Which new Katy Perry single is the least dreadful? A thorough, ranked investigation

You would have to be living under a rock to not know that Katy Perry is having an absolute mare with her comeback era, as she builds up to release new album 143. After a slight back on track moment at the VMAs this week, which saw Katy Perry accept the Vanguard award and perform a 10 minute medley of the hits that solidified her legacy in pop music – she has today released the third single from 143 and once again the reaction has been pretty tepid. But which of the three Katy Perry singles in 2024 is actually the worst when getting them ranked? I have broken down the songs into essential categories, as follows.

The categories coming into play when getting the Katy Perry 2024 singles ranked are as such. First of all the lyrics – am I eye rolling? Next up – despite whatever she may have penned, would I dance to said song in the club? Thirdly, did the music video slay? Rounding off with final two categories: Cringe factor, and does the track sound dated.

Each can get a score of 10 from each category. For the lyrics, cringe and dated categories – a low score reflects how bad they are. The songs will be ranked by the highest total of points. Let’s go.

3. Woman’s World

Lyrics: Truly the thing that makes Woman’s World rotten to its core is the unforgivably cringe lyrics. Never forget someone saying it sounds like a song you’d make up on the spot to sing to your pet. 0

Would I dance to this in the club?: In an ironic way, and if no one reputable was watching. 5

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Music video: This video does absolutely too much. It is so chaotic and hyper sexualised that you probably forgot that Trisha Paytas is in it. Still, I’d say these visuals are far and away the best thing about the trek. 6

Cringe factor: Impossibly and utterly mortifyingly cringe. So bad that it feels career ending. 0

Is it dated?: Horrific girl boss early 2010s lyricism haunt Woman’s World and it never recovers. The production is sometimes pleasant in a mid-career Kim Petras way but that is not saying much. 1

TOTAL: 12

2. Lifetimes

Lyrics: Whilst not as outwardly cringe as Woman’s World, Lifetimes suffers in the way the lyrics are utterly vacuous. Meaningless. Just saying any old shit. A monkey could have written this in 10 minutes. “I love you for life – lifetimes” as a chorus hook sounds like she just sang a mistake and corrected herself. Very, very bad – but admittedly not really the song anyone is tuning in to for lyrical prowess. 2

Would I dance to this in the club?: Nobody shoot me for saying this, but I would throw full arse to this in the club. I think this beat is boring and phoned in, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t get the job done. I do think Lifetimes is very danceable and I would have a pretty good time getting sweaty launching myself around the club to it. Probably the song of all the Katy Perry 2024 singles ranked here I find myself humming and toe-tapping to most often. Sorry if this offends! 10

Music video: Utterly horrific. Where is the budget? The storyline? Looks like the start of a Love Island episode. Horrific. 0

Cringe factor: I am cringing because I know Katy Perry is having a stinker time rather than the song actually making me cringe. Have to go mid with this. 5

Is it dated?: Woefully. Welcome back: 2016! 3

TOTAL: 20

1. I’m His, He’s Mine (feat. Doechii)

Lyrics: Despite the fact it’s ranked highest out of the Katy Perry singles of 2024, the latest 143 offering still flops in this category like the others. The writing from this record so far is simply horrible. Proper rotten line here with “on him like a suntan”. Just saying any old shit! Gets some points for Doechii’s flow and bars although it’s far from her best work, either. 3

Would I dance to this in the club?: Everyone and their mother has sampled Gypsy Woman in pop, and the fact Katy did it here is lazy from the off. But that’s not to say that the sampled bit would make me eyeroll enough to not dance to it. Some beats are timeless! And this will always hit. Lazy, but danceable. 8

Music video: Thank the actual gods above: A serve! We’ve been in the trenches, but this is genuinely good! Genuinely cool! Well edited, visually pleasing, Doechii is amazing and kills every shot and Katy looks great. Hallelujah. 10

Cringe factor: Katy “rapping” she’s “his queen, his freak” is very, very cringe. Doechii should have just done all that bit. But the thing that saves this track in general is Doechii – a huge talent who elevates everything she’s on. She saves Katy from lameness. 6

Is it dated?: Doechii is doing all she can, but a lazy sampling and a weary Perry confirms that despite best efforts it is, like the other two singles, dated. 5

TOTAL: 31

The album looms next week. Time will tell if we’re in for more chaos and mess or if Katy can turn it all around. A great VMAs showcase and a not-too-shit Doechii song have redeemed the situation – for now.

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