Tell us your coffee order, we’ll tell you your degree
Horoscopes? Nah, tell us your coffee order instead.
The art of reading people’s coffee order is a skill that few possess. However, as a former University coffee shop barista, I can tell you that what type of coffee you order says a lot about your personality and probably what degree you’re doing. Whilst you may overlook your average barista, we are pretty much the psychics of the modern university scene, and we judge your order… a lot.
No one would have the thought that the quantity of milk, the temperature of your coffee and how sweet you take your drink have an impact on your personality. But, I’m here to show you how these small details actually lay out your entire personality.
So here I am, using my years of intricate and useless coffee knowledge to tell you what exactly your café order says about you.
You study Geography or Psychology. You normally drink tea but you want to seem more grown-up and mature so you decide to order a coffee but then have no idea what to get so you just say the first thing on the menu. A little bit sheltered, but always mean well and everyone can depend on you to share your notes because you’re the only one who doesn’t sleep through them.
You study Creative Writing or English. You’ve recreated your personality so many times you’re low-key stressed that you don’t actually have a personality that isn’t based off a fictional character. You saw someone from your favourite movie or TV show drink a cappuccino, so that’s your go-to drink. You get really really drunk every time you go out and always blackout.
You study Economics or PPE. You take yourself way too seriously. You’re secretly hoping that everyone asks you what your drinking so you can smugly tell them it’s an Americano and have an excuse to talk about something pretentious like bean quality or roasting temperatures. You stay up until 3am every single night because the countless Americano have made you an insomniac and you have a whole bookcase full of books you don’t read but carry around everywhere so everyone will think you read.
You study History or Politics. You’re subscribed to Times Magazine and the Economist but you never read them, and you went through a phase of always wearing a suit everywhere. You’re trying to get more in touch with your artistic side in uni and bought a camera for £700, but instead of taking pictures you just smoke weed every night. If no ones looking you put 3 packets of sugar in your espresso because you secretly hate the taste.
You study Music or Art. You’re constantly ill or hungover. You take loads of vitamins and go on regular juice cleanses to try and stay healthy, but seemingly never eat vegetables or get a full nights sleep. You have definitely used coffee as a mixer before a night out, and you will probably not get out of bed before 12pm your entire time at university.
You study Medicine or Neuroscience. People are genuinely shocked at how you stay alive. No one has ever seen you sleep, or even sit down, and you’re always the last one to leave the club. You are always partying or drunk, but also get the highest marks on all of your essays and lecturers love you because you actually engage. You know every single person on your course, and everyone has something nice to say about you, but no one actually knows anything genuinely real about you.
You study Business or Management. You love telling people about your family holidays around the world and always talk about how you discovered flat whites on a surfing holiday in Australia. You don’t even like coffee, but you have literally no other interesting facts. You went to private school but never tell anyone and you try to pretend you’re working class, despite the fact your dad has already promised you a top position at his consulting firm after you graduate.
You study Maths or Physics. You try your best to fit in, but never seem to manage. You can never make up your mind about things and always second-guess yourself. You really really hate the taste of coffee but want to be included, so you get a mocha to try and mask the bitterness. You’re lactose-intolerant but pretend you aren’t.
You study a language or Linguistics. You always fly off to somewhere in Europe for the weekend and can speak 3 different languages. Everyone thinks you’re alright, but you don’t have many friends at Uni because you’re so busy hanging out with people from your hometown, or who you’ve met on your travels.
You study Law. You call your dad ‘daddy’ completely unironically and you had a horse when you were younger. You cried for a week when you first came to uni, and never make plans on the weekend so you can go home instead. You colour code everything and write all your notes in cursive, but never ever share them with anyone and refuse to tell anyone what the readings were because they should have been listening.
You study Nursing or Pharmacy. You have never not had a boyfriend and you wear a new outfit every single day, even though you aren’t from a particularly rich family. You plan every single day out to the minute but are somehow always late to everything. You’re smart but always lose marks for handing an assignment in late.
You study History of Art or Theology. You’re pretty cool but literally never speak to anyone ever, so everyone is convinced you’re a secret serial killer or something. You only ever date people 20 years older than you and still use Tumblr. You’re one of the select few who genuinely like how coffee tastes, and you always tell the baristas to keep the change.
You study Midwifery or Sociology. You are honestly one of the most annoying people in the UK. You complain about every single little thing and always ask to talk to the manager if something isn’t up to your impossible standards. You go to Starbucks 3 times a day but only ever drink 1/4 of your drink and throw away the rest of it. You have an Instagram with 2000 followers and tell everyone you want to make a career out of it, but will eventually take over your parents’ company instead of becoming an ‘influencer’.
You study Philosophy or Classics. You self-identify as a Buddhist and always talk about your horoscope or chakras. Your room is decked out with tapestries and dream catchers despite the fact you’ve travelled further than Ibiza. You make all your friends friendship bracelets and don’t own a single article of black clothing. You only eat organically and fair-trade but do coke every single weekend.