Belle d’Oxon: The Secret Sex Diaries, Week 3

I LOVE SEX.

In 2010, Stephen Fry claimed that women don’t actually enjoy intercourse they merely engage in it to reward men for committing. What rubbish.

dIs PlAyEr KnOwS wHaT dA lAyDeEz WaNt

To be honest I WISH I didn’t like sex. If women didn’t find such inexplicable pleasure in rolling around between the sheets I am sure we would be much happier. Here’s why.

If women didn’t like sex:

1)      We would use it far more to manipulate men’s tiny brains

If you take a 20 year old boy and put him in front of a relatively attractive 20 year old girl, his haughty sense of superiority and worldliness melts into a puddle around his crotch.

Men – no scrap that – boys are scared of women. All they understand about the fairer sex comes from their primitive hindbrain which is telling them to spread the seed, perpetuate the species and stick their penis in the nicest thing they can find with boobs.

In that sense, twenty year old boys are a lot like chimpanzees; they’re very easy to train. There’s little a boy won’t do if they think they’re going to get sex out of it.

Pictured are an average male (left) and a chimpanzee (right)

If sex wasn’t so pleasurable we would be using it a lot more to get what we want.

2)      We could just not have it and do away with bloody contraception.

Insofar as you can learn anything from misogynistic ‘comedy’ it is that women are, every now and again, a landmine of shaking, wobbly, tearful hormones waiting to explode.

Sometimes this can happen to me and this was only exacerbated by my going on the pill.

Now walking into my room is risky – you could be forgiven for thinking that I was a recovering heroin addict, or that I had just returned from a tour in Afghanistan.

Honey, put down the mini-xylophone and come to bed

Curled up in the corner of my bed, lights off, curtains shut, crying my eyes out and clutching my dishevelled little teddy, I resemble a mix between Gollum and Moaning Myrtle.

And if you did happen to walk in and place your hand softly on my head I would grab it, shake you by the arm and wail into your face ‘HELP ME I DON’T KNOW WHY I’M CRYING!’

Essentially, I’m suffering these extra hormones for a reason.

3)      We wouldn’t have to deal with inane conversation of boys

The two main topics of conversation for a male student: sex (including porn) and sports (including Fifa).

Maybe at Oxford you get the occasional zealot who also attempts to engage you in a conversation about his particular philosophical views.

This only means you have to be even more wary about who you talk to; one boy I know thought ‘good chat’ consisted in drawing a map of Europe and sketching, using arrows, the events of every major war since the 17^th century.

Phwoooar I’m getting horny already

Even if you do get conversing about something remotely interesting, it’s probably just a ploy to have sex with you.

If I wasn’t equally interested in that outcome I am sure I would spend a lot less time listening to boys rave about their ‘laddy’ credentials.

Men may think they have to put up with a great deal in order to get us to have sex with them but clearly we have to endure far more for the sake of a quick shag.

Clearly anyone who thinks women don’t like sex is stating a proposition that is far too general; what they really mean is that women don’t like having sex with them.