A definitive ranking of Fallowfield’s best drug dealer cards

If you go wandering the streets of Fallowfield in the first two weeks of term, at least if you wear moderately wavy garms, you’ll find yourself drowned in a tide of business cards and lighters, all bearing phone numbers.

This is how the local drug dealers advertise, a phenomenon rarely seen outside of London.

I have taken it upon myself to rate these contributions to the art of advertising.

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Simple Cards

Some dealers prefer simple designs, bearing the number and little else. This is probably less bait.

For our first card, we have this. A piece of roach card with a number on it. “Great!” you may think. “I can use this in my spliff, right?”

WRONG. The fact you can use this in a spliff means that, mid-sesh, someone will instinctively roll it up and smoke it, losing the number forever.

Ergo, I give it 2/10 skinny hash joints.

This simple and anonymous entry was almost certainly made at home, using an uncle’s laminator. The waterproof nature of this card helps it to survive in the challenging environment of Manchester. Aesthetically however, it’s lacking.

I give it 4/10 Gary’s.

These two are slightly more complicated. Giving a name adds a personal touch, but as a guy who has heard “sorry Bro, I fell asleep” as an excuse more than once, I doubt the 24/7 claim is true.

I give them both 5/10 bags of skunk.

Mimics

These two are basically the same concept: Style yourself as an “Alcohol Delivery” guy. The second card has the better aesthetic, while “Adam” putting his name on the card gives a personal touch.

Both get 5/10 Trippy mushrooms.

These two cards take their mimicry more seriously. One couldn’t tell, just by looking at them, that they were handed out by a man yelling: “Weed, Coke, Ket! I do pills too yeah!”

The ability to look innocuous to prying eyes is useful too. Res-life, campus security, and your prissy housemate will be none the wiser.

Both get 7/10 Phat Joints.

Freebies

These four dealers all had the sense to do what roach guy attempted, but they do it right. A lighter stays with a stoner, or smoker, for at least a few days. Generally, when lost, it finds another owner quickly.

These guys are getting their numbers out and helping the community while they’re at it.

They get 8/10 Tabs of Acid.

Sammi, Sammi, Sammi, you generous man. A free sample? Stapled to your card?

In a sea of paper and lighters, you are lighthouse amongst the rocks. Wish you’d told me the dosage though, now I don’t know how much to take.

I give it 9.5/10 Pints of Cold Beer.