up for him inside, but don’t say anything. They didn’t know him at Oxford like your father did, play it cool.

You can bitch about your lefty friends later when you see mummy for lunch at the Ivy on Wednesday. And do remember to unlike Nigel Farage’s Facebook page.