Thou shalt not: The 38 biggest lies we tell ourselves at uni during Freshers’ Week

No 11: I’ll never get embarrassingly drunk

In reality, we all lie to ourselves all the time. We also lie to others for that matter. It’s one of the sides of human nature we desperately suppress but it’s there, and if you say that’s not you then you’re the biggest liar of them all.

Of the many moments in our lives that create opportunity for lies, Freshers’ Week is arguably the biggest breeding ground for these mistruths. For example, you repeat to yourself over and over in the weeks running up: “I’m gonna make best friends for life in Freshers’ Week”, although you know full well that’s categorically impossible.

“That’s not too concerning”, we hear you say. No, I suppose this small and optimistic lie is not. Until you realise there are in fact 37 other lies that follow. Here they are:

1. I’ll stay together with my boyfriend/girlfriend from school

You may arrive at uni thinking your secondary school relationship is going to last – it’s not. One of you will hate the long distance, one of you will want to be single: it just won’t work.

2.  I will never miss a lecture

You’ve been going to school for 8:30am for most of your life, so why would you ever miss a lecture, right? Without your mum to force you out of bed and uni lecturers that literally do not care about you, coupled with the worst post-sports social hangovers, laying in your bed is always better than going to your lecture.

3. I will eat so healthily

You promised yourself you wouldn’t be THAT student: the one that eats pasta every night and orders takeaways. But, you’ve just got in from a “long” day at uni, you’re getting ready for a night out and don’t have time to cook anything moderately healthy so instead, you get on the Deliveroo app and order yourself the forth pizza of the week.

4. I’ll defo find my future husband during Freshers’ Week

While one of your new flatmates cries over her long-term school relationship ending you might be thinking you’ll find the love of your life at uni. I hate to break it to you but you really won’t. Either you’ll regretfully sleep with your dickhead flatmate after a night out or you’ll realise the boys at uni are really no different to the awful boys back home.

5. I’m gonna make best friends for life in Freshers’ Week

I hate to break it to you but for the vast majority of people, this is not true. Sure, you might hang out with some cool people from your halls or course during Freshers’. You might even keep in contact with a few of them beyond Freshers’ Week itself. However, if you think it makes sense that you’ll naturally become best mates with the group of randos you share a corridor with, then you’ve got a lot to learn my friend.

6. Freshers’ Week is going to be the best week of my life

Freshers’ Week is fun, don’t get me wrong, but it’s exhausting both physically and emotionally. 

7. Catered food isn’t that bad

Your halls will probably be whipping out all of their best meals during the first week or two, in order to avoid complaints from any lingering parents. As the year progresses, you will quickly realise that the meal you raved about initially (probs ravioli with tomato sauce), isn’t quite as tasty the 72nd time you eat it. In fact, it’s only three pieces of pasta in tomato soup. Oh, and there’s only enough cheese for the first seven people in line. 

8. I need to decide who I’m going to live with in second year RIGHT NOW

Stop. that. Now. Choosing your future housemates this early on will, without a doubt, result in a horrendous second year.

9.  I’m going to go to the gym every day 

To counteract all the boozing and takeout? Sounds like a pretty good idea, but that doesn’t mean that you’re actually going to do it. You’ll probably attempt it once but after three minutes on the treadmill your hangover takes the lead and the only place you can even consider running to for the next week is the bathroom. 

10. I’m going to reinvent myself

So outrageously transparent, sorry love.

11I’ll never get embarrassingly drunk

Talk to me after you’ve called your secondary school ex for the third night in a row.

12I’ll talk to my school friends every day

Some school friendships last through uni, however moving to uni makes you realise you were only friends with certain people because you saw each other five days a week in school. 

13. I’ll be really good with my money

For most freshers, this is the first time they’ve had to budget their money as you’re paying for all your food, clothes, bills yourself. However well you try and prepare yourself to budget, you’ll just end up getting drunk and buying everyone you know shots on a night out.

14. I won’t get homesick

Uni is the first time most people have lived away from home, and you might think being surrounded by your friends all the time means you’ll never be homesick – you will. 

15. I’ll regularly clean my en suite/the sink in my room

You’ll clean it twice in September, once in October and then never again. Ever.

16. I won’t go out if I have a 9am the next day

Peer pressure and FOMO will defo convince you to go out the night before your “really important 9am lecture”

17. I’m going to put loads of effort into my outfits for lectures

In the first few weeks, everyone will probably dress really nicely. By the time it’s deadline season, everyone will be wearing trackies and a hoodie looking like they’ve woken up about five minutes ago.

18. I’ll never leave coursework till the last minute

Honestly, procrastination just gets worse at university.

19. I would never sleep with a flatmate

So many people do this, but honestly don’t do it. It will make things so awkward if it ends badly. Don’t shit where you eat and all that.

20. I’m going to go visit all my home friends at their unis

This sounds like a great idea to keep in touch with all your home friends, until you realise how expensive train tickets are, even with a railcard. 

21. I’ll never be sick as a result of drinking

Except that you probably will, and then you’ll never want to touch cheap white wine ever again. Nor will the flatmate that was holding your hair back.

22. I’m gonna invite all of my best friends from home to come and stay in my tiny room

Even if you get as far as actually suggesting it in the group chat, it’ll probably never happen. You’re all going to be way too invested in your own uni fun to bother paying for a train ticket.

23. I’ll be really independent at uni

“Hi mum, I know this is the third time I’ve called you today but how long should I cook chicken for?”

24. There won’t be a huge pile of dirty clothes at the bottom of my wardrobe

There will be, Circuit Laundry is so damn expensive. You’ll wear your delicates one time and then wait until Christmas and take them home where mummy can wash them for you.

25. I’ll never get annoyed with my flatmates about silly things like washing up

Some people at uni are disgusting. One of your flatmates will leave their bowl of half-eaten food to “soak” for three days and you’ll end up sending a pass agg message into the group chat.

26. I’ll use all the recipe books I was given to use at uni all the time

The recipe books you were given will sit in a drawer in your kitchen and you’ll flick through them occasionally only to decide to make some pasta for the fourth night in a row.

27. It’s okay if I just dip into my overdraft

It is okay, as long as you don’t mind never ever leaving the minus zone again.

28. This bottle of vodka isn’t expensive as it’ll last for at least a week

Get ready for your tolerance to skyrocket. We’re talking half a bottle of Smirnoff in one night sometimes.

29.  I will do all my reading

You might…for the first week. After that you’ll realise half of it is boring or irrelevant.

30. I will join every society I signed up for

Freshers’ Fair consists of you giving every society your email so you can get free stuff from them and so they can contact you about their first meeting which you will never end up going to.

31. I’ll wash that up later

Or you won’t and in roughly three weeks time you’ll be throwing that furry IKEA saucepan in the bin

32. Everyone will stick to the cleaning rota

Just try not to be that person that is always complaining about the slightest mess in the kitchen.

33. No one would be stupid enough to deliberately set off the fire alarm for fun

Wrong again, we’re afraid. You better get ready for this to become a weekly occurrence. Maybe pencil it in for 4am every Friday.

34. I’ll never cry

Sorry but you really will.

35. I won’t eat supper so that my alcohol goes further

Technically this one isn’t a lie, and you’ll probably try it at some point. However, even if you don’t end up being violently sick, the intense hangover will be enough to make you never do this again.

36. 2-for-£5 wine won’t taste too bad

Yes, it will. Think citric acid vibes.

37. I’ll wear all of my school first team kit around so that people know I’m cool and fit

Or people will just think you need to grow up. Being the school rowing captain isn’t that impressive now that you live in a city with no rivers.

38. The Christian Union won’t keep contacting me for the next three years if I have one tiny little cheese toasty

Yes. they. will.

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