Every stupid decision that proved last night’s Love Island was actually Clown Island

Get your white face paint out and dust off your honking red noses, guys, because we aren’t in the midst of a Love Island season anymore. Nope. Get your custard pies and misshapen novelty balloons out. Because after the events of last night’s Love Island – we are no longer in the hills of Majorca. We’re in the shameful depths of Clown Island. Because the clownery on display through every decision made on last night’s episode was astronomical. Barely two minutes could go by without me watching the episode shaking my head in dismay, disapproval and murmuring an “Oh dear, oh dear” under my displeased breath. Here’s every stupid thing that happened last night on Love Island that proved we’re all rotting on Clown Island after all!

Paige and Jacques

The eye roll to end all eye rolls comes as we watch Jacques chip away at Paige’s paper thin veneer for forgiveness, in methods that truly prove the bar is so low it’s enflamed in the fiery pits of hell. Paige repeatedly says no to Jacques when he asks for a cuddle, as if we’re all going to be impressed that she’s holding out on him even though she’s smiling like a Cheshire cat because he wrote “miss you hunny bun xx” on a napkin in lipstick.

Yep. This is the wooing that we have to contend with on the country’s biggest dating show. A rather haunting scrawling of miss you in lipstick. Paige wasn’t unnerved by this, she was more or less thrilled. We are in for weeks of hell as she forgives the man who went to Casa Amor, got a boner in the pool and said the actual words “Paige who?”

Dami and Indiyah

We do not want Dami and Indiyah to make amends. The Dami fall from grace is unprecedented. He was the life and soul of the villa, immaculate vibes, cool as fuck. Then he ruined it all with a bad trip to Casa and encouraged all the other lads to stray too. Only to come back to Casa, be judgemental towards Indiyah for recoupling even though he did the exact same and now is willing to bin off Summer to go back to Indiyah who he apparently had feelings for the whole time anyway.

And Indiyah is going to let him. For some unknown reason!

Tasha and Andrew

After the chaos, carnage and anarchy of Titgate 2022 (“Sucked her tits or whatever, licked her tit or whatever”), you’d think Andrew and Tasha were dead and buried. Sealed with a kiss. Nope. They’re both still obsessed with each other – and despite the fact they’ve had more ups and downs than a rollercoaster at Blackpool Pleasure Beach it seems that even Andrew suckling upon Coco’s Casa Amor teet wasn’t enough to finally put Tasha off. Clown noses all round!

Josh and Danica

Free our girl! She might sound like she’s about to tell the netball girls off in a high school PE class every time she starts speaking, but Danica has been done consistently dirty this entire season. And it’s clown nose o’clock for both of these two, as Josh randomly friendzones her because he needs “a foundation” before it becomes romantic – whatever the hell that means – and Danica practically begs for it to not be the case. Honk honk all aboard the clown car.

Every Casa Amor addition being done dirty for no reason

A terrible episode for Summer, Deji, Chyna and Coco who have now all been well and truly been pied off. Our main villa cast had their Casa Amor dalliances, chose to recouple and then unceremoniously got dumped off or friendzone not two days back in the main villa. Bleak times. Coco was used and Summer was used by boys who treated them as means to an end and then as a power move in the recoupling. Deji had a similar ride, and he’s not happy with Indiyah. I don’t blame him.

Chyna got unceremoniously friendzoned, and Billy looks like Tasha is going to do the same with him. Poor Casa alumni. They’ve been dragged into the main villa and left high and dry.

Luca is giving horror clown

This bloke is the Pennywise of the villa. I have to look away when he comes onto the screen because honest to god, he’s that unnerving. Every time Gemma so much as moves her eyes to glance in somebody else’s direction, he’s on it like a fly on shit. It’s really… not sitting great with me. This current issue he has with Billy saying anything to her is bizarre – and it’s the kind of scary behaviour horror clowns would be proud of.

Gemma, free yourself. Get away from this claustrophobic chaos!

Erm… Adam Collard?

Writing this makes me feel like maybe I’m the one on Clown Island because the return of Destiny’s Chaldish’s founding father feels like a fever dream. Like I’m falling for this elaborate practical joke. But here he is.  The first ever returning bombshell in the show’s history back to cause even more chaos. Any girls that fall for his charms in the episode tonight and the one’s that follow are so clown they need to superglue noses on – he is the villain of all Love Island villains. We are not ready.

Are the producers the clowns for getting him back? Are we the clowns for gasping at our tellies and feeding it? We will find out tonight, when Clown Island womp womps its way back on to our screens. See you at 9!

Clown – sorry, LOVE – Island 2022 continues on ITV2 at 9pm tonight. For all the latest Love Island news and gossip and for the best memes and quizzes, like The Holy Church of Love Island on Facebook.

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