If your boyfriend stays at our house three nights a week, he should pay rent

It’s 2am on a Tuesday; you’ve just submitted a terrible essay in the library before walking all the way home to your overpriced, underkept student house. In the rain. When you open your front door, you’re pleasantly greeted by the sound of your housemate being railed by their boyfriend for the third time this week. You slam the door so they know you’re back and they quiet down, but your nighttime routine is still disrupted by their bedframe thumping your wall until at least 3:30.

You can’t even sleep undisturbed. Why? Because you know the boyfriend in question is going to wake you up in the morning by stomping around, before going downstairs to make a cuppa with YOUR teabags, cook a fry up with YOUR oil and watch Netflix on YOUR account. The only thing of yours they actually refuse to use is the washing up liquid to do their stacks of dishes.

You’re absolutely sick of it, and only one thing could make up for this unplanned and, frankly, unwanted extra housemate: a contribution to the monthly rent. But there’s no convincing your friend to make their significant other pay their way, and he just stands there like a Neanderthal whenever you bring up the fact he’s a drain on your already abysmal student loan.

How else can your housemate’s freeloading boyf or girlf get on your last nerve? We’re glad you asked:

They waste all your water, electric, heating and time

Your housemate’s partner also seems to think that bills don’t exist as well as rent. They insist on abusing your washing machine privileges while showering at the same time, you swear you left the thermostat on 20 degrees but it’s suddenly on 30, and the house looks like Blackpool illuminations because they’ve left on every single light possible, including the bathroom fan for good measure – your mum would have a fit.

You wouldn’t be blamed for calculating how much energy they use up – including your own – and sending them an invoice.

Your housemate’s excuse: “If it makes you feel better we shower together sometimes.” No, it doesn’t.

Their other half’s apology: “If you think about it I’m saving the planet by borrowing your energy, ygm?”

They invite their friends round when you look like a rat

Whether they invite the rugby lads round for pres before AU when you’ve got a 9am the next day, or their course mates are coming over to practice their presentation in the living room when Love Island is on, someone who doesn’t even officially live with you inviting strangers to invade your personal space is not a vibe.

Especially when you just got out the shower and their mates try and talk to you while you’ve got nothing but a towel to cover your modesty. Being perved on is not what you signed up for in your tenancy agreement, you should start charging for entry.

Your housemate’s excuse: “All their friends live in *insert name of student area* too so it only makes sense for them to come here!”

Their other half’s apology: “I didn’t realise pres would get so loud, my mates were probs just trying to pull you aha.”

They drag your friend home from nights out to shag them

We all know it takes about an hour to really settle into a club before you start to let loose and go ham on the shots, but after just 15 minutes you open your Snapchat to find your housemate has ditched your night out before you’ve even had a chance to have a heart-to-heart in the smoking area. Why? Their partner’s dragged them home so they can get laid in peace and quiet.

Not only are they not paying their fair share of rent, they’re wasting your loan by making you pre-drink, get an Uber and pay entry just to cut the festivities short. If they’re still awake by the time you get in, it’s hard to conceal your anger when they condescendingly ask you which dirty takeaway you went to and how jealous they are.

Your housemate’s excuse: “I can’t pull anyway so what’s the point me being out?”

Their other half’s apology: “I can get you quids in to the next event if you buy your tickets through my promoter’s link.”

They’re always showering when you’re desp for a wee

It’s 8:50am and you’re about to leave for uni which starts in 10 minutes, but first you need your pre-lecture wee so you don’t end up disrupting your fellow students to get to the loo. What’s that? Your housemate’s lover is still in the shower? Even though they’ve been in there for the best part of an hour? AGAIN?

When you’re awkwardly nudging past an entire row of students to go for the wee you should’ve had at home, with all eyes of the lecture theatre on you, you can’t help but think about pissing on your housemate’s bed next time xoxo.

Your housemate’s excuse: “Why don’t you just get up earlier?”

Their other half’s apology: “Sozzles but I had to exfoliate my patchy tan. Also, I borrowed your toothpaste again, promise I’ll buy you some more!”

They sit in your fave spot on the sofa

Your designated seat in the living room is elite. It has a good angle of the TV, has the best Primark pillow you still have from first year, and is next to the plug sockets so you can keep your phone charged and live tweet Love Island to your heart’s content. But when you hear Iain Stirling’s bad puns and run down from your bedroom to see who’s get a text, you see your arch nemesis sat in YOUR spot.

Your housemate knows that’s where you sit, but that hasn’t stopped them allowing their partner to rub their arse all over your throne. They both avoid eye contact as you passive aggressively sit on the floor in protest, wondering how much money you’d get if you charged rent on that seat.

Your housemate’s excuse: “You said you’d had enough of Love Island when they announced the winter version.”

Their other half’s apology: “I suppose it’s the landlord’s fault for not providing enough seating, you guys should buy a bean bag or something.”

They steal your housemate away from you

Coming home from a hard day’s work of reading one page in the library was always made better by cooking with your pal and chatting shit until 2am. Now they’re all loved up and constantly in their room either shagging or sleeping, what the fuck are you supposed to do with your nights? So much for living the unay life when your partner in crime is ready for marriage and kids any day now. You aren’t sure what’s affecting you more: how much you miss you friend or how much you hate their significant other.

Your housemate’s excuse: “Aw don’t be jealous! I love you both equally xoxo.”

Their other half’s apology: “If you’re lonely I’ve got a mate I can set you up with, they’re not looking for anything serious though.”

You just KNOW they don’t actually like you

On the rare occasion your housemate is seen without their boyf or girlf, you make sure not to hold back on voicing all of your grievances with their behaviour. It’s obvious from the hateful side glances and the refusal to stop acting like a twat that your housemate has gone and told them every detail of what you’ve rightfully moaned about. Not only are you out of pocket and out of your mind in your own home, you’ve got to pretend to like someone you never agreed to live with when they blatantly have a problem with you.

If you’re reading this and this is exactly what you’re going through, we’re sorry to say there’s no easy way out. The only way you’ll escape your housemate’s freeloading, ungrateful, disruptive prick of a partner is by graduating. Good luck to you all.

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