This is how you are as a girlfriend based on your star sign

Thank god I’m not a Scorpio

Love can be crazy and unpredictable, yeah. But thanks to the totally, completely, 100 percent scientifically accurate stars in the sky, we can have some idea of what to expect from all the women in our lives.

Here’s how all the signs are in relationships, with illustrations by Bobby Palmer:

Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)

Aquarius girls are here for one reason: to have fun, with you or without you. She wants to go everywhere and do everything so her ideal date is something like an amusement park, which is good because it gives you a chance to show off — she revels in attention and affection whether it’s coming from you or someone else.

Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)

On one hand, Pisces are so ride-or-die loyal you can always count on them for anything. On the other, they’re so ride-or-die loyal that they’re impossible to shake. Catch her texting you “Are you mad at me? :(” 27 times while you were in a meeting and then retweeting sad, emo quotes in the 10 minutes it takes you to reply.

Aries (March 22nd – April 19th)

With an Aries girlfriend, everything is a competition and she’ll be damned if she loses. Dates, sex, picking a movie, even spooning becomes a sport that she will kick your ass at or be bitter about all night. She needs grand gestures of affection to prove to both her and her 312 Snapchat friends that she is Loved with a capital L. Despite the tough shell “I’m-just-here-to-fight” exterior, all an Aries girlfriend really wants is a partner who knows how to (kindly) tell her to just shut the fuck up once in a while and enjoy the moment.

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)

If you asked a Taurus girl to do something basic and romantic like get an ice cream or look at the stars, she’d probably spontaneously combust at the squeeee!-ness of it all. She really just wants to chill with you and wants someone who’s dependable and loyal over everything. She’ll never let the people she loves go, which probably explains why she keeps texting her exes….

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)

Gemini women aren’t the snaky devils everyone thinks they are. Until they are. She says wants someone she can argue and spar with, but gets mad if you try to give it back to her. Total meme queens, they’ll send entertaining texts all day and then just completely fall off the face of the planet for a week at a time. Sometimes mysterious, sometimes aggravating. The only time you should ever believe a guy who says “Yeah, my ex was so crazy” is when he’s talking about a Gemini.

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)

Do yourself a favor and never look at a Cancer girl’s Spotify playlists because you will be tempted to call a hotline. But don’t worry, that’s just how she is. Cancers are emo. They love with their whole heart (usually after the second or third date) and fight with it too. Cancer girls will call you drunk to pick a fight and then dissolve into tears when you don’t pick up. She’s the girl who’s always taking back an ex because he’s “different this time!” and then dramatically ending things a few hours later and then starting the cycle over again. It’s a total rollercoaster.

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)

Leo girlfriends are GREAT, according to Leo girlfriends and probably no one else. Have you heard how great they think they are? This was for whom the concept of the Instagram Boyfriend was invented. Leo girlfriends play by their own rules by which I mean they expect a text back while they’re still typing but won’t text you back for eight hours because her phone is dead. How is her phone always dead?!

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)

Virgo girlfriends aren’t necessarily calculating but to them, love is a scorecard and they stay winning. She gets her partner the best and most thoughtful gifts, has to make them orgasm a hundred times, has to love them the most. But she expects the same in return and gets angry if her partner can’t meet her sky-high expectations. What do you mean you can’t remember her third favorite colour?! Do you even love her?!

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)

You’d think Libras would be the serene, balanced girls reflected in their symbol, the scales. You would be wrong. Sure, Libras are all about aesthetic and beauty but that means they’ve always got an eye out for it, too. And that’s not to say Libras are all cheaters, they just have those art hoe personalities that make them say stuff like that “Like a rose, I require more than one nutrient to live” tweet. It’s weird, but that’s why their Instas are always so good.

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)

If you’re after a Scorpio girl, good luck. She’s just too cool for you, and probably totally emotionally unavailable. But that’s the thing: Scorpios know they’re cold-hearted, but it doesn’t stop them from trying which is why your most brutal heartbreak will always be at the hands of a Scorpio girl.

Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)

Sagittarius girls are the type to wake you up in the middle of the night for a spontaneous “adventure”, but you totally love it anyway. She always wants to know what you’re thinking and why you’re thinking it and needs someone equally energetic to keep up with her non-stop talking and bid ideas. If she breaks up with you, it’s either because you really deserve it or she’s on another one of those “Eat, Pray, Love” quests to find herself.

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)

Capricorns see themselves as the best so naturally they expect the best in their partner, too. It’s her ultimate dream to be one-half of some kind of dynamic, morally ambiguous power couple like Frank and Claire from House of Cards. She’s helpful, ambitious and works out like she’s training for war. Which, in a way, I guess she kind of is?

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