Ranking all of Jeremy Clarkson’s A-level tweets in order of smugness

Funny that he always seems to be on a yacht during results day

The Jeremy Clarkson A-level tweet is an absolute staple of results day. Not a staple that we want, or have ever asked for, but a staple nonetheless. And would you believe he’s been doing them since 2014? That’s right. You can almost track the progression of his wealth and exhibitionism year on year. He starts with cars, then yachts, and now he’s building his own house with “far-reaching views” in the Cotswolds. Not exactly the thing I’d be yearning to hear after getting three Ds in my A-levels, think I’d rather a place at uni than a house in the Cotswolds, but thanks, Jeremy. Good to know.

As much as we’re aware of the pattern of these – for want of a better word – iconic tweets which come about every year, we often forget exactly what Jeremy Clarkson tweeted year on year. Was he on a yacht in the Med in 2014? Oh, or was it 2016? No, wasn’t 2016 the year of the villa in St Tropez? Curse this brain! But once you remember the tweets and lay them out clear as day, in all their boasty dick-measuring splendour, there’s one question to be answered: Which is the smuggest? Well, don’t worry about your results kids because I got ACC and now I’m sat here writing about which Jeremy Clarkson tweet is the smuggest. Here we go.

Least smug: 2014 – Owning a Mercedes Benz

We open in 2014, where Jeremy Clarkson has just had the brilliant idea of boasting about his bad A-level results on Twitter dot com while comparing it to his current wealth. Some say that the American comedian Harris Wittels coined the term humblebrag, I say that Jeremy Clarkson lived and breathed it. Except they’re not usually very humble. But this one is the most humble and least smug of all. Perhaps Jeremy simply wasn’t as rich back then, but to just boast about having one Mercedes Benz pales in comparison to the later Jeremy Clarkson A-level tweets. He’d never tweet this in 2020, his standards are higher now. He’d have to be sitting in a Mercedes Benz… on a yacht, or driving a Mercedes Benz… through the lost city of Atlantis. Or have just eaten a whole Mercedes Benz in one, as prepared by his own personal chef. Just owning one Mercedes Benz would never be enough (as is proved by one of his later tweets). But I understand he had to start small. Moving on.

2020 – Building his own house

Right. As much as I have directly stated that Jeremy’s tweets go up in exuberance every year, this year’s lets him down. First off, the Cotswolds ain’t sexy. It never has been. Secondly, building your own house, Jeremy? Not to stun you – but I’ve heard if you’re rich enough there are actually people you can pay to… build a house for you? Also “large house” is very understated from him. I would have expected mansion, compound, estate. Something of that ilk. Basically this whole tweet radiates Grand Designs energy and I’m not here for it. Too cottagecore for my liking. It’s low on the smugness scale and no I will not be taking questions at this time.

2015 – The villa in St Tropez

I mean it’s not crazy, is it? As far as Jeremy Clarkson A-level tweets go. I could sit in a villa in St Tropez if I wanted to. It’s 32 quid on Ryanair if I go right now, and then all I have to do is get off the plane and walk into someone’s house. Then sit down. Then I am sitting in a villa in St Tropez.

I get what he’s saying, he’s rich enough to go on holiday in St Tropez and I bet the villa is very nice and it’s very sunny and he’s got his tanned old man chest out and everything. He’s sitting there tapping away on what I can only assume is a Blackberry (he seems the type to still have a Blackberry) thinking “Haha, I pity successful 17-year-olds with your good grades, I got a C and two Us and only I know the true meaning of earning wealth! Because I failed my A-levels! And I’m still talking about it every year and I am definitely not bitter at all! Ha ha!”

Either way, villa in St Tropez is very middle of the road. Not massively impressed.

2019 – The French chateau

This is the moment in time where I’m convinced Jeremy Clarkson started deliberately booking holidays at elaborate resorts and locations specifically around the time of results day so he had something good to tweet. The picture? The timing? The fact he tweeted that he was in a villa in St Tropez in 2015 but posted no picture, and it was one of his lowest-performing A-level tweets? Reeks of planning to me. He knew he was underperforming and so he planned to go bigger and better in 2019. You can’t just say villa, you have to show villa. I see you, Jeremy.

Also, it is a pretty nice chateau so it ranks highly, but not quite a winner. Bit too wedding venue-y for my taste. I can almost hear the crunch of heels on the gravel and sound of waiters pouring Pimms amid forced laughter. There are lots of women standing around in floral dresses. And that doesn’t really make me feel better about my failed A-levels at all, to be honest.

2018 – Jeremy Clarkson’s Range Rover wonder emporium

Right, boasting about owning more than one Range Rover is pretty smug. It’s definitely a step up from the single Mercedes Benz ownership of 2014. But my issue with this tweet is… how many Range Rovers? The tweet is vague. This could easily just be two, but leaves it up to interpretation for the reader, who could assume up to… I don’t know, six(?) Range Rovers. He’s deliberately exploiting the vagueness but I have a sneaky feeling he only actually has two Range Rovers so I’m demoting this tweet. Smug, but not quite smug enough.

2017 – Truffles for breakfast

Ooookay, okay. This one’s pretty smug. It’s up there. Firstly, truffles BANG. Like they taste gooood – there’s no disputing that. Secondly, personal chefs are something I always reserved in my head for exclusively Kardashians and Presidents, so this is pretty impressive. I also am hungry right now so this might be influencing my judgment. However, it doesn’t win purely because a) the winning tweet is unbeatable and b) I want to know what the truffles were served with. No picture, no description. Did he snuffle those truffles straight out of the ground with his own nose like a pig? Is he just eating the pure truffle? Jeremy, if you’re reading this – what truffle dish was this? Was it pasta? Arancini? Risotto? Let me know okay I’m free anytime I just want to know.

2016 – Superyacht in the med

Nothing can beat this. It’s one of his early greats, to be honest. So smug, so unabashed in his boasting. Not a Yacht, but a Superyacht. Not just floating about any old sea, but specifically the Med.

I hate to say it, but I think Jeremy Clarkson may have peaked in 2016. He will never surpass this, and now he’s become a bricks and mortar, house building type. I miss the old Jeremy, the superyacht in the Med Jeremy, the set on his goals Jeremy, the Range Rovers and truffles coated in gold Jeremy. But to be honest, if Jeremy Clarkson wants to build a sustainable Grand Designs-esque house in the Cotswolds with solar panels and renewable energy while his pregnant wife lives in a caravan because they ran out of money and time six months ago, I’m okay with that. Kevin McCloud, he’s your problem now.

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