Find out which classic CBBC character your uni is, or just bog off!
Do you remember THAT iconic childhood moment? DO YOU?
Cynically exploiting childhood nostalgia for website content? Don't mind if we do, thank you very much.
So here it is, we've done the analysis, regressed back to our childhood states of mind and decided which classic CBBC character your British university is. Let the challenge begin.
Tracy Beaker (The Story of Tracy Beaker) – Nottingham
Tracy Beaker has a big ol’ chip on her shoulder because her mum always ditches her, nearly as big as the chip on the shoulder of every Nottingham student because they wish they went to a better uni.
Just like Tracy deludes herself sitting by the window telling herself her mum is coming to pick her up, Notts students have to keep telling themselves Nottingham Uni is great to justify the money they’re spending on the most bang average of unis.
Charging £30 for a Crisis ticket on Buy/Sell? Bog off.
Duke (The Story of Tracy Beaker) – Trent
Yeah, Duke appears to be the life and soul of the party but what does he actually offer? He’s the chef of the dumping ground (chef in the loosest possible sense of the word) but have you ever seen him dish up anything that’s not potato smiley faces and beans? It doesn't really matter though – just like Duke, your average Trent student is having too much fun being a unay legend to worry about trifling things like studying or mixing up their cooking.
Mike (The Story of Tracy Beaker) – Lincoln
I know you’re already opening another tab to check on Google whether there was a ‘Mike’ on Tracy Beaker and I don’t blame you for doing the same with the ‘University of Lincoln’.
The Wellards (The Story of Tracy Beaker) – Queen's University Belfast
You would never mess with a Belfast student, just like you wouldn’t mess with The Wellards. Whatever you do, don’t even think about nicking their Maroon 5 CD, no matter how much of a banger Sunday Morning is.
Raven (Raven) – Edinburgh
Edinburgh students are so superior, always testing you. Asking questions like, “which uni you go to?” (it’s almost definitely inferior to mighty Edi), have you heard of X band or read Y book? How many moth-eaten jumpers do you own? Just like how Raven is constantly making kids jump through literal hoops and climb trees only to hurl themselves off. Is there any point to it? No not really, Raven was quite a sadistic fuck if you really think about it, just like Edi students.
Ever notice they never actually need to take the Way of the Warrior? That's because they've got the 'way of your dad sorting you a corporate internship'.
All the little Scottish kids who were on Raven – University of the Highlands and the Islands
A loose collection of hapless weans being set unachievable tasks by sinister Scottish elders – is there any wonder they’re so low in the rankings?
Bernie (Watch My Chops) – St Andrews
Just as star human of Watch My Chops, Bernie is living a lie protecting Corneil, St Andrews students lie about how good their uni actually is to protect their reputations. You can’t just have your parents spend all that money on a private education for you to go to some bang average uni. It needs to have castles and prestige, even if you’re kidding yourself that you’re on the same level as Durham and Oxbridge.
Corneil (Watch My Chops) – Leicester
Elite, but not elitist is the motto of Leicester uni, or it could be the life ethos of a talking dog, who's got enough about him to literally be able to talk English but still has to be a dog.
Watch my chops, you're gonna get a third.
Dick and Dom (Dick n' Dom in da Bungalow) – Oxford and Cambridge
The crown princes of children’s entertainment, all other double acts pale in comparison to the unmitigated genius of these two – even Ant and Dec.
But be warned, catch them in normal life and you won’t be able to tell Dick from Dom. From Creamy Muck Muck to Bogies to the Pants Dance, when you hear about all their weird antics, you’re not sure if they’re whimsical segments on kids’ TV or hazing rituals at the country’s most elite institutions.
Sam and Mark (TMi, Copycats)– Liverpool and Liverpool John Moores
They look like every very average looking bloke you’ll find in Level, and Sam is ever so slightly thicker than Mark, so he can be John Moores.
King Stupid (Stupid) – Brookes
Sure, Brookes students might end up coming out like King Stupid after spending their lives in Fishies, and chanting about Bridge half the time, but it doesn’t matter because they’re rich.
With a castle, some weird bling, and a penchant for bossing people about, your average Brookes student combines King Stupid’s wealth with his eponymous buffoonery.
Dave Benson Phillips (Get Your Own Back) – Sussex
Dave Benson Philips (DBP) is the result of an acid trip gone wrong. He successfully managed to dissociate his mind from his body but never managed to quite bring it all back together.
Graham ("Your face, Graham" sketch from Stupid) – Bristol
Posh old Graham isn’t falling for any of those tricks any more, so it’ll have to be something more savage. When you opened your Oxbridge rejection letter? Your face Graham!
Graham’s Nan ("Your face, Graham" sketch from Stupid)– UWE
They’re not really dead, they’re just swimming about at the bottom of a k-hole.
Arthur (Arthur) – Newcastle
Having fun isn’t hard when you’ve got a library card to rack up lines.
Style-wise, Arthur is all about that jumper. So wavy, and no he won’t tell you which vintage shop he got it from, but he’ll sure as hell wear it to the Robbo every day.
Binky (Arthur) – Northumbria
Trivia round: Binky Barnes' prized possession is a Lance Armstrong t-shirt. Which is fitting for Northumbria students – sporting prodigies who also love to dabble in narcotics.
DW (Arthur) – Warwick
Does DW stand for Dora Winfried, or does it stand for Dull Warwick?
There's nothing fundamentally wrong with Warwick, but that doesn't stop them being the butt of every joke.
Barney (Prank Patrol) – Cardiff
You’re a bright young thing, predicted decent A-levels and so decided to aim high for a Russell Group Uni. You settled on Cardiff which is apparently a Russell Group Uni but obviously not a proper one. So congrats, you’ve been pranked by the prank patrol.
Nev (Bear Behaving Badly) – Swansea
Barney and Nev were best pals, they’d do everything together growing up. Buying matching pairs of pyjamas and getting into all sorts of character-building japes. So much so, they decided to go uni close by so they could see each other at the weekend. They didn’t really pay attention to league table positions, or Russell Group status, they were just happy that uni wouldn’t tear their friendship apart.
But, after their three years were up, Barney moved on to bigger and better things with his superior degree – Prank Patrol, Hider in the House – he was set. Meanwhile, Nev was cast aside like a rag doll, perennially unemployed with his ‘degree’ from Swansea.
Captain Abercromby – Bangor
“We’ll help you find a way” comes the cry of UCAS clearing, only for you to find that your treasure (a 2:2 from Wales’ most remote university) lies the other side of a mighty voyage.
Paul Chuckle (ChuckleVision) – Sheffield
Lords it over Barry/Hallam constantly and thinks a lot of himself without offering much outside of the ordinary. Loves an SU night out.
Barry Chuckle (ChuckleVision) – Hallam
Poor Barry takes abuse from Paul all day despite the fact that he’s not actually as thick as he thinks he is.
All the cliques in Best of Friends – Royal Holloway
Sweets that turned your tongue purple, challenges that usually involved forcing quite young children to eat really grim stuff, and the inevitable destruction of friendship groups. This show truly had EVERYTHING.
The level of bitchiness would gradually increase throughout the show, just as it does over three years spent in Founders, as the same friends get stuck with increasingly horrible tasks and the others swan off to go have a medium to large amount of fun at an ice rink.
This level of d r a m a is only matched by your average group chat at Royal Holloway, where the gender imbalance lends itself to massive fallings out so by the time you graduate you never want to see any of your uni house ever again.
Taj (Kerching) – LSE
It’s impossible to go to LSE and not graduate straight into a £50k salary job. Kerching.
Mona (Mona the Vampire) – King’s
Commuting to uni on the tube and spending most waking hours in the library means your average King’s student becomes about as sun-averse as a vampire.
Show us your oyster card, hey Mona.
Yvon (Yvon of the Yukon) – UAL
That rolled-up beanie nestled on top of the head is a dead giveaway you’re talking to a UAL student. And just wait until you hear about their final project: cryogenically freezing themselves in a block of ice, only to be freed by people urinating on them.
Beans (Even Stevens) – Birkbeck
Birkbeck University, ranked 116th out of 129 unis, is more of a borstal than a university, which is the perfect place to keep Beanz out of trouble.
Auntie Mabel (Come Outside) – Leeds
Clad in ridiculous clothes from a charity shop which don’t go together at all, the Leeds student is desperate to go on some weird adventure. The Otley Run, the Alps, anywhere. Who knows where the money comes from, but you’re sure you’re as far above everyone as Auntie Mabel is when she's in her plane.
Pippin (Come Outside) – Leeds Beckett
Just like Pippin the Dog, Beckett’s not that intelligent, just along for the ride, but strangely more beloved by the general populace than the star of the show.
The plane (Come Outside) – Leeds Trinity
Literally just there to get high.
Nigel Thornberry (The Wild Thornberrys) – Durham
“Oh yah I live in Castle, smaaaaashing!” Sir Nigel Archibald Thornberry dresses like every posh Durham on their Easter holiday to a small Italian village. Fun fact: Nigel Thornberry turned down a professorship at Oxford in order to lead a more “normal” life, which happens to be every Durham student’s explanation that, no, they didn’t get rejected from Oxbridge.
And that weird noise he makes? "Eaahehehahgghahgahg"? Tell me that's not just the Durham Union.
Morph (SMart) – Manchester
Every student who arrives in Manchester is malleable, ready to change at any opportunity and desperate to fit in. Popping to the loo on a big night out at Warehouse Project, they check themselves in the mirror and become convinced their body is made out of clay. Bloody disco biscuits.
Related: This clip of Morph DJing better than any Manchester student DJ ever could is genuinely joyful.
The weird kids from the Queen’s Nose – Man Met
Both make terrible decisions all the time without thinking through the consequences of their actions. Changing every food to taste like chocolate, or making people believe every single thing you’d say is never going to end well. Just like when Man Met students find themselves at the end of a four-day bender and are rubbing their last two 50p coins together after spending all of their overdraft on speed.
Basil Brush (The Basil Brush Show) – Coventry
You chose to go to Coventry? HA HA HA, BOOM BOOM!
Steve (The Basil Brush Show) – Birmingham
Every guy at Birmingham is the most normal looking bloke you’ve ever seen in your life and Steve could be every single one of them.
The Likeaballs – Loughborough
Shame that Loughborough students are so insufferably sporty they’re not likeable at all.
Lizo Mzimba (Newsround) – York
Presenting Newsround is fine, but it's an intrinsically York thing to see all the fun CBBC shows on offer and decide you want to get really into current affairs. Give them their dues though, both are a good springboard for a career, but why do York students love going to such a fundamentally boring uni? “We have the largest plastic-bottomed lake in Europe”, “The college system enhances the student experience so so much”. Give it a rest.