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If you’ve experienced these 59 things, you’re living in a grim house

Number one: Slug slime marks EVERYWHERE

Living in a disgusting, mould-infested house is every student’s rite of passage. You thought someone stealing your milk and not doing their dishes was bad? Wait until you move into your second year house and have slugs and mice to worry about.

If you’ve experienced any of these 59 things, congrats, you’re living in a grim house:

1. Have ever seen slime marks left by the midnight slugs on your floor and walls

Extra points if you’ve ever found the slug slime in your tupperware cupboard or across the kitchen surfaces. Yikes.

2. Have heard mice scratching through your walls at 5 o’clock in the morning

Who even needs an alarm?!

3. Have located a dead rat living underneath your floorboards

£300 a month for this!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Have ever had some form of insect infestation

Ants, bees, worms in your shower. You name it.

5. Have mould on your walls or ceilings

So much mould, that even a dehumidifier didn’t solve any of the problems.

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6. Have owned several of those cheap Ikea wardrobes with the corrugated plastic windows and they are ALL broken

The matching drawers are fucked too, obvs.

7. Have not taken out the bins in so long, the actual bin liner broke from the weight of the rubbish and then the bin juice leaked out all over your floor

Gutted if it went on a carpet.

8. Have either own a torn Ikea lantern or have no lamp shades in every room

Stunning x

9. Have ever stood up and stepped on an actual, cold slug with your bare feet

Hello darkness my old friend.

10. Have ever witnessed a slug slowly dissolve in a mountain of salt

Anyone who’s ever had a slug infestation knows that the only way to stop them coming is to put salt all around the edges of your room. But no one tells you how gross it is when those slugs die in the salt. They give off a disgusting odour and the whole layer of salt they died in turns orange while the slugs shrunk. It’s fucking gross.

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11. Have ever hard worms in your shower

Rare, but traumatic.

12. Have showered in flip flops because you don’t trust the surface of your own shower

Verruca central x

13. Have wen showering, stood in 10 centimetres of cold and murky water filled with whatever the fuck is clogging the shower drain in the first place

How can I be clean yet feel so, so dirty

14. Have a ridiculously massive pile of letters next to the door at all times

Cba reading the Economist again this month and those flyers can just stay there.

15. Have gone to use the toothbrush in the morning, but can tell someone’s already used it

Why is it wet 🙁

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16. Have ever come home at 3am, turned on the kitchen lights and the slugs were all over the floor

Hi friends! Long time no see. Guess I’ll just put you all in the bin then.

17. Have jars at the back of your fridge with mould growing inside them

That Thai green curry we had last term was delicious though x

18. Have eaten off black of navy blue plates

Always a white plate. Always. Come on.

19. Have a prized collection of McDonald’s sauces in the side door of your fridge cause you never know when they’ll come in handy

Oh I know, never!

20. Have had to throw away clothing or shoes because they’ve gone mouldy

That’s a sad moment when you open your wardrobe and your favourite pair of shoes now has a vile, white and green second skin on them. Yeah, not nice. Straight in the bin thank you.

21. Have a crumb infested cutlery holder that you know you should clean but you just never do

Yummy crumbs x

22. Start to smell of the damp, stale, old house you’re living in

Have you ever been sat in a lecture and smelt your mouldy, horrible house? Then realised it is in fact the smell coming off you and you smell like the house? Same.

23. Have got a bathmat but you might as well not have because it is soaked through 100 per cent of the time

It makes wearing socks in there a nightmare.

24. Have skipped meals or got a takeaway just so you don’t have to go in the kitchen

You know what it’s like in there, and you’re not subjecting yourself to it again. Spoons anyone?

25. Gave a George Foreman grill that never gets cleaned and constantly reeks of fat

But at least it’s healthier though amirite.

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26. Have fridge shelves which are covered in a cocktail of food juices

A lovely bit of meat juice with a touch of veg.

27. Own tea-towels which have all gone a rusty yellow colour from mopping up alcohol spillages, unclean kitchen surfaces and everything in between – but have never washed them

They get put in the washing machine but no one is prepared to use one of their precious Persil tablets on something communal – someone else can do it.

28. Have gone into the bath or shower, just to see that someone’s shaved and not washed their hairs down the drain

These long curly hairs could come from a leg right? RIght???

29. Have several mugs of tea so old they’re growing clumps of mould and basically growing plants on top

There’s a couple of avid “tea drinkers” in every house and it is a rule that they leave their mugs EVERYWHERE, not just next to or in the sink.

30. Have witnessed pubes other than your own ending up on your towel

Ooookay that is against my human rights.

31. Have walked into the bathroom, and realised the towel you use to dry your body is now the bathmat??

Waaaait, have I been wiping my body against someone’s dirty feet all this time?

32. Have bedbugs

And that is all.

33. Have had to shake every shampoo and conditioner bottles in the shower to see which one was full because no one can be bothered to chuck away the empty ones

Raspberry Alberto Balsam, 2-in-1 Head and Shoulders, big bottles of mint Original Source: The collection grows, yet no one is prepared to be the one to put them all in the recycling.

34. Have showered in a dark bathroom because the light isn’t working and no one will ever change it

Or any lights in the house. The only day they’re replaced is when your dad goes to Tesco on move out day in summer and refits them all so the landlord doesn’t change £20 a pop off the deposit.

35. Have a sad little decomposing cactus

You can barely look after yourself, let alone a cactus. How did you manage to overwater it?

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36. Have a housemate who doesn’t know how to flush the toilet after they’ve had a shit

It was fucking one of yous. Disgusting.

37. Go into the kitchen and discover your housemates panties draped over the toaster

Okay wow can you please come and get these.

38. Have toilet roll cardboard tubes strewn across the floor in the bathroom

And probably the wrapper too.

39. Have a toilet brush which maintains a grim layer of faecal matter, despite the fact that one of your housemates is apparently incapable of getting rid of their rancid skid marks


40. Pull the clump of mouldy hair out of the plug before your shower and just leave it on the floor outside the bath

You’d go and flush it, but you don’t want to get out of the shower and get cold.

41. Meet your parents outside the house when they come to visit

Let’s go to Pret instead.

42. Have ever peed in the sink because you couldn’t be fucked to go to the bathroom


43. Cook a pot of bulk food and leave it on the stove for days

I can never look at lentils the same way.

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44. Never, ever have handwash in the loo

Or you have an empty bottle of it all the time. It’s £1 at Tesco guys.

45. Have not cleaned your hobs all year

The more you cook on them, the more encrusted the stuff on them gets

46. Once had a toastie maker, but now you have a clump of dried up old cheese on some sort of electrical appliance

Is there a toastie maker under all that cheese??

47. Run low on washing up liquid, so you dilute the droplet you have less and use it for a week rather than replace it

That plate is not clean after you’ve washed it with that, I hope you know that!!!!

48. Have a housemate that wanks into the toilet

Mate come on

49. Have a housemate who really blatantly takes their s/o into the shower with them to have shower sex

Today was a hair wash day Kate! There’s nothing grim about this, but just don’t do it in a grim way.

50. Have a hoover bag which never gets emptied, because you do not know what a hoover bag is or how to replace it

During your monthly hoover you just pretend that it’s actually doing anything.

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51. Own too much Tupperware

Look it’s fine to have Tupperware, Tupperware is great, I love Tupperware, but there comes a point when there’s too much Tupperware, when there’s about 12 plastic boxes of different sizes, half of which have lost their lid, just aimlessly clogging up the cupboards and taking over the kitchen. No Sarah, you don’t need to wash up the Chinese takeaway boxes so we can “use them for lunches”, fuck off.

52. Have mouldy, soggy vegetables in the fridge which people are reluctant to throw out

Ooo nothing like a bit of bacteria to make everyone sick or get diarrhoea – lovely.

53. Haven’t been able to take a bath after someone’s been sick in it after a night out

Bleach or bath bombs won’t make this any better.

54. Have not moved your bed to hoover underneath it and there is a thick layer of dust in a perfect square underneath it

It will be there till you move out <3

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55. Have a leaky freezer which only leaked defrosted meat juices

Grim. Grim. Grim.

56. Heard your parents saying “Oh I don’t know how you live in these conditions, really I don’t” when they walk through the door

Confirmation your house is shit.

57. Silverfish


58. When your drain blocks up for the first time because you’ve been trying to scrape your entire plate into the sink

When the water starts backing up you just wait for it to go down rather than call a landlord

59. Have ever witnessed a moth infestation

Oh, a hole in my t-shirt! Not another one!!!

Related stories recommended by this writer:

Every single disaster that will happen in your second year house

Everything you learn when you are the only guy living in an all girls house

36 things you will definitely hear in an all-girls house in third year