It’s time to vote: Which uni is the most basic?
Essentially, do you wear sports stash on campus?
Whilst it would seem most people in 2019 are still obsessed with becoming edgy and cool – buying overpriced streetwear, listening to music without any words in it – there are vast swathes of people who are, for want of a better word, basic as fuck.
Obsessive about trainers, rarely seen without a Starbucks cup in their hand, listening to Rihanna whilst they pre-drink before heading to the club and sinking VKs like they're the last VKs on Earth.
Basicness is readily observable in any individual, so it stands to reason that some unis are more basic than others. We've done our best to assess the levels of basic shit you'll find at each of the Russell Group unis.
What's more, we want YOU to vote at the end for which university should march to the front of the Starbucks queue to claim their crown as the most basic uni of all.
Their main club is called “Fab n Fresh”, all the girls own a pair of white Stan Smiths and marble phone cases are still a thing. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
To be honest, there’s nothing basic about Bristol. If they’re being basic, it’s probably for a fancy dress night, having a night pretending to be a normie.
Understandably, all Cambridge students do each term is study and making a point of not going out. Their boring lives means they have more opportunities to cry about their five impending deadlines over wholesome activities like going for expensive coffees, going for brunch, cycling round Cam, or going for a punt. I guess they’re not basic in terms of their intelligence, but they most definitely are in terms of their social life choices.
On a scale of things important to people at Cardiff, it goes: Orange VK, blue VK, cheesy chips from Family Fish Bar and the SU – basically sports night. Cardiff students will fight anyone in defence of how “lit” the Students’ Union Wednesday and Saturday nights are, more so than any club night in town, or across the entire nation. Like, can you fucking imagine enjoying your SU night that much, so much so you’d take a bullet for it? The most two-dimensional, and therefore naturally basic uni. But at least they’re enjoying themselves.
Durham is basic in the sense that Waitrose basic is basic. Very uninteresting and normie but of a reasonable quality. Open a Durham student’s wardrobe, and you’ll soon find they would have been the most basic had they been born in the 1950s.
Lives in New Town in a three bedroom flat with the girls. White IKEA furniture is in every room. Only White Company diffusers (Seychelles scent) are allowed. “Hive ‘til five!” is their favourite Insta story caption. Screaming the lyrics to Crazy In Love at the Big Cheese is the highlight of the week. They inspire to live their lives like in Clique, but without the murder.
If you go to Exeter you either look like Barbie or Ken. The sheer lack of variation in body type in the world’s least edgy uni is almost embarrassing as the overabundance of closet tories. They’ll strut around The Forum in layers of painfully preppy ensembles, but they’re just too posh to subscribe to the creed of extra regular basic energy.
If there’s one uni which has ownership over Urban Outfitters, it’s probably Glasgow. Every girl wears their hair half up with a velvet or sparkly scrunchie, or it’s all scraped back with a headband. They all have the same puffer jacket, but in different colours. Air Force 1s, denim skirts (again, in different colours) and Champion, Fila or Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirts are their signature look. The point is, they all amalgamate into one singular being, never straying away from the mainstream. As long as it’s bought from UO, they know they’re in safe hands, even if four girls in the group have the same pair of flares.
Admittedly, King’s is much more fun than any of its London counterparts, but students there also consume more Pret per capita than is reasonable for anyone in their overdraft.
Whether it’s the lairy sports lads wishing they’d gone to Nottingham, or the needlessly extra international students, King’s basic energy is woefully apparent. Also, they wear Kanken bags like it's some kind of uniform – I rest my case.
Leeds is the antithesis to everything that is basic. With more edges than a dodecahedron, you'd think Leeds was the least basic university in the country. But Leeds is a medium-to-large place, and whilst there are undoubtedly a lot of edgy people, there are also a lot of basic people, so much so we wrote an entire article about it.
If you go to Liverpool there are two guarantees – you love trainers and you love VKs. You love VKs so much you pour three into two cups. You don't get much more basic than that.
If you map out grams of ket vs joules of basic energy, you’ll find the relationship is inversely proportional. In other words, Manchester are far too edgy and spend far too much time vibing out in Warehouse Project events to ever be considered basic. They don’t give a shit – they’ll beg on their local Facebook pages for condoms and someone will oblige them.
There are a lot of fit girls at Newcastle, which opens them up to all kinds of basic behaviour. Their hair is always perfectly styled, at least a third of them own a cream or mint coloured Fiat 500 (with a personalised number plate of course) and all of their rooms are completely furnished with stuff from Urban Outfitters home. Fairy lights, kitsch jewellery bowls, a cheese plant, I could go on.
Because they’re all a bit minted, they have Tiffany necklaces or Cartier bangles, Comme de Garçons Converse and carry their MacBooks round in designer handbags. So despite their edginess, they are riding a slightly basic wave, being the “it” girls of UK unis.
All the private school kids who were “really into grime” go to Nottingham. They don’t discriminate between pints and VKs – they down them all. They could not be more #unay if they tried – everyone there is a Londoner and plummeted into their overdraft all the way back in October. They'll be at Infernos in Clapham every night after they graduate – shit’s basic.
Half of Oxford come from Guildford – a town renowned for being basic. All the blonde girls who play lacrosse can be found in Bridge smoking area every week, and if they’re not there they’re at a bop, which they think is the most fun. Colleges where you’re most likely to find them include LMH, St Hilda’s – basically all the saints apart from St Johns. They permanently talk about how “tired” they are.
Students in Belfast are madder than you. No, seriously – they’ll go out on the piss with the locals because they just love "The Beers" that much. The most basic residents are the rich kids they call “culchies”, and they make Exeter tories look like peasants. Except culchies’ preference for tractors over casual racism makes them much less sinister. Very wholesome energy.
Cast your mind back to 2006. Pluto is no longer recognised as a planet, Jessica Simpson released a single and Steve Irwin died. Not only that, but it’s the year Arctic Monkeys released their first album "Whatever People Say I Am That’s What I’m Not" and the year Sheffield stood still.
The Steel City is fundamentally built on two things: Arctic Monkeys and Strongbow Dark Fruits. This will never change, and the people of Sheffield are content singing "Mardy Bum" and telling people they look good on the dancefloor, wearing the same forest green check Topman shirt they got for their 17th birthday accompanied with a pair of black skinny jeans and pointed black shiny Chelsea boots for the rest of their lives.
If Southampton was an outfit it would be jeans a nice top. If you head to Switch on a Friday you will be greeted with a sea of basic-ness, all jazzed up on litres of squash and vodka.
As they swan about Gower Street gazing at properties they’ll one day rent after selling their soul to one of the big four, UCL students spend their time working out ways to salvage a sense of identity amidst the London rat race. WhoCL? Most of this involves pinching the worst aspects of uni sports culture and trying to parade it round London. Tl;dr – less basic than King’s.
Warwick has the stereotype of being nerdy as fuck, but if you actually visit the campus it’s nerdy as fuck and incredibly basic. They brunch.
York is one of, if not the most normie uni in the world. York students have average sex, eat predominantly beige food, and aren't good at anything in particular. The reason for this is a distinct lack of personality – meaning in order to fit in with everyone they take on a number of distinctly basic character traits and interests. However, they're so boring they're not even that good at being basic.