These are the lies people tell on their year abroad

Just when we thought we had waved goodbye to the smug gap yah photos back in sixth form, we’ve had another wave of travel wankers ruining our newsfeeds.

We’ve all been flooded with the keen group photos huddled outside the Eiffel Tower and the blogs reminding us of how pizza really tastes better in Naples– but what do people really think about their year abroad?

“I’ve got friends from all over the world.”

Translation: I’ve met people from all over the world.

You probably have a few Germans and Brazilian Erasmus exchanges in your class but chances are they don’t get your dry humour or sarcasm and wrote you off as an arsehole the moment you tried to win them over with your British wit.

For those “worldy” ones who actually have made friends outside of the UK it’s likely they went to international school and speak perfect English anyway and it’s also highly unlikely that you’re going to make that visit to Montreal next summer to keep in contact.

They’ll hate you for your humour

“I’m having a really enriching experience.”

Translation: Instead of complaining about who drank my milk in the flat, I’ve casually brushed upon some intellectual topics with friends over drinks one time.

 Do I really need to elaborate further on this lie?

“I speak X language all the time, I’m practically forgetting my English.”

Translation: I’m fucked for fourth year

You’re probably regretting going to a cosmopolitan capital city now when even waiters reply to you in English. You might come back with the best tan but that kid from your language class who ended up working on a farm in Provence will have the last laugh when they come back fluent and you still can’t sing the alphabet in French.

I’m smiling because I’m screwed

We all know you spend your days huddled at the front of lecture theatres, clinging onto the other English students giving each other side ways glances before coming home and watching Made in Chelsea.

“I don’t really miss the UK at all.”

Translation: I want to go home this weekend.

If you look on any search history of said yah abroad wanker, I guarantee you they’ve spent copious amount of time trying to find a VPN so they can spend their evenings watching re-runs of Downton Abbey and sipping tea whilst skyping mummy to ask her to book flights home.

Ah, really throwing yourself into the life of a local I see

“It allows me to travel so much at the weekend.”

Translation: Ryanair also does 19.99 euro flights to Italy

I’m sure your University’s Erasmus organised trip to Italy for the weekend wasn’t at all like a school trip and the photos of you with thirty other exchange students outside the leaning tower of Pisa really makes you look like you’ve made lots of new friends.

“The clubs here are so much better than the UK.”

Translation: I’m sick of techno music.

Okay, so the clubs abroad may stay open past 3am but underground clubbing does lose its charm when you’ve been fist pumping to the same electronic beat for four hours now – bit of cheese anybody?

Plus, the bouncers are as uptight as fuck, I got body searched after taking a casual mint on the dance floor during an underground house night in Paris. Please, turn off this repetitive beat and put something with words on now.

“My flat is amazing.”

Translation: My flat is six metres squared but you can almost see the corner of the Eiffel tower if you stand on a chair.

Alright, so you might not be sharing a cold flat in Marchmont with mice and a milk thief but just because you live next to a famous landmark doesn’t mean your flat isn’t pokey and you have a shared toilet.

I may live behind the Pantheon but my shower is bigger than my kitchen