All the terrible chat up lines I’ve heard on nights out in Bristol
One guy offered me ‘ketty sex’
The movies teach you to sit and wait, the boy will come to you. Going out and searching for a guy, sexist as it may be, tends to be distastefully coined as 'desperate'. But what if the boy does come. And he's a little weird. Hello Bristol Uni.
So we're 6 weeks into the first term and it’s fair to say my introduction as a fresher to the Bristol romantic (?) scene has been unpredictable. Bristol is widely appreciated for its quirky and independent qualities and I explicitly remember my godmother's selling point of this University City being that here it is, "Just so random! One day they'll just close off an entire street filling it with massive waterslides.'
To both my delight, or rather fascination, and horror this wonderful city's anarchic nature apparently stretches much further than the glancing wanderer's eye, or at least certainly as far as the romantic scene. Idiosyncratic is a characteristic rooted much more deeply in the culture of Brizzle than one might think.
From married men in the club insisting 'But I only married her seven weeks ago' to the younger man turning his back on you after revealing that actually you're not the biggest Game of Thrones fan – the range of, quite frankly, hilarious, scenes I’ve witnessed and experienced on a night out is extensive.
From being told that I am a 'Clean blonde dish *wink' and being propositioned for “ketty sex” so that “you can, like, punch me in the face I wont even feel it” to being offered a “sensual massage.. put on the binaural soundtrack.. I'm actually really good at this my dad is part gypsy”; it's been an enlightening intro to West Country courting.
But do we actually like this bizarre and often primal-esque attention on a night out you may wonder? I'd say ONLY if it makes a good story and sorry not because, as my friend Millie had it put to her by a Hiatt Baker resident because we want to 'bed you'; Millie responded that had she ever had the inclination to 'bed' him, after that particular wording of invitation she now certainly did not. Sorry Hiatt Baker boy. What's a shame is that she actually did quite like you before you fucked it, or indeed did not (apologies).
Just as a petit example of how easily you could do a better job should you ever wish to 'bed' a girl, I know one person who just turned to the person they were watching a movie with and said 'would it be really cheeky if we slept together?’ Three weeks later they're still being 'cheeky' together. It's not actually THAT hard to get it right.
But will boys ever change their oftentimes-twisted tactics n the pulling arena? Maybe! Apparently us girls are proving to be less persuaded by the old grinding and wrapping around of arms – one of my flatmates commented today that he's realised since freshers, 'It's much harder to get with girls now, you actually have to speak to them'. Hip hip hooray.