An ode to the Facebook cull

“Who’s this guy who added me on facebook? I’ve got mutuals and he’s been to Revs, must know him. Accept.”

The number of Facebook friends we have is ridiculous. There are many people on our newsfeed we don’t know, shagged them once, went to primary school together, or friend of a friend.

They’re unnecessary and need to be culled.

Bye bye

Facebook culls remove people completely from your life without having to leave your house. You can decide to no longer see pictures of their trainers every time they go to the gym.

And yet there are plenty who are against the freedom of the Facebook cull.

He deleted me on fb. My life is over

Why do we feel the need to remain friends with that girl from Year Six who we haven’t spoken to since we were 12?

If we delete her she might find out. She might get really upset. She might get her mum to call my mum and say I’m being mean.

Grow up. These people are just unwanted spam from my News Feed and need to go.

No more sodding pictures of their dog.

In some circumstances a member of “the culled” may try and wiggle their way back into your online life. Why? Because they went to stalk you to see if you’ve gained weight at uni/got an ugly boyfriend/got your tits out on the internet.

I take this as pure flattery.

People spending their time stalking my profile is a compliment, no? Perhaps a little creepy and stalkerish, but I sense the underlying tone of flattery nonetheless.

Aww we haven’t spoken in six months but you’re thinking about me <3

BE STRONG. DO NOT ACCEPT. DO NOT ACCEPT.

You deleted them because you don’t care about their lives and they spam your News Feed with pictures of them drunk at uni, tragic statuses about how much work they have to do, or pictures of their bloody dog.

RESIST.

And beware of the bitchy inbox. It’s a rare occurrence, but if anything, it reminds you why you deleted them in the first place.

RESIST

Those messages waste about 30 seconds of your day, then you can get on with your life.

Instead of procrastinating by online shopping, Netflix or gorging yourself with food, why not cull all those people you’d much rather leave behind in high school.

Never liked her anyway

And please, for the love of god, stop crying about being culled. Embrace it – you didn’t like them anyway. Move on with your life and do your own cull.

Just don’t accidentally cull your mum because you won’t hear the end of it.

It was an awkward Christmas