Which football team is your uni?

Who are you?

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You’re super old and super Scottish, much like these hidden gems – Queens Park FC


Nobody knows where you really are, but everyone has heard of you – Ross County


You’re nowhere near as bad as everyone loves to make out, but you’re far from the best team in Birmingham – Birmingham City F.C.


Everyone would be pleased to be on Team Bath, but oddly you’re not in the Russell Group, so you sit outside the Premier League of Universities – Paris Saint Germain

Bath-ing in the limelight

Queen’s Belfast

You’re in the Russell Group, so you’re fighting in that top division.  However, you’re in a different part of the UK to the rest of the Premier League crop. – Swansea AFC


We have the largest egos due to our massive clock, but unfortunately we’ve not got the silverware to back it up. Everyone loves to hate us. Birmingham always does well in the league table but so far has not reached the pinnacle – Tottenham Hotspur

Harry Kane’s got a massive clock!


Bristol is the cradle of sesh. Filled with more drugs than an episode of Narcos, it is only right that Bristol would be a team from a country riddled with doping issues. – CSKA Moscow


You might say “I study in Oxford”, but you live in the shadow of a much bigger, better rival in the same city. Just like Torino are overshadowed by the Mighty Juventus – Torino F.C.


You’re the greatest rival of Oxford, nobody is surprised if you win the league.  You’ve got shed loads of cash, you’ve got history and you’ve got an over the top campus which makes the rest of the teams in the division look a bit rubbish. – Manchester City

Best in Europe?


Somehow you manage to stay in the Premier League of Universities, the Russell Group, but nobody is really sure how – Sunderland


You’ve got a lot of potential and are threatening to reach the apotheosis.  Everyone acknowledges your worth, but you keep missing out on the top spot – Liverpool


You’re a grand Scottish institution, with pedigree and history, but you’re not quite St Andrews. Respectable though. The second top spot in Scotland for you. – Celtic F.C.

‘Mon Edinburgh!


You’re the pride of the South West and I’ve never met anyone who hates you – Southampton


You’re in the top three north of Hadrian’s wall, but can’t match the St Andrews and Edinburgh’s of this world. You do make a fantasticly colourful addition to Scotland though – Aberdeen F.C.


You’re the city of culture, so in one respect you’ve got a lot going for you. Although nobody respectable wants to play for you? – Guangzhou Evergrande


Liverpool John Moores

We’ve heard of you, but it’s a long way down the table to reach you. You’re definitely not one of the biggest or best players in Merseyside, but some of us have heard of you. Keep fighting to represent Merseyside – Tranmere Rovers F.C.


Nobody has actually ever met anyone who goes to Kent, but you’re surprisingly higher in the table than anyone would have guessed – West Bromwich Albion


You talk the talk but you don’t walk the walk these days – A.C. Milan

The ‘Kings’ of yesteryear?


You’re in the top 1% of global universities, but why are you so far away from the rest of us? – Dynamo Kiev


You’ve got a reputation for being successful and enjoying the sesh.   You know how to put a shift in – Borussia Dortmund


You’re part of the elite group, the Russell Group, but do you really deserve to be? 38th place cough cough – Watford


You’ve got the most physical players on the field, but that doesn’t necessarily translate to success. Maybe more time in lectures and less time in the gym? – Stoke City



A mighty London player in the world of academia. If you finish the season not in the top 4 then you’ve clearly done something wrong – Arsenal


You’re an old Uni steeped in history and prestige. You’ve had real players and some real success but your performance has been poor in recent years – Ajax


You broke off from Durham when there was nothing wrong with Durham. Why would you do that?! Being independent isn’t always the way to go. You’ve got Rowan Atkinson as alumni sure, but much like the way MK Dons broke away from Wimbledon, you’ve done so at your own peril – MK Dons


You’ve got all the brand new sports facilities, but will it translate into long term success? Only time will tell – West Ham United


Consistently top of the league, year on year, and everybody hates you for it – Manchester United

Born to be King


You’re way down the table, but you’re ranked highly for student satisfaction. You might not be winning any silverware but your fans love you at least – Burton Albion


It’s cold, Ken’s fried chicken is in trouble for selling kebabs late, and you’re low in the table. Where would one think of the seaside?  The cold, kebabs and heartbreak? Where else – Blackpool F.C.

Queen Mary

Everytime someone talks about Queen Mary, it always includes controversy. Imperialist plague this, being called racist for having a copy of the Sun that.  You guys are never far from the bloodshed of battle. You love a good fight, and are truly mad fiery fellows – Milwall FC



You’re a fairly boring place from personal accounts of your campus, but at least you perform well in the league tables. At the end of the day isn’t that the most important thing? Boring, but bumbling along – Burnley FC

Royal Holloway

You’re an extremely picky university when it comes to applications and your campus is pulled straight from out of Harry Potter. Shrouded in mystery, prestige and intrigue. There can only be one real sports team for you, and it’s not even a football team. – The Slytherin Quidditch Team

Truly Magical


You just keep rising in everyone’s eyes but your MP is Nick Clegg. Clegg has gone from runner up in the World Cup of politics (Deputy PM), to being relegated to the back benches to continue his career in obscurity. Much like Victor Valdes going from Barcelona to ‘Boro ‘, which is like shopping Armani compared to Primark – Middlesborough


You’re good. In fact, you’re a very good Uni, but why is this so surprising? Keep it up Southampton, soon everyone will know your name across the world. You go Southampton! – Atletico Madrid

St Andrews

The undisputed champions of the Scottish scene. You’ve won the Scottish league table the most, you’re adored by the Royal family and you’ve got a loyal fanbase who won’t hear a bad word said against you.  – Rangers F.C.

Simply the Best


People have heard of you, but who are you? – Accrington Stanley FC


High in the rankings, but not in the Russell Group and you have to really know your stuff to know of Sussex’s excellence. A quiet high ranking that an outsider wouldn’t have a clue about – S.L. Benfica


I’ve never met a boring person who goes to Trent, but that doesn’t mean you don’t live absolutely in the shadow of Nottingham. Your love for the sesh can’t help you in the league table but it can make everyone smile when they meet someone at a house party who goes to Trent. Your home would surely be in the John Smith’s stadium – Huddersfield Town


Another inhabitant of Bristol, you have the drugs to match them but not the performance. – Lokomotiv Moscow

Fully steam a-sesh


You have one of the most dreadful student satisfaction ratings in the country, much like the satisifaction experienced by the fans of this fine club. – Portsmouth F.C.


You call yourself Warwick but last time I checked you’re in Coventry. You brand the name of one place, but your stadium is not in the locality to which your title bears much like this lot – AFC Wimbledon


Compared to all the other kids on the block, you’re new money. Founded in 1963, which is yesterday by Russell Group standards. But by god you’re fighting your way at the top – RB Leipzig

New money means business