The people who ruin each festival you’ll go to this year, according to the staff who work them

The goblin children of Reading are by far the worst


The festival season is almost over, and with it a special species of awful festy people will be crawling back to their caves to wait until next summer.

Don’t think the festival crowd is terrible? Just ask the people who work there. We spoke to a few bartenders, charity workers and journalists to see just who the most annoying people were on this year’s festival circuit.

V Festival

V Fest

Who were the average clientele?

The average V Fest-goer is 16 and buzzing for two things only: Bieber and balloons.

If you’re a girl you probably wear nothing but your glittery make up, which is coordinated precisely with your Hunter wellies. If you’re a guy you’re a Year 11 roadman, ready for your GCSE results to drop next week.

If your mum didn’t give you a lift in her BMW One Series, you didn’t arrive properly.

Who were the most annoying people there?

Underaged nos enthusiasts aside, the most annoying people at V Fest are the people who think that V Fest is actually a festival, when essentially all it is is an outdoor kids’ disco.

Gurning along to ‘“Will Griggs On Fire” in a tent does not a festival make.

What were people drinking and taking?

Nos and pills. Probably WKD and Caribbean Twist. Anything under a tenner that your pocket money can just about stretch to.

What was the most ridiculous thing you saw?

Genuinely, Justin Bieber.

Glastonbury

Who were the average clientele?

It’s a cliche, but Glastonbury genuinely doesn’t have an average clientele. Hippies who have been coming since it started; knackered-looking families with kids; post-GCSE kids coming for the first time.

You’ve got them all – the bucket-hat and ket brigade, the festival fashion princesses, the young hippy stone-circle and nos crew. And guess what? They’re all as annoying as each other.

Who were the most annoying people there?

The ones who were badly prepared. Middle-aged city guys who didn’t bring wellies would be horrified when they saw the mud at the entrance, and immediately scream at the staff for letting it happen.

The only people worse were the ones who’d steal your megaphone and use it to shout imaginative things about genitalia.

What were people drinking and taking?

Cider, cider, cider.  Literally everyone drinks cider. Also boxed wine, obviously. As for drugs, everything and anything. Come on, this is Glastonbury.

What was the most ridiculous thing you saw?

The sheer amount of people who tried to sneak in by just putting on a high-vis jacket and bowling through the entrance.

Reading Festival

Reading

Who were the average clientele?

You’re either 18 and desperate to go to a festival so you have something remotely exciting to say about yourself when you arrive at uni next month, or you’re a middle-aged music fiend who’s there for the midday screamo acts.

Who were the most annoying people there?

The people who didn’t know who the Red Hot Chilli Peppers were but were buzzing for DJ EZ to headline the Dance Tent on Sunday. Or the ones who think it’s cool to mud dive.

What were people drinking and taking?
Strongbow, shit lager, and pills.

What was the most ridiculous thing you saw?

A guy was being a twat trying to wrestle people in the crowd on Sunday night – then his whole leg just snapped in half.

House Festival

Who were the average clientele?

Considering a ticket was £400 and everything inside the festival was free (including a lobster buffet, massage salon and an opportunity to see Kylie Minogue), the average clientele for House Festival was your standard trust-fund princess, transported to and from Richmond by Daddy’s Addison-Lee membership.

Who were the most annoying people there?

…really?

What were people drinking and taking?

With Kylie, Tinie Tempah, Jess Glynne and John Newman headlining, the necessity for ket was largely slim. Being as wealthy as people were, however, there was a lot of coke around.

What was the most ridiculous thing you saw?

They were giving out free haircuts, so I got one.

Secret Garden Party

SGP

Who was the average clientele?

Top hat-wearing, tanned and beautiful. The men are toned and eloquent, and the girls are bronzed goddesses. They all throw back their head, laughing in unison, as Rupert cracks yet another hilarious and witty joke.

This is combined and contrasted with the bunch of 17-year-old lads who have just finished their AS levels and discovered you can make bare muns selling gear.

Who were the most annoying people there?

The Essex boys fist-pumping their little hearts out at the front of “The Drop”. Short shorts, huarache trainers, side bags (the ones that scream “I’M A DRUG DEALER”), wife beater vests and flat caps.

They wear sunglasses in the dark and always talk about 30 per cent louder than necessary.

What were people drinking and taking?

Berry cider and MDMA, or something stronger. The contented, glazed look on the faces of strangers as they walked up to you and said “I like your top” said one thing: hallucinogenics.

What was the most ridiculous thing you saw?

The slightly upsetting combination of kids and K-heads bouncing on spacehoppers at the “Wonky Stage”.

Eastern Electrics

Who were the average clientele?

If you’re a girl, you arrive in a Fiat 500. If you’re a guy ,you arrive in an Audi A1. Both are on finance, considering you’re about 19.

As the day goes on and everyone’s a bit grim and sweaty, you can gradually see the fake tan and hair gel sliding away and revealing the true nature of the hideous goblin people underneath.

Who were the most annoying people there?

The Fiat 500 crew.

What were people drinking and taking?

Balloons – especially while driving in, for some reason.

What was the most ridiculous thing you saw?

People attempting to walk to the afterparty in London from Hertfordshire. It would take six hours sober.

Creamfields

Creamfields

Who were the average clientele?

Mid-twenties Scots and Scousers who either looked like they’d never left a gym in their lives or never seen one. No midpoint.

Who were the most annoying people there?
The 18-year-old laddies who’d taken mixing gear to a new high, and decided you were the person who needed to hear exactly how much they loved EDM, and why.

What were people drinking and taking?
It was a very beery crowd. The number of times I got asked if the shop I worked at sold crates was stupid.

Then there were the pills, of course. The pill of the week were Louis Vuitton’s (in a variety of colours and shapes), all claiming not to be the kind that will kill you.

By Sunday, most people had run out of MD and Coke, so were flogging ket like it was going out of fashion.

What was the most ridiculous (genius) thing you saw?
A bloke in a Russian army hat trying to get gear in Chase and Status by holding a note up to the crowd on his phone screen asking for drugs.

Benicassim

Who were the average clientele?

Your standard Beni-goer is a uni student, keen for a bit of a festival and a bit of a holiday. If  you’re camping then you’re more into the festival than the holiday; if you’re in an apartment then you’re more into the holiday than the festival.

Who were the most annoying people there?

All the people who got really tanned while I burnt to a little English crisp.

What were people drinking and taking?
Pills, coke from the bouncer of a club in town, and ket and MD from a guy called Ketty Kev.

What was the most ridiculous thing you saw?

Someone got lost in a sewage pipe.

Contributions from Kate McMartin, Bella Eckert and  Poppy Kevelighan. Illustrations by Bobby Palmer.