Doxbridge being an actual thing

Some of us (read: most of us) still haven’t got over that dream-crushing Oxbridge rejection which broke your 17 year old heart. If everyone would just let us pretend Doxbridge is a thing, it would save the years of bitterness and hours of therapy.

Much better

A puppy room 

Every year the DSU asks the people what we want to help ease the torture of third term, and every year the people demand a puppy room. And yet, instead of adorable labradors, they choose to clog our newsfeeds with less than adorable students holding ‘Work Smart’ whiteboards stating the bleeding obvious. When will the DSU learn? We don’t want hydration and regular breaks. We want puppies.

Call of the people

DU Quidditch  

It’s hard to believe this doesn’t already exist. I mean, we have the castle, we have the Potter module, surely we should go the whole hog(warts) and pretend we can fly? Durham in America has a league, now it’s time to bring it home, plus the stash would be 100% worth it.

Emma Watson, eat your heart out.

A Vice Chancellor we actually like 

Now that Higgins is on his way out, this could actually happen. Fingers crossed for a VC like the one at Northampton. He takes selfies, crowd surfs and necks wine like he’s at his first Hatfield formal.

Legend

Decent clubbing 

There is no happy medium in Durham: it’s just all shit. Sometimes, you’re packed in so tight that Loveshack are essentially charging £4 to play drunk sardines.  Other nights, funky shapes are the only thing you’re pulling, as there are no actual people. You just can’t win.

Lone raver

Fast food 

It’s the morning after a few too many and McDonalds is calling, but…we still don’t have one. And with the old Burger King as empty as your stomach, you’re forced to beg a mate with a car to drive the twenty painful minutes to find the Holy Grail of hangover cures, or wait in agony until Urban Oven opens its hallowed doors at teatime.

A void of disappointment

Primark 

Admittedly, some of us only need this shit hole for fancy dress, but when you’ve spent your student loan on champers and ket, and Daddy has changed his pin number, Jack Wills and The Keep just aren’t really an option anymore.

Unsustainable

Better music scene

Not to criticise the DSU open mic nights and the odd Fishtank shindig, but there aren’t that many decent gigs in Durham. All I’m saying is that it would be nice to widen musical horizons beyond Taylor Swift covers and Nova DJs. Until the days when decent bands arrive, however, we can still enjoy the most diverse buskers on our doorstep. Not many people get free daily performances from Korean Singing Guy.

Good fun, right?

Better lecture theatres 

Every time it rains, we shouldn’t have to worry that Elvet Riverside will turn into, well, Elvet River. Even DUBC don’t fancy lectures in the Wier, and for £9000 a year this shit is poor.

We remember it well

A finished library 

Most of us will have graduated before they finally stop messing about with Billy B. Playing hide and seek with books which keep changing levels doesn’t make learning fun. Just put in the puppies and then leave it, thanks.

Ominous