Unless you came to uni for the sole purpose of socializing, and are willing to spend nine grand a year to waste your days watching re-runs of Jeremy Kyle and Masterchef, chances are you want to get a job after you’ve graduated from Durham, when the complete lack of a nightlife and the forced conversations with the locals will all be worth it.

However, all CVs need a bit of extra-curricular padding to prove that you’ll be able to make small talk during the tea breaks, but some things should be left in the ‘what happens at uni never needs to be spoken of again’ pile. Here are just some of them:

Fifa

Membership of this society essentially means you can offer nothing to your future employer other than your ability to sit on your ass for extended periods of time. Sure, you can tell yourself that it shows your ability to organise teams, delegate based on individual’s attributes and multitask, but in reality we all know that it’s just a mindless pastime to distract yourself from the emptiness of your life and provide some respite from endless wanking.

Crying or wanking?

Belly Dancing

Belly dancing may traditionally have been be a past-time of immense agility and skill, once a performance reserved for only the wealthiest of rulers. However, thanks to empowering female role models such as Britney Spears and Shakira, it has now become the reserve of locals after a few too many VKs. What’s more, the success of feminism means it’s no longer acceptable for women to sleep their way to the top, and therefore the ability to sway one’s hips and its obvious association with being good in the sack is no longer a reason for someone to employ you. Damn you, equality.

Inspiration for all you ‘career gals’ out there

Creative Writing

To be fair, membership to this society does openly advertise your ability to bullshit, which could potentially be used to get yourself out of trouble or maybe earn your company a bonus through almost legal methods. However, since the prerequisite for joining this society is a belief not only that any crap you spout is immediately publishable but that it’s also important enough to be forced into the minds of others and repeated at them until they agree, crying and quaking from the tirade of synonyms you’ve shouted at them for the past hour, you may not be the best team player for PWC’s latest recruitment drive.

Shakespeare ain’t got nothing on you

Freefalling

This society’s complete lack of relevance to any real life situation means that it can only be comprehended as a metaphor for your career and the subsequent break down that will come from having to move back in with your parents at the age of 35. Furthermore, you almost definitely joined because your interest was piqued during your gap yah in South America when you went freefalling off a mountain and accidentally found yourself in the balmy air.

No one is going to hire someone who will spend half their time condemning the capitalist concept of deadlines and the other half organizing campaigns to provide an alternative to carbs for pigeons.

Gap yah gap yah

LARPing

It’s undeniable that there is a slight stigma attached to this society, mainly because the sight of a group of fully grown people in historically accurate outfits, running around a field and pretending to kill each other with whittled sticks, is quite disturbing for the unprepared onlooker. You don’t have to be cool to work in a company, granted, but a general awareness of social interaction and a suit that doesn’t have puffed sleeves might help.

Not exactly how to manage a sub-team

Drinking societies

You can chop pints. You can pull birds. You have the best chat.

Yes, I’m sure employers will be very impressed. Especially if you’re called the ‘Banter Squadron‘.

Bright future

More shit socs? Write them in the comments.