16 telltale signs that flatcest is happening in your uni house
There are SO many places to sit other than his lap, c’mon
Ah, flatcest. If for some strange reason you don’t know what it is, Urban Dictionary defines it as: “The act of having sex with your uni flatmate even though it is inevitable that you’re going to have to live with each other afterwards.”
It is an emotive word that always provokes very strong reactions. This is especially true for those who have become the unfortunate soul banished to the role of third wheel under their own roof.
Freshers are frequently told under no uncertain terms to NEVER get with their flatmates, as a matter of absolute necessity. After all, there’s no need to make mornings, complete with crawling into the kitchen in your dressing gown and blindly feeling for the last end piece of bread, anymore painful than it already is.
So, why does it still happen? Perhaps it’s best to compare flatcest to a kind of disease caught at your most vulnerable and unsuspecting moment. How does the disease spread, I hear you ask? To the untrained eye, it can often feel like a mystery. But stress no longer, as it turns out there are 16 subtle tips and tricks that can help you spot when your flatmates are committing flatcest in your uni house:
1. They both seem to arrive downstairs at exactly the same time
That’s strange. Do you two share an alarm or something? Bonus suspicion points if their bedrooms aren’t even on the same floor…
2. They’ve both left the room for a bit too long now
I thought you guys were just grabbing a drink? Well… How thirsty are you? Why do both of you need to go? Are you bringing it back in buckets or something?
3. Some people’s Secret Santa presents were noticeably better than others
Not to sound jealous or anything, but last year you only got me a few packets of sweets, yet Johnathan over here has a shiny new pair of converse. Very interesting indeed…
4. There’s palpable tension when your flatmates shag other people
Nobody has said a word for the entire taxi ride home, and someone looks like they’re trying not to cry. We all know that feeling.
5. They’ve gone to extreme efforts to refer to each other as ‘pal’ or ‘mate’
Hey pals, you’re not fooling anyone. We all heard the noises last night.
6. They get a bit too touchy-feely after a few drinks
You look, tired babe. If you need a nap, feel free to go up to bed you don’t need to rest your head on his shoulder like that.
7. Two pillows are mysteriously missing from someone’s double bed
This one is especially strange because other than that, Sarah’s bedroom seems in immaculate condition considering she’s just woken up and rushed off to her 9am. No shame here. We’re all on a student budget, but are pillows really *that* expensive?
8. They have developed their own secret language
There’s a lot of eyes involved here, looking at each other, looking to the floor.
9. Someone is washing their sheets a LOT more often than everyone else
All I’m saying is: the fabric softener is running out a little too quickly for my liking…
10. Nobody understands their inside jokes
They’re not laughing at me, are they? What is so funny? Stop whispering… STOP IT!
11. They seem to bring the other person up in just about any conversation
Oddly, specific details are consistently littered into conversations. Every time someone orders a blue lagoon from Spoons, it needs to be mentioned that it’s Jake’s favourite drink. Why do you know which uni his brother went to? Or his parents’ first names? More importantly: WHY WON’T YOU SHUT UP ABOUT IT???
12. They walk at the back of the group together
Where have they gone? Oh… They’re all the way back there… Don’t worry, guys, I’ll just lead the way, I guess…
13. It always goes quiet when someone else enters the room
Don’t mind me, guys. I’m not trying to interrupt. I just accidentally left my phone in the kitchen…
14. Are they playing footsie under the table?!??
15. Personal space is no longer an issue
Why, in a house with three sofas, do they feel the need to be breathing down each other’s necks 24/7.
16. Aren’t those clothes a bit big for you?
Is that his leavers’ hoodie? You have to be kidding me…
They seem to wear the smallest amount of clothes possible on a night out so that they can complain they are freezing and borrow his jacket. It’s become a little routine and this point, and it’s getting waaaay too predictable.