A Dad who went to V fest has exposed it for how tragic it really is
His guide says you should “watch a few episodes of The Only Way is Essex to get yourself in the mood”
Nick, known on his blog as The Fat Gladiator, took his three children to V Festival this year. He didn’t have a very good time.
After spending the weekend in the VIP section, he wrote a blog post about how to simulate the festival experience at home.
Nick’s advice for bringing V Festival into your own home is as follows:
“Watch a few episodes of The Only Way is Essex to get yourself in the mood. Then go to the cash point and withdraw as much cash as allowed and throw it in a dustbin on your way back to the house.
“On arriving home, go to your garbage bins and empty the contents over your lawn.
“Invite some friends around to the house (severely overweight ones are preferable) – ask them to wear very tightly-fitted jean shorts with little else – men in vests, ladies in bikini tops, please.
“Stand in the shower fully dressed to simulate the weather conditions and ensure you will be very cold for the duration of the day, then you’re ready for the fun to begin.
“Turn your fridge off so that you have no ice in the house, fill the fridge with beer and wine and leave it to get lukewarm.
“When the drinks are warm, stand in front of the fridge with your guests for 40 minutes, before allowing yourself to have a warm beer. Repeat this every hour or so, burn a £20 if you can find any spare cash left in the house.
“Find a picture of Sia from a music magazine, place it a long way away at the bottom of the garden, so you can hardly see it and stare at it another 40 minutes. Stream some hits off her Music To Enter A Coma To album (this woman’s stage act makes Sade seem like the Rolling Stones).
“Acquire an air bed and put it in a tent at the bottom of the garden, among the rubbish and put up a sign saying VIP.
“Ask the neighbours to play loud music and host a party that night ensuring that get you get no sleep.
He finished: “Repeat over three nights, choosing a band you have never heard of each time and try to walk at least a couple of miles around the garden if possible every time you chose a different act.
After reading this, we thought we should have a chat with The Fat Gladiator to get a better insight into his experience of V Festival.
“I’m jaded after an awful weekend. We went as a family, me and my two daughters and my ten-year-old son and ‘glamped’ in the VIP section.
“My daughter queued for three hours to be at the front for Justin Bieber’s performance, but I was so far back I couldn’t even hear it. She was upset because Bieber mimed, he made no attempt to hold the mic anywhere near his mouth.
“The stand out group were the Kaiser Chiefs, Ricky was on top form. Years and Years were good too, and amazingly Little Mix went down really well. I would not say I was a massive Little Mix fan myself, but all you can ask is that they give 100 per cent, which all of those guys did. Whether you like their music is down to personal taste. Whereas Bieber didn’t even try. Rihanna came on 45 minutes late, with no apology, in the rain.
He wasn’t impressed with the exploitation that took place at the festival, especially as it’s full of so many “youngsters”.
“I will never go to V festival ever again. I would go to other festivals that were a bit less exploitive. There were loads of young people who were having the piss taken out of them really. It’s a very young crowd. They were even charging £5 to use the bathroom. You have to buy a ticket to get food, so you pay for your ticket and then stand in a queue for 45 minutes to get a hamburger, so if you leave the queue, they’ve already got your money.
“Having no ice in your drink doesn’t enhance your camping experience, queuing for 40 minutes to get a drink doesn’t enhance anything and being ripped off everywhere you go doesn’t enhance anything.
“Smaller festivals, where you can get closer to the bands, are much more intimate and much more fun. A lot of people complained about the sound quality, it was quite windy and there was a lot of music coming from a lot of different places. They get the kids favourite pop stars and then they’re sort of trapped there.”
Explaining his blog post, Nick says: “I was just having a laugh really, you just don’t want the kids to be let down, right?
“I actually nearly got into a fight with the owner of a concession stand who told my son to get off a barrel because of health and safety, when it was the first time my 10-year-old had been able to see anything all concert. Can’t his parents hold his hand?
“There’s nothing very VIP about the VIP. It’s civilised, because obviously there’s 500 of you, not 50,000 and you’ve got a bed. It just felt like you were getting ripped of everywhere.
“I think the good festivals are the ones that are truer to their roots, not being compromised by big businesses in quite the same way.
“If the kids are happy, then the parents are usually happy. But the kids weren’t even that happy. There were super big stars, a 45 minute wait for one and you couldn’t even see them.
“Sia has got a good voice but she doesn’t actually move. I wouldn’t go and see her again. Maybe that’s why she’s called ‘See ya’ because you don’t want to ‘Sia’ ever again.”
You can read more of The Fat Gladiator here.