What your Spoons pitcher of choice says about you, according to the bartenders

Porn Star Martinis wear jeans and a nice top and that is a FACT

The Spoons pitcher is a longstanding British tradition, and a staple of any uni night out, whether you’re just going for a few drinks or making a stop-off on your way from pres to the club. Everyone has a go-to Spoons pitcher, but have you ever stopped to consider what the person behind the bar thinks of you when you place your order?

Each and every Spoons pitcher has a DEFINITE vibe of person who orders it, and Spoons staff are definitely thinking about it when you order your pitcher of choice. Porn Star Martinis wear jeans and a nice top, Purple Rains are the definition of Urban Outfitters, and apparently if you order a Long Island Iced Tea it means you’re having an existential crisis.

The Tab spoke to Spoons staff about what your pitcher of choice says about you, including Chester Uni student Claudia, who’s TikTok about Spoons pitchers has almost 700k views. Next time you order a pitcher, know the staff are defo judging you:

Sex On The Beach

“People who order this know what’s good. They’ve got that confident Depop girl type vibe going on and you definitely want to be their friend.” – Erin

“Bog standard. If you order this, you’ve probably just turned 18. Probably not looking to get drunk, it literally just tastes of orange juice.” – Claudia

Porn Star Martini

“You probably think that wearing clear heels is a personality trait. You also probably LOVE a bargain, because fuck paying £10 for one of these anywhere else. You probably think you’re boujee” – Claudia

“Girls in jeans and a nice top who, in their 3rd year of uni, still hate the taste of alcohol.” – Erin

“It’s ALWAYS a group of 18 year old girls pretending to be classy, but they can’t really take the taste of alcohol and just want sugar.” – Sophie

Woo Woo

“You definitely have a UTI. I feel your pain, please just go to the doctor’s, this is not going to help.” – Claudia

“The mum friend of the group, you somehow always end up half-sober in the club loos holding your mate’s hair back. Chances are you’re still going out with your secondary school sweetheart.” – Erin

Purple Rain

“You live and breathe Urban Outfitters. You probably like The 1975, probably a little bit ‘quirky’, a bit different. You probably have dirty Air Forces.” – Claudia

“You like Catfish and the Bottlemen and you spend ten minutes trying to get a beaut pic for your Insta story, annoying all your VSCO girl friends who just want to start drinking.” – Erin


“You’ve probably got a pair of McQueens on, and definitely a pair of ripped jeans. All I know is that you’re a young boy and you probably think you’re hard as nails.” – Claudia

“Lads whose masculinity is so fragile they don’t want to have a ‘girly’ cocktail so they’d rather suffer with this horrendous pitcher. Often wearing either a tracksuit or a shirt and dress shoes. Will try to pull in the club later but always end up going home alone.” – Erin


“You’re probably over the age of 30. You’ve definitely got your shit together, and I envy you. You’re also probably just out for a fun day with the girls, but you’re probably gonna get fucked up.” – Claudia

“Most likely a middle aged woman who likes to complain. We hate people people who order Pimms because we never have any cucumber, strawberries or mint at the bar.” – Sophie

Long Island Iced Tea

“If you’re ordering a Long Island Iced Tea, you are not here to play games. Vodka, gin, rum and tequila, you literally must hate your body, but I do respect you because my body can’t handle these at all. Probably won’t make it to the club.” – Claudia

“It’s strong and gross, so you’re either post-breakup or in the midst of an existential crisis.” – Sophie

“Freshers and people who just want to get smashed ASAP, but still want to look classy while doing so.” – Erin

Blue Lagoon

“You’re probably really annoying. You’re irritating, that’s all.” – Claudia

“You’re the last of your group to get to the bar and kind of panic so you order a Blue Lagoon. You’re not here to get drunk, you just want to get to the club for ABBA night and VK.” – Erin

Vodka Monster

“What is wrong with you? You’re probably called Kyle, and you probably punch walls, and if none of those apply to you, then you just like the taste of petrol. Or you’re an emo.” – Claudia

“You live for the sesh so the night before an exam you head down to Spoons with your rugby mates and have two pitchers of this stuff each.” – Erin

“It’s just lads lads lads.” – Sophie


“Definite Fiat 500 girls on a night out energy.” – Erin

“You probably just ordered this to put it on your Instagram story, because the gin’s got sparkles in it and it looks nice. But the people who order this are always really nice, so no hate.” – Claudia

“You probably have a pink fluffy phone case, a small pink handbag and a very aesthetic Insta.” – Sophie

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