How to fill the Caroline Flack shaped hole in your life now Love Island’s over
Summer’s not so hot anymore
In what could once have been a productive summer, many of us have found ourselves trapped in the sunburnt vice of Love Island. When reflecting on the biggest events of this year, it isn't my future being sacrificed into the abyss of Brexit, Trump's visit to the UK or getting rejected from Come Dine with Me.
But watching Georgia profess her loyalty, Dr Alex's fall from grace (pardon the pun) and seeing Jack and Dani rightfully win Love Island, inspiring a generation that love is more than a social construct but also prize on a reality TV show.
You will now have the burden of six free hours to spare a week, seven if you watched Love Island: Aftersun. There is now be a vacuum of time you must fill, to try and stop yourself having too many thoughts. Thoughts will inevitably end in disaster. Below are several options to keep busy during these testing times.
Save the bees
The effects of a world without bees could be catastrophic. 84 per cent of commercial crops in Europe are dependent on bees pollinating them and there exists the potential for a global food crisis if nothing is done.
There are ways we can act locally and help them. Most importantly, learn what a bee actually is. Every time a bee is mistakenly killed because someone confuses it with a malicious wasp or an ambivalent hoverfly, a bee is killed.
Other ways include, buying local raw honey, planting flowers in your garden or building a 'bee hotel'. The time to act is now, in the desolate 44 weeks before Love Island makes its Take That-like return.
Often when confronted with the enormity of space, time and freedom with nothing to numb yourself with the only appropriate response is to gently curl up and cry.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Some of the happiest days of my life have been spent crying alone in my bedroom, let a friend join you if you can't bring yourself to tears on your own. Get them to violently probe all your insecurities and anxieties, a really good friend will have you sobbing in well under a minute.
Start a family
Grab somebody sexy tell them hey, how you you feel about bringing fresh life into this dying world? There is no better distraction from your own meaningless life than having a few golden years of autonomy over another's, and, as shown on Love Island with the baby test, a child could be a way of resolving the myriad things you hate about yourself.
Although babies lack the cognitive ability to have a meaningful discussion with, they can both imbue your life with a sense of purpose and hopefully make people sympathetic to you next time you're started on you in Revs, who could push a person holding a baby as a human shield?
And as they grow older they will bring their own fun and utility. Now you will never have to play hide and seek alone again.
Become one with Nature
Have you ever stared a swan straight in the face until either one of you lost your nerve? Why not? Inspired by Jack's fascination with birds, last night I spent well over half an hour in a graveyard trying to burp in a crow's face to see what it would do. The following hours I had an inner sense of serenity akin to that I experienced in the womb. This is the real gift that nature gives us.
If you want to become one with nature but do not fancy taking the risk of leaving your house then just open all your windows and leave your lights on. See what creatures you can summon from the darkness. You may even find your spirit guide.
Go to the gym
The standards of beauty that Love Island portrays is starved of any meaningful diversity, with nearly every male contestant having an abdomen like a stainless steel cheese grater.
The female contestants also have figures like Barbie dolls, possessing stomachs flatter than the Netherlands and other regions as mountainous as the Scottish Highlands.
To remedy these feelings, going to the gym and looking at all the hard work one must go through to have a figure even resembling one of the islanders can put you at ease.
I like to go to the gym and just enjoy the guaranted air conditioning and slowly clapping the people around me; even reading The Bell Jar is so much more enjoyable when sat on a rowing machine while provocatively caressing my 'dad bod'.
Watch Love Island again
Well why not? This is the cry for help you have always been looking for. Re-watching something with such little substance upon second viewing will make it transparent to your friends that things are not okay. Plus, seasons one and two are on Netflix now so there's really nothing stopping you.