Why I Love Valentine’s Day

As another February 14^th rolls round, a lot of us are preparing to give a loved one something special, like a box of chocolates or a hand-made card that looks like the dog made it and no-one can actually read. I personally am preparing for the annual deluge of Facebook statuses saying wildly original things like ‘It was just made by greeting card companies y’know’ and ‘holla to anyone else who’s going to sit inside eating Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s with The Notebook again’ (yeah, I should probably delete them). So, mostly out of sheer stubbornness, I’m going to tell you why you should join me in loving Valentine’s day.

Everyone else hates it

Do you know what’s so rubbish about hating Valentine’s Day? It’s so boring. Anyone with an internet connection is going to spend this Thursday telling you about how their cat called Ryan Gosling is better than any boyfriend or some crap.

Loving Valentine’s day is alternative, and as long as my formative years made mostly of Avril Lavigne lyrics and Daria quotes haven’t lied to me, alternative equals cool. You don’t want to be the loser still harking on about how much Valentine’s Day sucks when you could be crashing the mall with some Sk8er Bois in order to buy out Clinton Cards’ stock of bears holding hearts with all the exuberance of a mental patient.

So, so cool.

Don’t make being single worse

The problem with most Valentine’s hate is that it revolves around wallowing. People not in relationships tend to view the day as some sort of unholy cocoa-product binge in order to somehow crush their latent thoughts of inadequacy. Well, this might not be a huge shock to some of you, but that just makes you look worse.

This year, Pancake Day falls on the same week, so you get an excuse to sit around eating sugar coated batter anyway. Use up all your self-pity then in an absolute carousel of carbs, before getting your happy on for Thursday.

Instead of having a bonanza of self-pity, why not fly the flag for all singletons out there and have a day where you just do all the things you’re not allowed to when you’re in a relationship? Forget to wash. If you’re a girl, say offensive things about football and watch ‘Girls’. If you’re a guy, say offensive things about ‘Girls’ and watch football. If you’re a footballer or a cast member of ‘Girls’ you’re probably having a pretty good day anyway, so just keep that up.

Don’t try Googling ‘Girls’. This is the least naked photo I could find.

It’s a day MADE OF CHOCOLATE

This one pretty much explains itself. Enjoy it. But don’t wallow.

What? This is facepaint.

It’s all about Love

Forget all the cards and stuff. This is a day designed to celebrate the one emotion that is quite possibly is the reason for our unequalled evolution. Even if you don’t have a ‘significant other’, why not spread the love with some friends, a relative or that Pug t-shirt you bought but have been too afraid to wear so far? Since there’s a chance we’re all just an expression of one infinite loving consciousness, buy a bunch of cards and just hand them out on the street, professing your love for passers-by. At least that way someone might give you a bit of change, or maybe even a blanket.

Much better than relationships.

It’s the best time of year to get your freak on

I think a lot of people who hate on Valentine’s day forget that essentially, it’s a full 24 hours of drunk, lonely people feeling drunk and lonely. It’s the perfect time for you, also being drunk and lonely, to make up for the other 364 days of isolation by swooping in and utterly taking advantage what is basically just a fiesta of low self-esteem.

Go into the nearest pub, whack ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ on the jukebox and wait for the crying to begin, before telling them about how it’s so weird that you’re one of the only billionaires with a six-pack.

But I never work out?!