Everyone you’ll meet in a History 9am

We’ve all been there: Sunday Revs can do awful things for a Monday 9am. You’re not feeling it, you’re probably still drunk, yet somehow you drag yourself along, despite your eyes feeling like paper-cuts. Here’s everyone else you have to put up with while the hangover wears off.

The still wasted ones

With York’s bustling nightlife ending at 3am sharp, you’ve got to wonder why people are still drunk in their 1pm’s…(Um maybe in the Willow days). At 9am, it’s a bit more understandable. These are the people who don’t know where they are, what they are doing with their lives, and are wondering how they even made it. They try to pay attention before running out of the hall and proceeding to chunder in the recycling bin outside, much to the delight of Yik Yak. One guy this year spent the night in hospital and still made it to the 9am…the big question being, why?

The procrastination experts

The masters of all things non-work related, these lot put your internet browsing to shame. You may be an amateur reader of The Tab, but the procrastination experts have YikYak and online shopping up on their phones while simultaneously researching their latest holiday plans on every blog going. Highly efficient multi-taskers who can achieve more page views in an hour-long lecture than the number of words in your latest essay, they’ll use any methods to avoid paying attention – even resorting to Hexjam.

The sleep-walkers

The notorious Minion onesie can take you to places you’ve never been, including into the lecture hall. These people are the ones who roll out, slip on the Efe’s fried chicken box by their beds, kick out the new-found friend sleeping next to them and find themselves in their lecture, still dressed for bed. They proceed to fall back to sleep, wondering why they even bothered in the first place.

The dazed and confused

Very similar to the pyjama’d layabouts and the hanging zombies, the dazed members of the audience have reason to be confused – they’ve somehow ended up in the wrong lecture. No one around them is quite sure if they belong, the lack of contact hours prevents recognition of fellow sufferers, but there’s something off about the vacant stare. These people will spend 20 minutes slightly concerned about the continued mentions of chivalric codes until they finally twig this is probably not a probability lecture. At that point they’ll awkwardly make their exit, most likely running as fast as they can.

The keenos

These jolly specimens are best known for their smug grins and general lack of mates. They’re generally accompanied by a pile of books they got up at dawn to nab from the library before anyone else even cracked open the reading list. They’ll always be there, laptop set up with a word document pre-titled and ready while you’re still outside trying to grab a coffee from the vendor. They’ll know exactly what Elton has to say about the matter in hand and will probably throw the lecturer a congratulatory high five on the way out. Probably even on first name basis, the smug swots.

Where art thous?

The no-shows of tomorrow, leaving constant empty seats across the hall…with weeks passing by, do you even go here? Clearly four contact hours a week are too much for some, but with “dissertation skills” being classified as a module, it’s no wonder the only contribution these individuals provide is simply, their absence. Simon who?

Anyway. We’re off to sleep off the 9am.