I tried Cosmo’s steps to finding a boyfriend

It was supposed to boost my sex appeal


Everyone says second year is the year for relationships. The idea of being in a relationship at uni has never seemed appealing to me. I’ve always found it belittling when girls talk about finding someone to “take care” of them or “share things with” – I have social media for that.

My mum however, has been less than subtle in attempting to change my relationship status.

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As well as attempting to introduce me to guys over FaceTime she recently took things a step further by sending me the link to a Cosmo article on “How to Get a Boyfriend” with the caption “This could find you a BOYFRIEND!!!!”.

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Not even a little bit

The article promises to boost your sex appeal. I wasn’t aware my sex appeal needed boosting but apparently my mother thinks it does.

So I thought I’d try out some of their “ballsy tips” for those “in a dating rut”, what’s the harm?

Get the ball rolling by asking all your friends if they know any single guys

Great. My first #journorequest and it’s going to be asking my friends if they know single guys which makes me look embarrassingly desperate.

Unsurprisingly none of my friends took this seriously.

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My favourite response

Perfect your come-hither look — Tilt your head slightly down and to the side, then look up from under your lashes and smile. This pose shows guys its okay to approach – trust us, it works

Really? I want to trust you Cosmo, I just don’t know if a “come-hither look” is going to make that much difference to my relationship status.

But whatever, I’ll give it a go. I enlisted the help of my good friend, and come-hither look expert.

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Nailed it.

We spent some time in the library with this exact look. And to be fair to Cosmo, it did produce some kind of a reaction. No boyfriend, but a lot of weird looks from people walking past.

You know those emails your college sends out about alumni networking events? Actually RSVP to one!

Ok!

There’s only one issue.

I went to an all girls school. The closest thing we had to an alumni networking event was that time some of us got drunk and ended up in Liquid in Windsor. Trust me there was no chance of me finding a boyfriend there.

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Just the alumni networking

Join a group with a large guy-to-girl ratio, like a runner’s club or ping pong team

When I think of a group with a large guy-to-girl ratio, I think of darts clubs, I think of rugby teams, I think of Engineers.

So naturally, I went to a finite element analysis examples class.

A friend explained this class is almost entirely male and given the format you spend most of the time discussing the work in groups with other students.

I’m from an Arts degree. When we’re asked to talk to other students in class we make small talk about how unprepared we are for the essay due next week, where we went out last night, that kind of stuff.

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Spoilt for choice

It’s not the same in engineering. My neighbour turned to me and started to explain something about calculating stiffness. This wasn’t an innuendo. This was a genuine equation.

I got up and left. It turns out a finite element analysis examples class is exactly as much fun as it sounds.

‘Accidentally’ bump into a sexy man when you’re at the grocery store. It’s an instant convo starter and the physical contact from your little collision makes the exchange more intimate

I have two left feet. I’ve been awkwardly bumping into people since day one Cosmo. Still no boyfriend. But fine.

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The scene of the crime

Don’t judge me. I chose Waitrose. I go to my local Sainsbury’s all the time and have never returned with a boyfriend. Plus, if I’m looking for a boyfriend I’d want him to be more Waitrose finest than Sainsbury’s basic.

So I go to Waitrose. I see a guy. We make eye contact. I awkwardly stand in his way so that he brushes past me as he reaches for the smoked salmon. He apologises for brushing past me. I apologise for being in his way. He insists it was his fault. I insist it was mine. I walk away. He walks away.

I definitely wouldn’t describe the exchange as “intimate”.

Men tend to be intimidated by a pack of girls, so hit up a bar with just two friends. If you see a guy you like, pull away from your friends and shoot him ‘the look’

Yeah, I have dimples, I don’t think I’m intimidating anyone.

However, I won’t turn down an excuse to go to a bar with some friends. As for “the look”, it’s a lot easier to do when you’re sober, the more I drank the more my “look” turned into a drunk pout.

Come hither?

Come hither?

The bar was pretty empty because we followed the other step in the article which suggested we went out on an “off-night” because “bypassing the weekend mobs will give you better luck connecting with men”.

This meant less time waiting to get served so really it was a blessing in disguise. We didn’t have much luck “connecting with men” but I do have pages of drunk selfies which are of more use to me than any random guy’s phone number.

Selifes with the girls > a random guy's phone number

Selifes with the girls > a random guy’s phone number

This one is ridiculous. WHO uses emails socially anymore?

Plus, which email address do you give out? Giving my university email address seems cliché. Do I give my old email address I use if I’m scared I’ll receive spam? Because I think telling someone to email [email protected] isn’t going to get me far.

You’ve mastered seductive body lingo; now cast a wider net and flash a knowing smile to every hot guy you come across

Does this look like someone who has mastered seductive body lingo?

Does I look like someone who has mastered seductive body lingo?

Dare yourself to hand your business card to a sexy stranger and ask him to call you

Do you know how much it costs to get business cards made?

Too much. It is literally a piece of card with some useless information on it.

I’d want a business card with info that I actually want people knowing, like my Instagram account. More followers on Insta is worth a lot more to me than a phone call from a stranger.

Also, who talks on the phone anymore? I can’t send my friends a screenshot of our conversation and get their advice on how best to reply if we’re talking on the phone.