Which Classic Horror Movie Character are you?
Spoiler: it’s not looking good for most of you
As Halloween draws near, your mind goes to the inevitable question. How would you survive in a fictional world where serial killers run loose and all your lectures are optional? It's time to find out.
The Virgin – Computer Science Students
Woohoo! You are a central character, you’re naive, alone and people want you to survive mainly because you are great eye candy! You’ll make several bad decisions including going into a dark alley alone, not carrying a pair of scissors, and answering anonymous phone calls. Please, for god’s sake do NOT invite your boyfriend over for protection, if he isn’t the murderer he’ll be more useless than a wet sponge, very likely to grab a deflated basketball to defend himself or worse, use you as a human shield. You have a 62% chance of survival.
The Denier – History
What’s this? Murder? In my good Christian suburbs? You don’t believe it for a second! So what if there are teenagers dropping like flies – it’s probably because they are staring at their phones and melting their brains all day! People keep screaming and running around in the dead of night? Ah, it’s these new “PokeBoy” games. Graves are being built faster than sandcastles in your neighbourhood, but you do not want to get involved in this millennial™ drama, time to go back to your Escape to the Country re-runs and your cup of premium brand tea.
The Best Friend – Joint Honours Degrees
Your friend still isn’t home from her date with Chad. You never really liked Chad, something about his Make America Great Again cap just didn’t sit well with you. Maybe it was the fact he drove a Prius to pick her up for the homecoming dance tonight? Maybe it was the glock G19 in his sports bag? You just can’t shake this sneaking suspicion that something isn’t right – maybe check the oven isn’t still on again?
The Girl Who Works It Out – Cruciform Inhabitants
Alright Hermione Granger, top marks. After 2 vague acquaintances die in very strange circumstances, you’re more than a little unsure about the new shadowy characters around town. After a little digging with your mates, you uncover a serial killer with a lust for young blood! It’s just too bad he’s now killing all your friends and pretty much no one believes a woman anyway, no matter how right you are. If only he could murder the patriarchy too… Oh well, you have a steady 36% chance of survival, it pretty much depends on the cycle of the moon, how much breakfast you had this morning and if you remember those self defence classes you attended when you were 12.
The Love Interest – Anyone else
You have no backstory, character development or personality really. The best thing I can say about you is you have nice abs. Good work. Sadly those protein shakes and barbell curls are not going to get you the girl, she’s a bit busy trying not to die – it’s really taking up her schedule. You’ll attempt some light comic relief while running away from certain death, and despite those intense HIIT sessions, you’ll stumble right into the trap. It’s all for the best really – your crush would’ve eventually figured out you’re a sad lump of congealing off-brand cereal underneath those good looks. You never even really understood the basic plot, let alone why you died. It’s ok, there is a nice place for you in the afterlife – they play Spongebob continuously and there is karaoke!
The Jock – Loop Queue Skip Holder (Sports Team)
Tough luck, you are the stereotypical sports lad. You probably start by screaming "shots" at the bar on a night out, and you probably don't care about that guy in the corner who’s glasses you just broke. Call it karma, or the fact that horror movies are written by the "nerds" of school, you will die first – probably in some brutal but ironic way. Maybe you “accidentally” crash your very expensive Mercedes on the way to prom, or perhaps you get strangled by your new varsity jersey. Either way, your future is not looking good – best down that drink while you still can.
The Bad Guy – Film Society Member
Oi you. Now listen here, I don’t know who told you that it’s ok to murder students in a small suburban town in America – no no don’t just start listen classic horror film franchises that is NOT what I meant. You arrived in this town as a charming new comer, fitting in nicely by mowing the old folk’s lawn (accidentally mauling their cat) and helping the single mother across the street with her groceries. You will almost definitely die in the end, with a twist accident by the hand of one of the most innocent of the group – but that doesn’t mean you won’t get to slash a few throats in the meantime! Say hi to Stalin and the gang when you finish – they are keeping a toasty little corner ready for you down under.
The Secondary Bad Guy – Uses Costa over UCLU Cafe
You thought it looked cool so you jumped on the bandwagon. Unoriginal much? Could you have not picked up a nicer, less murderous hobby like bonsai pruning or knitting? After seeing Bad Guy #1, you figured you could get revenge on the jerks who’ve been picking on you all year. Clearly, not having learnt any sort of humanity, you don’t actually mean to kill them at first, but then it sort of becomes unavoidable. Who knew that slashing someone’s tires, cutting their brakes and jamming their steering wheel could do that? At least you were thorough, until you get caught and ultimately killed – then you get to spend eternity being tortured while listening to bad karaoke. Fun.