£500 of merchandise stolen from Derwent College

It could only be Derwent

Who would’ve thought it? In week 10 of last term, a selection of Derwent merchandise went ‘missing’ from the JCR kitchen and is yet to be discovered. The stash, estimated to be worth as much as £500, included t-shirts, jumpers, shorts and tracksuit bottoms.

The Heads of the college are currently rifling through CCTV footage in an attempt to find out who the culprits were and have today implored students to come forward with info.

The culprit may be dressed somewhat similarly to this

College staff are taking the appropriate action and have given the robber until Friday 20th May to come forward to discuss the matter “informally”. Any later than this date, the college team have threatened, “to resolve the issue through more formal disciplinary measures.”

This is a very upsetting time for Derwent, and a very ironic one with the college hosting ‘Cops and Robbers D’ just last month. Assistant Head of the College, Keith Kinsella said, “If a Derwenter has stolen these items then you have let your community down; please reflect on whether it was truly worth it.”

Samuel Temperton, Vice-Chair of the College told The Tab: “To deprive Derwent students of their merch is a crime committed only by the very foolish or the very brave. The perpetrator will be met with swift and terrible justice.”

Josie Philips, one of Derwent’s Merch Reps has issued an exclusive statement to The Tab:

“We don’t know who you are. We don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you we don’t have money. But what we do have are a very particular set of skills, skills we have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make us a nightmare for people like you. If you let the Merch go now, that’ll be the end of it. We will not look for you, we will not pursue you. But if you don’t, we will look for you, we will find you, and Eleanor Brown will deal with you.”

Two months after the merch raid, will the thief ever be exposed?

If you have any information on the missing merch, email [email protected]