An ode to Rahul Kohli: The king of Netflix and sole owner of my heart

Smack my Midnight M-ass like a drum

“Whatta man, whatta man, whatta man, what a mighty good man” sang Salt-N-Pepa and En Vogue in 1993, but I never really understood what they meant. It wasn’t until I first clapped eyes on Rahul Kohli that I felt deep inside the true meaning of mighty good man. Because that man takes gay awakening to new heights on a daily basis. I don’t care if its Twitter, haunted mansions or stomping round the sheriff’s office of an isolated island. Where Rahul Kohli goes, me and my wagging, thirsty tongue follow obediently. Everything this man does, touches or says is golden. My fingers are compelled to do a lot of things when he’s on my mind, but today they are compelled to type a loving ode to an actor who has the Netflix world in a chokehold. Most recently, due to Rahul Kohli getting a starring role as Sheriff Hassan in the new Netflix show, Midnight Mass. My king, this one is for you.

Thank you iZombie for starting it all 

If he looked at me like this I would melt into a worthless puddle

I put off watching iZombie for a long time because, to be frank, I thought it looked fucking stupid. I love the zombie genre, and one look at iZombie’s ugly visual poster design and stupid name put me right off. But on a recommendation from a pal, I started it and it took barely one episode for me to be obsessed with the extremely fun concept, likeable cast and sexy English medical examiner with a beard. Rahul as Ravi is geeky, fun and fit as fuck. He’s the glue that holds iZombie together – a comfort blanket that you can wrap up in when the zombie chaos reigns on.

This is your sign to start iZombie. You won’t regret it, because it’s a hoot. And Rahul Kohli is in it. Not to say I’m indie and ahead of the curve, but hardly anyone watched iZombie in the UK for some unknown reason. I was thirsting alone for so many years. A one man Kohli fan club. Until a certain manor haunting came along, and a social media frenzy and thirsty cultural revolution began.

The only thing ‘perfectly splendid’ about Bly Manor was king Kohli

Rahul Kohli Midnight Mass

I want to hold on to that moustache like my life depends on it

The Haunting of Bly Manor was an endurance task. But every little kitchen scene starring our naked chef Owen was sweet respite. He made life and the haunted afterlife worth living, and more importantly he skyrocketed Rahul Kohli into the homes of the mainstream and made him a cherished figure in the cultural zeitgeist. The way he put up with those hell on earth kids with endless patience and nurture made him evolve from not just a sexy actor and wank fuel, but wholesome husband material.

His Twitter account is what social media was made for

Rahul Kohli tweets like my mutuals tweet. When I see him on timeline I feel like I’m amongst my Twitter gays, even though he’s in a committed heterosexual relationship. He’s still one of us. “My bussy is ready.” BUSSY? This word is for us only, but I will grant you permission, Rahul. It’s what you deserve.

Because this is a fella who uses his Twitter account to remain on the same level as his fans. He bonks us and sends us to horny jail, but he loves us being there. He often asserts that he loves the extremely graphic tweets and welcomes the thirst. It’s refreshing, it’s fun and it makes his online presence a sanctuary to be around.

He’s intelligent, witty, funny and uses his platform to stand up for what’s right. The below tweet being a personal favourite.

Midnight Mass shows Rahul Kohli ain’t taking his foot off the gas

Rahul Kohli Midnight Mass

David Harbour is no longer the sexiest Netflix sheriff

Mike Flanagan is a horror auteur with taste. I love that he cast Rahul Kohli in Bly Manor and then got him straight into Midnight Mass as an even sexier character. Here’s hoping that Flanagan will make Kohli his muse, like he has with his wife Katie Siegel who stars in almost all of his productions. I’m so happy to have Rahul Kohli stomping round Crockett Island as Sheriff Hassan that I’m willing to excuse how dreadful his American accent is.

I’ve not even finished Midnight Mass yet and it’s already one of the most thoughtful shows of 2021. Rahul Kohli’s role as a muslim sheriff on an isolated island with a small, devout christian population is one that gives Flanagan excellent mileage to write good, insightful dialogue and gives Kohli so much room to flex his acting chops. And, judging by his weight gain that evolved into muscle for the role, room to flex his new biceps. Preferably right in front of my face.

All episodes of Midnight Mass are available to stream on Netflix now. For all the latest Netflix news, drops and memes like The Holy Church of Netflix on Facebook.

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