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30 things I’ve learnt in three years at uni

Seriously though, you’ll never make that 9am

Uni is supposed to teach us how to be adults, I mean not proper grown up adults that have nice furniture, egg cups, and real pets but semi grown-ups. When you actually move away you seem to learn very quickly that not all is what it seems.

So here's the top 30 things that three years of cheap alcohol and a bucketful of debt have taught us.

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1) Cheese is fucking expensive

One of those harrowing discoveries that you only made after you moved away from home. Cheddar/halloumi/mozzarella/camembert all equally as beautiful and all equally as expensive. Surely this is what an overdraft is there for?

2) Never take H&M sizes to heart …

Anything you buy from H&M will be about two sizes bigger and will make you feel massive. Trust me, we’re all in this together.

3) Don’t shit where you eat

Nope. Not worth it. Next.

4) Lecturers that don’t record are the devil reincarnated

WHY? I will never understand this.

5) And the ones that do record you can only hear coughing

I mean, I state this as if I’m not the one at the back of the lecture basically performing a rendition of coughs. Yet highly unhelpful re-listening to everyone’s freshers flu drown out your lectures speech. Thanks guys, if I get a 2:2 I’m blaming you all.

6) Your high school boyfriend is most definitely not the one

You go to uni all full of hope with the promise that you’ll go visit them every weekend and that nothing between you will change. Trust me by Christmas you’ll have realised that it’s a lot more hassle than it’s actually worth and Joe from Economics is way more attractive.

7) Being able to cook is important (and totally useful)

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There are 3 dishes that every uni student knows how to make; pesto-pasta, beans on toast and a spag bol recipe that’s been passed on by their mum. There is only so many times you can eat those three in a never-ending cycle. Do yourself a favour and invest in a cookbook.

8) Know what sort of alcohol turns you crazy

Everyone has one, and if you say you don’t, you’re lying. There’s always that one drink that makes you go absolutely fruit loopy on a night out. Learn what it is before, and try to avoid it at all costs. No one enjoys a psycho Sally.

9) Tea and time are absolute healers

A break up? Failed a module? Tea and time pretty much makes anything that little less painful. Always be the friend who offers that. Everyone always appreciates the friend who offers that.

10) If you have car at uni, you’ll be like gold dust to your friends

Quickly everyone will learn that trying to carry a food shop home is basically the same as entering a weightlifting competition with broken arms. Basically impossible. However, if you have a car, not only are you now the most popular person in your house but you’re also doing the weekly Aldi runs. Lucky you.

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Quickly work out in the first week who can cook and who can't.

11) Your family are some of the best friends you will ever have (and you will miss them)

Going to uni means freedom? Yeah I thought so too, until you come home at Christmas and realise you miss your Mum’s home cooking and miss arguing with your siblings. However that’s not to say you won’t be highly relieved when you go back in January.

12) Telling the class a fun fact about yourself will never be fun

Who invented this? I have serious problems with you and would like a word.

13) Make up wipes are not the best thing since sliced bread

Most of them contain chemicals found in anti-freeze, they dry out your skin and give you spots. Sounds dreamy? Think again.

14) Rejection will hurt no matter what age you are

Maybe you missed out on that job, or your essay scored lower than you thought it did. It will sting, but there’s always an opportunity to try again. Cliché but its true.

15) Your standard of health will always be lower

It doesn’t matter what you do to combat the dread fresher’s flu. You can inhale a whole packet of cold and flu tablets whilst eating all the green veggies you can find in the world, but you’ll still ill. You’ll be rundown until you go home at Christmas. And there is nothing you can do to change that. Soz.

16) Required reading and recommended textbooks are the biggest lies ever told

You’ll spend a fortune on all of the textbooks, for all of the modules. Of course your lecturer who wrote the book will recommend the book dur. Will you ever use any of them? No, you will not. I can assure you. Save your pennies and buy extra drinks.

17) Not everyone will like you

Mingle and meet as many people as you can but remember that as long you have a good set of friends around you, you don’t the validation or approval of everyone.

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Yes this is my housemate, and yes I do normally like her. Just apparently not that night.

18) Wee after sex

There is no graceful way to continue with life after having sex. Gotta just roll off, run to the toilet and wee. Ain’t nobody got time for UTIs.

19) Staying in touch with people who only live a few roads away is really bloody hard

When you moved into your first uni house, it was oh so exciting that all of your friends were only a few roads away. "We’ll see each other all the time" you proclaim. Until the realisation that timetables clash, and the main time you see them is half spangled in your local club.

20) Sport socials are the best night out. Fact.

Who doesn’t love the idea of dressing up in the most ridiculous outfits you possibly could, and drinking VKs with all your teammates? Think of all the stories you have.

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21) You will be amazed by how many episodes you can watch on Netflix in a row

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236 episodes of Friends? Finished them in two weeks.

22) Your uni landlord will always rip you off and keep your deposit

Kiss goodbye to that sweet deposit you handed over before you moved into your uni house. Landlords will do anything to make money out of student. That chip in the wall that was there before? Now your fault. Take pictures of everything when you move in because they are as useful as a chocolate teapot.

23) You might think that you’ll make that 9am lecture after a night out. You would be wrong.

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It was a good idea at the time, but was never going to happen. I admire your attempt though.

24) Checking your bank balance will never make you feel good

Except loan drop day. That day is always blissful.

25) Fire alarms always ever happen at the most awkward times. Like 5am. On a Thursday. When you’re in someone else’s room and trying to keep it quiet.

No explanation necessary.

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26) A new found respect for your parents and their cleaning abilities will be discovered

How on earth do they manage to keep the house tidy, the floors hoovered, the washing done and ironed, washing up done AND go to work? I clean the living room once a week (usually after pres) and think I’m the pinnacle of cleanliness. Props to you Mum.

27) Freshers will annoy you

Suddenly you’re that little bit grumpier, old and wiser. Why are they so excited all the time? You were never like that (definitely were).

28) You might think you’re original and edgy, but you’re just not

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Before uni you might have thought you had the on trend fashion with your green puffa jacket, and FILA disruptors. Then you get to uni and see that everyone is wearing the exact same outfit, except they look a little bit better than you.

29) That crying in the library is totally acceptable and justified

Exam time comes and you’re stressed. No one will judge you for having a little cry. I mean, I’ve known a few people to be sick in the toilets after a big night out, and I think that’s worse.

30) Three years is no time at all

3 years will fly, and you’ll think back to being a fresher with that wistful feeling. Enjoy it whilst you can and get involved.

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