Dear straight people, here’s how to act in a gay club

Me and my girlfriend go to our local gay club nearly every week so we can dance, get pissed and indulge in a heavy PDA session without having to feel like we are being embedded into some guy's wank-bank memory for later.

But with the increase of straight males in the clubs, the prying eyes have increased, even resulting in us getting videoed one night as we shared a kiss. We have received some pretty heavy abuse and disrespect, on our own turf, and we are over it.

So, for our straight allies and friends, I have compiled a guide on how to navigate the gay club scene in a way that allows us all to have a good time and tear up that dance floor like tomorrow is never coming.

Not all Gay people are walking caricatures

Stop assuming that everyone is the same. Not all gay men spend their nights watching RuPaul’s drag race, dreaming of sashaying down a runway in a cheap wig. Just like not all straight men are loud-mouth football hooligans who drink Stella, wearing an off-white wife beater. The same goes for gay women, they aren’t all angry, man-hating dykes who rock a crew cut and a pair of Doc Martens. My point here is this, stop assuming that gay people should look and act exactly like popular culture has told you they do. Do not, I repeat – do not – utter the statement “But you don’t look gay".

Do not assume that everyone will fancy you

There is a perception that if a straight man enters a gay club, all the gays well smell him at one hundred paces and go weak at the knees for his sweet, sweet hetero ways. They won’t. Equally straight girls, you will not be cornered by a group of hungry lesbians on a mission to turn. Believe it or not, it’s just like going to any other club and people generally only chat up people they fancy.

Bearing this in mind, someone may fancy you and that person will most likely be gay. Please remember that a gay club is the only place where LGBT+ folk can assume that they are with likeminded people, and that the clientele will share a similar sexual desire to them.

So, if a member of the same sex does chat you up do not make them feel like a dickhead, just say "thank you for being so drunk you find me attractive, but I’m straight".

Gay people are not bucket list items

Straight men, listen up. Lesbians will not turn for you, and telling them they must only be gay because they haven’t met you is just rude and ignorant. They will not spend one night with you just to “confirm 100 per cent” that they are gay.

In addition to this, do not approach a lesbian couple with the goal of convincing them to have a threesome with you, or trying to chat one of them up. How about I come up to your girlfriend and try to sleep with her. We have all heard the comparison of girls to spaghetti, right?

Straight girls, now it's your turn to listen. It’s no longer 1999, a gay best friend is not a must-have accessory like a black velvet choker. You do not need a GBF. So stop trying to get one by dancing up against them spouting sassy comments like "Yassssss Kween". Chances are, they are already the RuPaul to someone else's Michelle Visage.

Do not ask who is a top or bottom or who is the 'man in the relationship'

Straight people are fascinated with the bedroom balance of a gay relationship, but let me break this down for you. Asking who is a top/bottom or who’s the man/woman is basically asking for an insight into a couple’s sex life. I don’t ask who spanks who in your relationship, do I?

We do not need your approval

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that straight and gay people can finally come together in the name of a good night out. But Saturday night in the gay club is for getting wasted and bopping to cheesy 90’s hits. It is not up for discussion about how you support gay people, and how your cousin is gay, and how you would totally vote in favour of gay marriage.

It’s about having a good time, partying with friends, and not the platform for political views or being told that we are "very brave" or being asked "how did you parents take it?" How do your parents take it that you have zero social skills?

These discussions are great, and they are necessary, but not after one too many jaegers, puffing on a menthol cigarette. Save that sort of talk for marriage equality marches and political debates. Save those words of support for where they matter, to people who need to hear it. Not to someone who doesn’t know you and just wants to hear Cascada one more time before the chippy.

I am not at all heterophobic. In fact, I know some straight people, I work for an organisation that totally supports heterosexual lifestyles. My cousin is actually straight – we have so much in common!

I love seeing the boundaries between gay and straight people slowly dissolving, but we still have a long way to go to accept each other in a way that is respectful.