If the winter Love Islanders were at university, this is what they’d be like
Nas would definitely be the house mum
It’s got to the point in winter Love Island where there’s some clear cut stereotypes evolving from the Islanders. You probably haven’t realised this, but I have. Specifically university stereotypes – the promoters, house mum, rugby boy and hot mess. They’re all in the villa right now, right before your eyes.
Like Connor – if he was at university, he’d be be knocking on your door every Friday night trying to sell you queue jump. Callum would be a useless housemate, who still after three months can’t figure out how to use the washing machine. Sophie’s made for a uni like Exeter, and Leanne, of course, wouldn’t drop below 70 per cent.
This is what the Love Islanders would probably be like if they were at university:
“Ladies how we doing tonight! 2 for 1 before 10.30 – I’ll throw in some bubbly if you play your cards right” Connor would yell at a group of girls wearing heels and dresses scurrying away in the opposite direction, hands full of flyers and wearing a big black Canada Goose jacket. A corner of the high street, at a university no more than 45 minutes away from his hometown, is possessed by Connor four nights a week as he promotes for Pryzm. He’s paying £9,000 for his Real Estate degree, but he goes to uni once a month if the lecture is past 3pm. The rest of the time he’s trying to flog tickets to Tracey Beaker or the Chuckle Brothers DJing as being a “sick” night, uploading Instagrams of him holding Grey Goose with a big sparkler coming out of it, and shagging his way round his halls block. He drops out mid-way through second year, but sticks around for five more years after all his mates have graduated, desperately clinging on to university life.
Callum would go to university with no basic life skills. His cooking abilities stretch to beans on toast. He can also cook pasta, which he’d accompany with tomato ketchup. Whenever he goes home, his mum ships him off to university with tupperwares full of lasagne. He’d live in a disgusting house with eight other boys where he doesn’t wash his bed sheets. Callum’s the type of person to think you put Fairy Liquid in the dishwasher. He’s £2,000 into his overdraft.
He’s the most classically masculine beta male you’ll ever meet, and you’d find him at drum and bass nights with the boys – all wearing matching outfits: tight ripped skinny jeans, some offensively bright t-shirt, and aggressive trainers. Lots of fist bumping.
Leanne would have the ability to go out clubbing, and make it to her 9am lecture the next day without a hint of a hangover. She is riding on a First, and rarely drops below 70 per cent. You’d find her on the VIP table looking super glammed up with her girls. She wouldn’t be seen somewhere crap like the SU – she’s in the big clubs, getting bottles bought for her table left right and centre.
Sophie’s part of the cheerleading team because she thinks the outfit is cute and it means she can flirt with the American Footballers. She also plays netball. Sophie lives in an all-girls house (there’s seven of them), and everything is Cath Kidston. Her room is very IKEA showroom – think fairy lights, a teddy bear on the bed, pictures of her friends and family on the wall positioned in a heart shape.
Her perfect night out is 2-4-1 cocktails at Turtle Bay or Be At One, followed by Popworld. The Instagram pic is always captioned “messy one with the girls”. She studies Psychology, somewhere like Royal Holloway or Exeter, and would have a long term boyfriend all through uni, who she refers to as “this one”.
Shaughna would pull an all-nighter for every essay – documenting the whole ordeal on Snapchat. She knows the library security by name, thanks to them comforting her around 4am when the Red Bull tiredness crash hits. She somehow manages to scrape a 2:1 in her Politics degree – but to be honest she really doesn’t care about grades – she’s at uni for the piss up.
Shaughna would like quite a sweaty night out. She’d be known for holding rowdy pre-drinks, where she’s first to set up Ring of Fire. She genuinely hopes she picks up a king so she can sink a dirty pint – she’s not scared, she’ll even say “it actually tastes quite nice”. The night isn’t a success if it doesn’t end in the kebab shop. The kebab man obviously knows her name and her order – doner with extra garlic sauce.
Connagh is the nice boy from your seminar who carries the whole room by answering most of the questions and engaging with the seminar lecturer. He would study something smart (and fit) like Engineering or Geography, and would take university relatively seriously. He plays rugby, and doesn’t get too binned on a night out because he’s got to do a session in the gym bright and early, before heading back to the library. He’s more of a pub than a club man.
Nas is a proud member of lots of societies, like baking, cricket, bouldering, debate, acapella and Harry Potter. He’s super popular, the type of person who knows everyone in the SU.
Back in his student house, which he shares with five mates, he takes on the role of house mum. He is the first on a Sunday morning to text the group saying “anyone keen for a roast chicken tonight? I’ll make it!”, and can be relied upon to make a banging cup of tea when the rest of the house is hungover. He makes it his mission to find the cheapest bills provider, and ensures the house never runs out of loo roll. Nas is the designated person to text the landlord with any problems, and he gets on with everyone’s mums when they come to visit.
Rebecca is that girl you’re best mates with in Freshers’ Week. Come October, you’ve hastily signed a tenancy agreement together, and then in December you regret it because really, she’s getting on your tits a bit now.
But what’s she done? Well, she’s on the hockey team, and last night she was shagging the guy upstairs who you have vocally said you fancy since moving into halls. You will never get over it. Plus, all your friends from home really fancy her.
In his uni house Mike takes on the role of flat dad. He’s constantly calling house meetings to resolve some minor conflict, like Jason not washing away his pubes from the shower or Kelly not cleaning up the dishes, when really everyone’s happy for the issue to blow over.
He’s on the uni football team, and can always be found in the same corner of the SU every Wednesday for sports night. He’s a bit of a BNOC, and would be the first to get on a grad scheme at the Big Four.
At pres, he is the one person to be trusted with the aux cable, and is the one to announce it’s time to leave. He’s not organising the Ubers, but he’s definitely not missing 10.30 queue jump.
In the name of the Father, the son, and the holy spirit, Luke eats, sportses, and fucks. He is at L O U G H B O R O U G H dude, and one does not need to acquire any other form of character than deleting beers and shagging after sports night. Degree? What degree? Don’t be a pussy, says Luke T, responsibilities can wait until the inevitable Masters at a London uni.
Siânnise is going out anywhere it’s acceptable to wear little tiny rave glasses and stays opens until 8am. Back in her uni home, she’s most likely to label her food in the fridge and keep tabs of how many packets of stir fry sauce she has in her cupboard. She’d try and sell the idea of a cleaning rota as fun, and realistically will end up doing the most of it. She’d study something a bit random, like Zoology.
You do not want Shaw Shank Redempneez at your afters, unless you’re really into her singing Disney classics at the top of her lungs until about 5am oh my God please stop.
JESS AND EVE
Jess and Eve both work in the same bar together, somewhere like Revs, selling white chocolate shots. They both study the same course (Pharmacy), and both get the exact same percentage (62 per cent). The twins cook at the same time, and same meals every week: green thai curry, salmon with broccoli, fish cakes. When they’re not studying, they’re out clubbing. They know all the club managers and promoters, and will be found behind the DJ booth most nights recording the whole thing on their Insta story, singing along to Drake.
But then, one week, Eve is taken ill and spends a week at home, leaving Jess to salvage a personality for herself. Suddenly, she’s in the grimest sticky-floored SU night, minesweeping pints of possible backwash with reckless abandon – gleefully free of the psychological shackles of her sister. It is during this time Jess consumes her very first lager beer, and vomits up her very first lager beer also. She never tells Eve about any of it.
His parents bought his second/third year house, and he doesn’t get a student loan. Mummy transfers £200 a week instead. Ollie would be the president of the ski society and chairman of the Conservative Soc. Loves white t-shirt socials.
His weekly shop comes in the form of Ocado deliveries from Waitrose or Whole Foods, and he’ll cook elaborate meals like pork belly or goose. He’ll only go out if someone’s reserved a booth (imagine being on the dance floor with all the normal people!), and loves going out on a Saturday, despite it not being a student night. He hates drum and bass.
You will friend zone Finnley after approximately 3.5 weeks of living with him, whereupon you will appoint him the flat big brother. Sure you maybe sort of wanted to shag him initially because he has big arms, but you’ve seen him vomit into a Snakebite and then drink it one too many times to find him attractive anymore. You can still have a nice cuddle and watch Supermarket Sweep together and there won’t be any sexual tension. Not that he minds, he’s been desperately trying to shag that girl from his seminar for the last several months, and you’ll be there helping him draft every text he sends to her – right down the the emojis. Plays rugby, but keeps an eye out for the fragile freshers and makes sure the big nasty bullies don’t hurt them.
Paige would be on her final warning with the halls wardens after incurring several large halls fines. If the fire alarm goes off at 4am, it’s because Paige put some chicken nuggets in the oven, then took a nap on the floor beside the oven like a big cat. She regularly Instas from A&E, where she’s got a puffy eye or broken-looking nose, thanks to her falling down the club stairs, getting smacked in the eye with a VK bottle or some other stupid shit. She bleeds Buckfast, so obviously would study at a Scottish uni, probably Aberdeen.
Luke is a sweetheart. Every other night, without fail (probably while he’s quiffing his hair up for pres) he’ll ring his mum to let her know he’s doing fine. He cooks the same three meals on a set rotation until you offer to teach him how to make a curry.
But then second year happens. Luke M realises he’s actually a bit of a spice, and the Bieber comparisons start to go to his head. He bins off his girlfriend (he had a girlfriend btw) and then proceeds to shag his way round his course, your course, and the vast majority of the girls in the year below too. Luke M manages on a diet of 2:2s in his Geography coursework before eventually deciding he wants to get a sensible haircut and do TeachFirst.