All of the nine student Christmas personas you’re bound to encounter this festive season

2. The house mum who hogs cooking the roast dinner

1 year ago

For every festive elf you’ll find lurking your university campus, you’ll find a Scrooge who straight up refuses to do Secret Santa. You’ll hear some students singing Christmas songs in early November and there will be that one flatmate who doesn’t get an advent calendar until they go into clearance.

Once each student has settled into university life, there is only a few short months until their Christmas persona appears. The archetypes of these students are as varied as a box of Celebrations. Read on knowing that, ultimately, someone has to be a bounty.

1. The elf

Regardless of whether its student halls or a student house, everyone will be home to at least one elf. They can be whimsical creatives or stressed out academics, Christmas spirit doesn’t discriminate. They love everything about Christmas and the celebrations start as soon as Halloween ends. They make sure they go to every Christmas market, carol concert, and insist that the uni house has a Christmas dinner – their Christmas overkill could make even the merriest student want to smother them in a stocking.

They are at their happiest during these winter months, all bright-eyed and bushy tailed. In fact, if you know an elf, don’t bother trying to converse with them at all over the Christmas period, they will only talk about Christmas presents and/or their longing to leave uni and start a career in Lapland…as (you guessed it) one of Santa’s elves. They are easily identifiable during the summer months too, when they look like a shell of their former festive-self and much like someone who is having withdrawals, begin to shake and hum “Silent Night” to themselves.

2. The house mum who hogs cooking the roast dinner

Gordon? Nigella? Heston? Nobody can whip up a budget Christmas dinner like the house mum. Of course, it also means that absolutely nobody else is allowed in the kitchen, and even volunteering to make part of the roast is a smack-in-the-face insult to their culinary genius. The need for praise consumes them and they slave for hours over a stove just to hear their housemates say, “good but it’s not my mums” – but thats all they need. Christmas for them revolves around the food and they are more than happy to feed everyone.

3. The one who enjoys coloured lights

It’s cute when you’re ten x

4. The one who fucking hates coloured lights

Because who wouldn’t love a warm twinkly light, it goes with everything.

5. The one who doesn’t have gravy on their Christmas dinner

Grow up, you absolute child. You don’t deserve to be at uni and you don’t deserve Christmas.

6. The Scrooge

At some point in their lives Scrooges decided to make not enjoying Christmas their personality trait. People of course try to spur on some Christmas cheer but it’s no use.

They are set in their ways and they’ve already learnt the same 3 lines that every Scrooge says: “Christmas is about consumerism”, “If you aren’t religious then it’s like every other day”, and “No, you can’t put the Christmas tree up in November.” Proper Scrooge behaviour that.

7. The secret Xmas lover

Pretends to be a Scrooge but as soon as they hear the bangers from Nativity’s soundtrack they break into song. They keep their excitement low-key but ultimately, they are counting down the days till Santa comes too.

8. The tight arse turned seasonal snowman

The snowmen are a hard to spot type of student, and once you find them, you’ll wish you hadn’t. Accurately named for their frosty and unemotional character, these students are most likely studying something to do with accounting or business. Despite these students normally being a delight, at Christmas they turn into everyone’s worst nightmare. Due to the inevitable spending on pressies for friends and loved ones, they go into panic mode. Gone are the days where they might treat you for a drink in the local, during the holidays a Snowman will charge you the cost for a single roasted chestnut.

You underspend 10p on the secret Santa budget? You best be coughing that up. Because fair is fair and they have an excel spreadsheet to care for.

9. The Kevin McCallister

Ah Kevin! Everyone will know of at least one; slightly argumentative, incredibly stubborn, with the maturity level of a prepubescent teen. They love a good old prank and think Elf on the Shelf is the best thing since Home Alone premiered, in fact, during flat movie night that is literally their only suggestion during the festive period. They will most certainly have nails sticking out the floorboards waiting for you if you even try to argue that Elf is a better Christmas film.