Every type of guy you’ll pull on a night out at the SU

Each one as regrettable as the last

Pulling at the SU on Wednesday is more a less like taking candy from a baby – very easy but deeply regrettable. But each pull is special – you may have just been the first, or the 35th for that fuckboy in one night.

Either way, here is every type of boy you’ll pull at the SU, you cheeky minx.

That randomer off your course you only half recognise

You know you’ve seen him before but can’t quite put your finger on it. Even as you move towards him, it just isn’t clicking. He says “hi”, in a cute and soft tone, and you’re like “aww he’s cute why don’t I know him”. Then it clicks. You see him every lecture and had no idea who he is. He sits three rows down from you with those two weirdos. Fuck. Tuesday afternoons will never be the same again now.

The rower that looks like he’s been shaped by the gods of public school themselves

Was it the height and muscles that first allured you, or the siggy ring and family home in Henley-on-Thames? Either way, he’s fit, and pretty much everyone’s type. The problem is he has to leave at half eleven because he has to be on the river by six. Don’t worry mate, I did hear the first five times you told me.

The innocent rugby fresher who looks slightly broken

You only approached him at first because he seemed to have been broken by his social. What’s that on his shoes? Do I want to know? But there’s something about him, the innocent glint in his eye that makes you say fuck it. He’s so polite and so thankful, compared to his other rugby mate who are being loud arseholes.

The typical rugby lad

Last week’s fresher made you think differently of rugby lads, but fear not, he’s back. Loud, brash and obnoxious. But maybe you can change him? You can be the girl to make him settle down into the nice young man he’s meant to be. Probably not, but worth a try surely.

The football boy who probably spent more time on their hair tonight than you have in your entire life

He’s tall, good looking, slim and slick. But, why does he keep talking about how good a signing Matic would be and what even is a Matic?  You’ll kiss, then two hours later you’ll be watching his housemates play Fifa in some smelly room.

The wavy one that looks really out of place dancing to Busted

Something about his care free vibe and geometric shirt attracted you to him. He can’t dance, but that only makes him more fit. That is until he doesn’t stop endlessly talking about Corbyn being the socialist saviour we all need.

The guys doing pills even though they’re only in the SU

There is a distinctly glazed look in his eye and when you try to talk to him he just seems blank. But that classic white t-shirt and jeans combo are really working for you. Your girlfriends are getting with his mates by this point so fuck it, may as well.

Your girlfriend’s best mate

He came to pres and seemed really nice and genuine. Why isn’t your mate with him, he’s hot, funny and in close proximity. But after waking up to ten texts from your mate saying that it’s fine, he’s like a brother to her, it’s probably best to leave it…

Your housemate

This is a mistake, don’t do it. GOD DAMN IT STOP THIS YOU LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE.

The one you plan your entire life with before even talking to him

From afar he seems perfect. So perfect that you have planned your entire life together with him. Two girls, one boy, a puppy, and fairly near to the grandparents. Wait, what? His name isn’t Joseph and he isn’t an engineer? Who even are you and what have you done with my Joseph?

He misses Joseph too

The medic who lets you know he’s a medic

Did he tell you he was a medic? If not, he’s a medic. A doctor, a saviour, a med. In a few years time he’ll be a treasure trove of earning potential – go on then.

The guy who is practically a model and you’re not even sure why you’re talking to him

You’ve definitely seen him on ASOS before, and three people fainted when they looked over at him. People definitely aren’t legally allowed to be this hot. If you shag him, it’s going on your LinkedIn.


The fitty in fancy dress who’s showing off his abs (the thirst is real)

You’re never quite sure what social he’s part of but boy do you want to know. Who cares he’s in a toga, check out those sweet sweet abs. The pun you made worked, and now your necking on with a guy in a dress. It’s all very surreal.

The guy rocking the t-shirt/shirt combo

He is the true hero of the night, a silent guardian, that lets you know being with him will be safe and pleasant. He may have been dressed by his mum but don’t let that stop you. That shirt is yours for the walk home before he says good night with a hug and a handshake.

The Geek

He’s told your he knows a good torrent for Game of Thrones, and that’s all you need to hear.

The one with loads of drinks on him

He has four VKs in his hand. You know if you ask him he’ll probs buy you one. Got to make it up somehow, and your student loan isn’t gonna stretch to another £2.50.

The English lit wokeboy

He seemed so nice and genuine, he bought you a drink and said that sometimes chivalry comes before smashing traditional gender roles, quoting a poet you haven’t heard of. You’ve never felt more proud of yourself being a woman until this point, being the epitome of modern day feminism he has championed you and himself as. It was all so perfect, that is until he gets annoyed you won’t sleep with him – some things never change.

The guy who spends too much time in the gym

Why has he got a bottle of pre-workout for when you shag?

The one who you didn’t realise was a promoter and now texts you four times a week if you’re out tonight and want V.I.P

When he asked for your number instead of Facebook, that should have been your first clue. The second should have been the fact he knew everyone. The final one should have been the fact he knew the bouncers. Now he won’t leave you alone.

Deep Ragrets.

Photocredits: David Wilkinson/Emperical