Ranking all the 2022 Love Islanders by who I’d most like to be stuck on a desert island with

Love Island is not called Love Villa, for reasons unbeknownst to us. The whole show revolves around the villa. One season was filmed in notoriously-not-an-island South Africa, so despite the fact our main villa is in Majorca it could honestly be anywhere for all it matters. Since I hear and think about the word ‘island’ a million times a day thanks to this show dominating my every waking thought, I got to pondering on how this hapless bunch would fair on an actual island. I’m talking shipwrecked, plane crashed, Bear Grylls world. You might be the cock of the walk at Love Island, but who would I want to be doomed with on Survival Island? Here are all the Love Island 2022 villa residents ranked by who I’d most likely to be lumped with on a desert island.

14. Luca

I would rather take my chances in the depths of the Pacific Ocean than have to attempt survival in the presence of this man. I could simply not stomach his company. I do not want to hear a peep from him, whether I’m on sandy shores fighting for my life or not. In the immortal words of Dawn Ward: “Shut it, big teeth.”

13. Dami

The petulant child of the villa. I do not suffer fools, and I won’t suffer such on the sand as I fight for my life. I need people I can count on and I can’t trust Dami as far as the angry sharks of the desert island sea can throw him.

12. Tasha

I’m in my Tasha Ghouri defence squad era, but all things considered, I do not want to be on a desert island with her when stacked against her Love Island 2022 cast mates. She is a weeper and a wailer, and so am I. We can’t both sit there crying. We’ve got lives to get to safety!

11. Billy

No backbone, and a treacherous energy. The streets do not forget how he didn’t stand up for Gemma in flirt-gate. And even if the desert island I’m stranded on with him has no streets, mark my words, they still don’t forget. The sand doesn’t forget!

10. Andrew

Sucked the coconuts or whatever. Licked the coconuts or whatever.

9. Davide

My lazy and self absorbed king! He’s probably let me die to save himself, and you know what, fair.

8. Summer

I really love Summer and I feel like she’s one of the Love Island 2022 Islanders who really would get shit done for our survival on the desert island we’ve found ourselves on. Unfortunately, she has been struck down by the American accent plague that’s infected the villa and I can’t endure that on my telly, let alone on the shores of survival.

7. Adam

The jury is out on the usefulness of Adam Collard to me on a desert island, but I know two things: He’s strong and he’s horny. He could do all the heavy lifting of building our shelter and I’d just sit around until he got bored enough to decide he was a bit bicurious and we’d have a sandy bonk. Job done.

6. Deji

Not really sure how useful Deji would be, but feel like he’d just be quiet and no bother. And that’s what I need when I find myself in extreme bother. A bit of blasé!

5. Paige

Although I would be going round the bend with the constant baby voice and “hunny buns”, Paige is a paramedic. A very useful asset to have around when I inevitably cut my toe on a shell or get eaten by coconut crabs like Amelia Earhart.

4. Indiyah

Indiyah just gets stuck right in. A team player. Level headed. We’d bask nicely in the desert island sun, one of the only Love Island contestants of 2o22 who isn’t annoying in the slightest. Would probably thrive.

3. Ekin-Su

Look, she might be useless. She might not have a clue how to survive on a desert island. We’d probably both be useless and die. But if I’m going to die, I want to die happy. And I would be happiest with the most iconic queen to grace reality television in years by my side. We’d just have a right laugh in the sand. I really see us fashioning some Sinitta-esque palm leaf outfits and having a camp old time.

2. Gemma

Gemma Owen has no right being such an outstanding communicator and level headed problem solver. But that’s exactly what she is. She wipes the floor with everyone in the villa with her arguing and conversation skills and she’d whip every survivor on the desert island into shape. And she’s only 19! Her horse skills make me think she could tame some desert island wildlife too, and truly ascend into the island gyal, island gyal our Cheshire queen was born to be.

1. Danica

CEO Danica Taylor would manage the desert island like she manages every conversation in that villa: With the ferocity, dedication and meticulous care of a HR manager on a rampage. The desert island itself would be under her thumb, pleading for her to approve its annual leave. There is nothing this woman cannot do. Besides get mugged off by evil men in the villa, but that’s beside the point. She would run a desert island like the navy.

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Featured image by Delphine Fant on Unsplash before edits.

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