Rating every song on Adele’s new album 30 by how many tears it gets on the weep scale
Hoping and praying the weep scale is water resistant x
A new Adele album being released into the cultural stratosphere is no ordinary music release. It’s a moment for the culture. The world will remember two periods – the time before 30 and the time after. Such is her power as a global superstar. It’s no secret that Adele’s music has soundtracked tears rolling down the faces of a global audience since she first debuted back in 2008. Hometown Glory had everyone walking round their towns with a new level of main character energy, even me walking round the hallowed streets of Stockport somehow felt like I was in a film that was about to win a Bafta. 14 years later, in her own words this record is about “Divorce, babes. Divorce.” With 30, Adele’s released the most critically acclaimed and confident record of her career – but how much are we weeping? Are the tears flowing? Here’s a track by track review of every song on the new Adele album 30 and rating it by how high it scores on the weep scale.
1. Strangers By Nature
Strangers By Nature is the perfect track one because it feels like it’s welcoming you into Adele’s soulful, masterfully sang world with open arms. It sounds almost like a Christmas song – the start of a cosy film you’re watching with a full belly, a blanket, your dog and a mulled wine. If it feels vintage, it’s because it was inspired by Adele paying homage to Judy Garland after watching the biopic Judy. It’s gorgeous and warm, but the tear ducts remain mostly untouched. So far.
Weep scale verdict: One solitary trickling tear, 2/10
2. Easy On Me
The biggest song of 2021 gets better on every listen, each time feeling more engrained into my soul and my being. On first listen, Easy On Me felt predictably moving, perhaps a safe move from the biggest artist alive after five years away. Once you really hear it, feel it and BE IT, though – it’s devastating. A chorus sang to her son about the difficulties she has explaining the likes of divorce and hard times to a child of his age, the whole thing is bursting with raw emotion. The power of the chorus and the final crescendo is a one way ticket to weep city.
Weep scale verdict: Full pack of Kleenex used up, 7/10
3. My Little Love
An absolutely doting ode to her son Angelo, featuring voice recordings of conversations between mother and son, My Little Love feels like a peek inside the world of one of the world’s biggest superstars who somehow manages to maintain an extremely low profile. When she is not on an album cycle, Adele is an extremely private person. My Little Love feels like her baring her family’s soul. It’s extremely hard to not be moved by her singing lyrics like “When you lay on me, can you hear the way my heart breaks?” and “I love your dad ’cause he gave you to me”. By the time we get to her devastating voicemail in the outro, hearing her voice break and cry, it feels so honest and raw and sad. She didn’t have to share this with us, but it makes the music so much more affecting because she did.
Weep scale verdict: Ugly crying, eyes red and puffy, 9/10
4. Cry Your Heart Out
Cry Your Heart Out is a song about depression masquerading as a jaunty Motown number, and it’s the musical equivalent of putting on a brave face when it feels literally impossible to do so. The upbeat instrumentation is that brave face, and the lyrical content is the true emotion. Despite the really upsetting and relatable lyrical content, music is a healer, and the vibes here make me feel like wiping the tears away and having a good time despite how I’m feeling. And that’s fine by me, sometimes it’s needed.
Weep scale verdict: Emotions pulled together, could only see tear remnants if you looked closely, 3/10
5. Oh My God
I’m going to say it: This is a sex bop. This is a song for the recently single who want to go on a big night out, feel hot and sexy, get kissed and have FUN. And after the emotions of tracks one to four, this is what’s needed. It makes me want to put my fittest outfit on and go and kiss a random man this instant.
Weep scale verdict: Potential little weep in the chicken shop at the end of the night, 1/10
6. Can I Get It
My personal favourite song on 30 is this Max Martin produced pop banger, that’s basically Adele coming down on the album from the fun of Oh My God. The song is a woman on a mission, when the fun of casual sex stops being fun anymore and something longer lasting and more worthwhile is what you want. That search for connection and a proper relationship can be a hard one, but on Can I Get It, Adele’s got resolve.
Weep scale verdict: None at all, strong vibes, let’s smash it, 0/10
7. I Drink Wine
Hotly tipped to be the next single, I Drink Wine got attention when the track list was released for obvious reasons. It’s the Prosecco Hun anthem of the album, with Adele’s vocal choices on the song even sounding like she’s been on the Vino a bit in the best way. You know how Rihanna sounds quite tipsy when she sings Love On The Brain? I Drink Wine is very that. It’s got crying whilst cuddling your friends and telling them how much you love them vibes.
Weep scale verdict: Snotty drunk crying, 6/10
8. All Night Parking Interlude
Look, Adele Adkins, I love ya – but no 30 album track that’s nearly three minutes long is allowed to be called an interlude. This is a song! It samples Erroll Garner and contains a trap beat and it’s a cute girl but probably the most forgettable moment on the record, I’m sorry to say. All Night Parking has a dreamy vibe to it, a stream of consciousness, but it’s fairly free of weeps and wails.
Weep scale verdict: Safe from tears this time, 0/10
9. Woman Like Me
No, not the Little Mix LM5 single featuring Nicki Minaj. Adele’s Woman Like Me is an annihilation of her ex husband, make no mistake about it. She chides him for being complacent, lazy, inconsistent and insecure and if I was him after listening to this I’d be running for cover. Woman Like Me arguably contains the best and angriest lyrics on 30, with the killer chorus blow of “Consistency is the gift to givе for free and it is key / To ever keep, to ever keep a woman like me” being a particular highlight.
Weep scale verdict: Angry, furious, red tears of savage fire and flame – 9/10
10. Hold On
This song is a healer. The tears you cry whilst listening to the dulcet, gospel tones of Hold On are ones of resolve and new beginning. It has a climactic sound to it, if Adele had this as the final album track of 30 it wouldn’t feel out of place. The vocals in the final third are earth shaking and I love it.
Weep scale verdict: Positive tears but a lot of tears all the same – 8/10
11. To Be Loved
Our humble queen broke the internet when she dropped this on the 17th, sat about in her comfies belting out the most devastating song she’s ever written. To Be Loved is a career best – from both a vocal and songwriting perspective. The chorus is devastating, a wrecking ball straight to the heart. A gut punch. It’s what Adele does best. The tears are flowing and may never, ever stop.
Weep scale verdict: Broken, water damaged, water levels rising globally and universal flood damage – 10000/10
12. Love Is A Game
A very soulful, retro and cinematic finale that does feel like a bit anticlimactic after the international implications and devastation of To Be Loved, but Love Is A Game is a positive finish after an album that has its fair share of sorrow. Adele is ambitious on every bit of 30, making it her album that feels the most daring and exciting. Her inspirations are on full display and Love Is A Game rounds everything off with a warm, Breakfast At Tiffany’s smile.
Weep scale verdict: No tears left to cry – wholesome smiles only – 0/10