How to be a BNOC

You too can be a Big Name On Campus – just follow these 6 easy steps.


1. Take Yourself Too Seriously

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Let’s face facts; who on Earth is going to think you’re any kind of important, if you clearly don’t? People like to tell you that the key to success is “being yourself” and “earning money”.

They’re lying. The one thing that will propel your name into the halls of the BNOC alumni is leaving your house with your best, most practiced screw-face. People will stare with admiration, and your constant scowl will inspire them to do that one thing their parents told them they couldn’t.

2. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously

Every day is fancy dress day

Okay, there’s clearly a contradiction here, but BNOCs are complicated creatures. Chances are, the people you’re generally friends with are more likely to wear strap-ons on their heads than ram a stick up their arses (I would hope).

A lot of BNOCs aren’t afraid to unsheathe their one-inch manhoods just for the banter, or to tell their lecturer how much they love dick… from the back of the lecture theatre…

Oh yeah, and every day is fancy dress day for these guys… just sayin’.

3. Get Your Name Everywhere

Clearly I can't make posters

You know the name of that person you’ve never met but somehow know the name of? Chances are, at some point or another, they’ve whispered their name in your ear and evaporated before you had the chance to ask them what the fuck they did that for.

Seriously, though, BNOCs have done union rep campaigns, acquired most of their Facebook friends using the promise of a free VK in Mission, or at the very least gone to all eleven of the two house parties they’ve been invited to. In short, they know how to get themselves out there.

4. Host an Insane Party

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If you have the kind of house that’s begging for a good seeing to, and you’re not adverse to the idea of a few doors getting pulled off hinges and the occasional fire, then why not host a good old-fashioned party?

The one thing more socially enlightening than going to all the good parties is being the party. Now, every true BNOC knows that if at least three of the locked bedrooms on the upper floors haven’t been infiltrated, or so much as a single corridor hasn’t been baptised with every possible bodily fluid, the party has been a failure.

This party got the hosts banned from ever putting on a social function again. Good work.

5. Lead a Sports Team

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If this doesn’t go without saying, then you’d better get your head out of your arse. But let’s not kid ourselves – the BNOC’s not going to be the little runt the team had to recruit for the sake of diversity and equality. The BNOC’s the one on the front lines, commanding their team to victory… or defeat. All that matters is that they’re the leader.

So if you’re looking to become a BNOC, and you’re in a lesser spot in one of our great sports teams, I can only really propose mutiny to get you up there quick enough for people to actually notice. For those of you who don’t know how this works:

  1. Kill the Captain
  2. Become the Captain

6. Do The Most Obscure Modules You Can Find

See, isn't it great?

See, isn’t it great?

Outsourcing and spreading your social capital across many different subjects is a must for the BNOC, as social-ness is the only currency BNOCs care about, and they always invest it wisely.

You want to be known as that free spirit who does whatever the hell they want? Traditional Alcoholic Beverages is the module for you! In university, one of the best ways to meet people is through your course.

And clearly if you’re doing a BSc in Mathematics, Fashion and Kayaking (which should be a real course, by the way) you’re going to be meeting a lot of people… most of them insane, I will admit.