The best places to dump someone in Bristol

It’s not me, it’s you

University is a place of many things: frivolity, intoxication, and occasionally education. However, university is to romance what the SU is to making a difference. Most relationships dwindle into non-existence at university, so instead of continuing to exchange saliva with that one night stand from freshers week, exchange your goodbyes in a special location.

Cabot tower

break up 1

Gorgeously phallic

Cabot Tower is a haven for people wanting to get a good view of Bristol. No matter how besotted your lover is with you, even the beauty of an Emma Watson/Jennifer Lawrence/Tom Hardy hybrid would pale in significance to the view from Cabot Tower.

If you’d like to give your partner a chance to realise they’ve not really lost a great deal, end things with them in this scenic spot. Alternatively, if you have a penchant for drama, combine the picturesque surroundings with a good dose of emotional piano music from Spotify mobile while doing the deed. If you haven’t got Premium and the whole break-up is interrupted by the occasional ad then that’s even better. Nobody will take long to get over the loss of a musical cheapskate.

Christmas Steps

break up 2

The name of this narrow trip-inducing pathway conjures up images of whimsy and mirth, a tranquil step into the past amid the bustle of the city centre. Don’t be fooled.

Unlike during a relationship, where being breathless may seem desirable, you will instead be coated in sweat, bad-tempered, and choking out breaths like an extra in a dodgy seventies porno by the time you get to the top. End things here, life’s not going to feel much worse than this.

Park Street

break up 5

If you ever want to feel cynical about the modern world, take a walk up Park Street. You’ll spend the remainder of your day lamenting the onslaught of trendy boutiques, pitifully slow walkers, and whichever bastard invented hills.

Want to convince your partner we live in a world where romance can never flourish? Walk them up Park Street. By the time you get to the top, there may be a fight to finish it first.

Lizard Lounge

break up 6

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone, or so the old saying goes. However, Bristol students have re-imagined this concept, and created a new way to get over someone: by screaming “Teenage Dirtbag” and getting drenched in sticky blue substances. Break up with someone in Lounge, and get on the rebound as quickly as you can. Just remember to keep it classy.

The Number 16 Bus

break up 7

Repeat the awkwardness of your secondary school years by breaking up with your uni boyfriend/girlfriend on the Number 16.

With the new strict rules at the Stoke Bishop Transport Hub, you could plant a suspicious-looking water bottle on them during the night, and have them kicked off by a disgruntled, overly-self important driver immediately after you end things. If it’s a late bus on a Friday, chances are you’ll not be sat together anyway.

Wills Memorial Building

break up 9

The Wills Memorial Building sets the ideal tone for a break-up. The stairs will make your partner weary, while the depressed faces of passing lawyers capture the perfect mood of melancholy.

On your way into the silent section of the library, quickly utter the words “It’s over between us”, before darting into the hushed area. There’ll be no fight – unless your partner wishes to face the wrath of the librarians.

The Downs

break up 11

The Downs by day are abundant with sports, but by night, the fields become a venue for a different kind of exercise. Take your not-so-special someone to the Downs after dark, and begin the romantic walk alongside rows of cars heaving with sweaty passion. Once your partner begins to notice the amount of doggers, turn to them with a stony face, and ask them if they want to join one of the cars. They’ll be running away in no time.