Every single disaster that will happen in your second year house

Get ready to hate your mates

On the face of it, cohabitation is a lovely idea. During your second year, with some pretty sound people tied together by similar A-Level grades and a mutual love for drinking tinnies, that idea seems even better.

(Dream-shattering gut punch) Except, predictably, everything goes wrong. Why do you think the estate agents were so nice? They were trying to use their freshly whitened teeth to distract from the dingy house you just signed for.

Very very very quickly, in fact, everything goes to shit. It's not a reflection on you, it's just the way of the world. Suddenly estate agents will be unreachable unless rent is 15 minutes overdue, friendships will break down, and each others' innocent quirks will become intolerable personality flaws.

You’ll realise you hate at least 50 per cent of the people you live with

You and Jamie were best mates all throughout freshers – he was the first person you agreed to live with in second year. But as first year went on you realised what a total twat Jamie was, and now your stuck with him in a house for the rest of the year. You now offer advice to all freshers not to sign on to a house in October.

Housemates will argue over the following things:

The cost of the internet, the lack of space in your new kitchen, pubes being left in the shower, skid marks being left in the toilets, house party arrangements, why no one will clear away the empty shampoo bottles, putting the heating on when it’s three degrees outside, the same housemate forgetting their keys after a night out, people slamming the door at 3am, people shagging at 3am, people shagging at any time, whose turn it is to get bin bags.

The same two people who were shagging in halls will now start shagging in your home

At least in halls you couldn’t hear them shagging unless you were the room on the other side. Now you can hear them shagging when you’re watching The Chase downstairs in the living room or when you’re walking along the landing to go for a wee.

And when they inevitably break up because one of them finds an actual bf/gf all hell breaks loose

Looks like we won’t be living together in third year!!!!

You’ll get mice

Or rats if you’re really unlucky.

You’ll develop a deep-rooted hatred for landlords and letting agencies

Both as useful as a chocolate teapot, nothing will ever get fixed and the only time it does is when someone’s dad comes round and ends up changing all the lightbulbs. And that deposit? You’re never seeing it again.

You become very invested in the difference between 2G and 5G

“Who the FUCK is on the 5G????”

Decorating equates to a house plant in the corner and a string of fairy lights

Maybe a planet earth poster also, but definitely a sad looking cactus in an odd place with some shitty light so the place looks less feng shui more crack den.

One person will be super aggy about the heating

This can go one of two ways: either one person will moan when it’s genuinely not that cold and turn the heating up on the sly or by their own electric heater which skyrockets the heating bill. Or one person will treat the house like a totalitarian regime and rule the heating with an iron fist, only letting the house warm up once it’s snowing outside. “Just put a jumper on” they’ll say, as you watch your breath in the air as you whisper “fuck off” under your breath.

Mould. Mould everywhere

Sleepless nights will be spent googling “how to get rid of mould?” “can mould make you ill?” “can I sue my landlord if I get ill from mould” “what is mould??” as it silently festers up the walls.

You discover a new found respect for your parents and their cleaning abilities

How they hoover, dust, wipe the surfaces, wash all the kitchen stuff and keep the bathroom tidy 24/7 is honestly a mystery and a triumph x

Someone will try and make a lame cleaning rota

Give up pal it’s not going to happen. We're just gonna wait until we start to feel like our mums would cry if they came round, and then just walk round with some black bags and pick up a few discarded cans. Sorry, we don't make the rules.

Something major will break and it won’t get fixed until you move out

Like the upstairs shower which floods every time someone uses it, the lock on the downstairs bathroom or the second fridge in the corridor.

Whoever is in the smallest room will use any opportunity to remind everyone of it, and how they’re paying the same rent

WE GET IT. YOU HAVE THE BOX ROOM. GET OVER IT.

One person will always rinse the washing machine

Maybe they play sports, go to the gym loads or just love washing their clothes all the time now they’re not having to use Circuit Laundry every week – whatever the reason, their clothes are always dominating the clothes horse.

Taking the downstairs room

It is the room literally no one wants, not even the one guy who goes out all the time wants it. They are always too big, too cold, too noisy and the one unlucky fucker who has the room will spend the entirety of second year moaning about how shit it is.

Daily debates will occur about what to watch on TV or because someone is hogging the TV for FIFA

“20 more minutes then I’ll get off”, they say. Two hours later and they’re still yelling about their hat trick rather than letting you watch Made in Chelsea.

You will judge literally every life decision your housemates make

By March at the latest, you will have a very strong opinion on every move made in the house. You will cast judgement on your housemates for absolutely everything, including but not limited to: their questionable choice of American sitcom which seems to be on all the time, the insufferable mates they invite to your house parties, the amount of mess they leave lying about in the kitchen, and who they bring back after nights out.

Your housemates who won’t stop DJing

Image may contain: Pc, Laptop, Electronics, Computer, Person, People, Human

You thought it would be bants to live with people who reckoned themselves to be alright at DJing, and yeah it made pres slightly more exciting at the start of the year but every night till 4 in the morning hearing the same deep house shit from the room above does indescribable things to you. Especially when they use literally any conversation as an excuse to mention their Soundcloud.

That weekend when your parents visit and the house is a shit hole

Empty cans and bottles haven’t been cleared since pres the week before, the kitchen floor is sticky, there's baccy literally everywhere, you have a banging hangover from the night before and the next thing you know mum and dad are at the front door, and will spend the entirety of the time they are at the house making you feel shit for living in such a mess.

You'll spend ages arguing over the shit wifi connection and even longer bickering over getting an extender

It will be good in maybe one or two spots around the house. Don’t expect to be able to watch Netflix from bed. Those dreams never seemed so far away.

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