Will everyone please give Boris Johnson a break?

An ode to his blonde bumbling buffoonery


For too long now, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (or BoJo to the rest of us) has been portrayed at best as a bumbling buffoon of a toff who stumbled into politics for a bit of a lark (I mean, the man appears not even to own a comb), or at worst a pathological compulsive liar, one who should not be trusted with a municipal garden in Henley, let alone the Foreign affairs of the UK.

Lend us a comb mate?

As the media – and apparently the entirety of the English speaking world (and let’s not forget that Japanese schoolchild who may or may not have recovered from his bulldozing) – delight in telling us, things are about to get a whole lot worse now that everyone’s favourite blonde Tory has become everyone’s least favourite bigoted foreign secretary.

But contrary to the opinions of most people my age, I believe Mr Johnson may actually have something to offer the world stage. Indeed he may become an exemplary foreign representative of Her Majesty’s Government.

To my knowledge, of the past several years he is the most linguistically talented Foreign Secretary – something I feel is surely an important skill to have when dealing with foreign dignitaries. Already, he’s been charming his counterparts at the Brussels Summit by giving an eloquent speech to his previously insulted French colleagues. In French. Of his own writing and preparation. He’s also fluent in Italian, as well as possessing exceptional conversational German and Spanish. This is not to mention his veritable Tironian grasp of Latin.

Not just a pretty face

He has a long history of journalism, as we all know – he spent time as the Brussels correspondent for the Telegraph. His awareness of the European Council’s flaws will put him in good stead for negotiating an exit from the EU to satisfy most – if not all – parties involved.

Reassuringly, his positive views on LGBT+ rights and same sex marriage show promise further down the line for some much needed international cooperation in promoting these rights. Similarly, his opinions on education gives hope to those of us, like myself, wishing to study abroad, as part of the Erasmus programme or independently.

Additionally, his Churchillian view of the much talked about “special relationship” with our American cousins should ensure a vital and speedy renegotiation of current trade agreements (provided of course he makes no more personal jibes directed at Obama or Clinton, any against Trump I’m sure can be justified).

Ah, yes. That tackle. Or should I say those tackles. We now come to the elephant in the room, albeit rather a blonde, charging, roistering elephant. I’m going to venture to say that it demonstrates rather a desirable trait for a Foreign Secretary. What it shows, apart from a lack of knowledge of the rules of touch rugby, is a willingness to buck the trend. In a word, he’s ballsy. I don’t think there’s another politician that would dare tackle a celebrated German footballer to the ground, let alone a diminutive Japanese schoolboy, in front of the massed cameras of the world media and a 15,000-strong crowd. This individuality will be crucial to Britain’s exit of the EU. One gets the feeling he would get the best deal for Britain, even if it meant knocking Jean-Claude Junker to the floor (just tripped don’t you know).

It’ll be you next Junker

Resorting to GCSE English metaphors, these “incidents” represent firstly Britain spurning the Germanic trading monopoly on the EU, and secondly a plucky John Bull character bringing the oriental dominance of the Global Financial Market crashing down.

This dogged ability to get his own way, coupled with some characteristics of the old Boris (smooth talking, big thinking, confident and witty), could create the perfect politician this country needs. He will help us to extract ourselves firmly yet beneficently from the EU, whilst ensuring continued steady relationships, economically and socially, with a Europe that will remain very much a part of our lives.

But above all, what appeals to me most about Boris is how relatable he is. Yes he’s made many mistakes, and he does have many flaws, but at the end of the day, he’s worked incredibly hard, in adverse conditions to achieve a goal that ten years ago, none of us ever thought he would. In my eyes he is an example to those of us who are not perfect, but have ambitions nonetheless. This self-determination combined with hard graft to achieve an aim is surely, regardless of political affiliation, what should be admired and respected in a politician today.

“I get knocked down, but I get back up again”

If the aforementioned sentiments fail to convince you, here is a brief list of the times Boris was utterly classic and at his banterous best:

  1. “I knew I was going to get him…There was no malice. I was going for the ball with my head, which I understand is a legitimate move in soccer.”
  2. “[Cannabis] was jolly nice”
  3. “Never in my life did I think I would be congratulated by Mick Jagger for achieving anything”
  4. “I often smoke cannabis”
  5. “I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn’t go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.”

DISCLAIMER: If Boris causes international war, or sides with Donald Trump in a devastating blonde coalition, the author accepts no liability for any damages caused.