You too could transform your pleasant student property into a hovel
Neat freaks are losers, it’s time to make your place mess-merising
Sometimes, student houses are just too nice. When we arrived at our property, we knew it would be a challenge to make it as filthy as possible with eight extremely tidy undergrads living there.
However, our determination has paid off, and we now live in a state of putridity only surpassed by Lounge toilets on a Wednesday morning.
If you, like many of us, feel tired of the constraints of living in a state of constant cleanliness, follow this easy guide and you too can be at one with the filth.
Be inventive with your storage space
Here in Bristol, we’re known for being a bit vibesy. Why let this rejection of conformity stop at your love of deep house music? Shelves and fridges are cages for your creativity.
Be rid of them, and instead invest in a toastie machine and use it to store your various packaged food products. We like to think our broccoli and penne à la toastie machine doubles up as an interesting conversation piece: useful AND quirky.
Use plastic bags as an eye-catching installation piece
Don’t fool yourself: the hottest place for any student to be spotted at is Sainsbury’s. Display your supermarket pride by hoarding as many plastic bags as possible, before littering them across the floor.
The juxtaposition between the vivid hues of the bags and the typical beige student carpeting will brighten even the rainiest Bristol day (and let’s face it, it’s always bloody raining).
For a fresh fragrance, keep old oil in pans
Out of all the odours that make a grim house just that bit more grim, the scent of “Fat Pan” is a clear contender for the greatest stench of all. Although some of the girls in our house disapprove of FP, the boys have ensured it has remained a permanent fixture on top of our stove.
Like many science students, Fat Pan smells suspiciously stale, doesn’t move for days, and leaves fluid all over the place. Need any more convincing? I thought not.
Washing-up is the perfect rodent obstacle course
Do you know what isn’t fun? Washing up. Prove that you’re not boring by leaving your washing up for days, creating an impressive obstacle course for any rodents in search of a rotting morsel of food to snack on.
Animal friendly, and amusing to watch. Do your housemates a favour and leave those dishes to fester.
Break your wall for an interesting modern twist
No house is complete without the ultimate conversation starter, a giant hole in your wall. Our artist was a drunken friend who attempted to climb the wall, before falling through.
For many months, we lived with this portal to a different dimension stood in our hallway. What wonders lurked in the abyss? Monsters, or maybe just shoddily constructed plaster.
The hole being “fixed” recently is only further proof that humanity is failing miserably. Try this one out yourself, you won’t be disappointed…and neither will your landlord.