Dear boys: This is how not to be a dick now that clubs have re-opened

Today, July the 19th, is so-called Freedom Day. England has lifted nearly all of its Covid-19 restrictions, putting an end to limits on social contact. Masks no longer have to be worn in shops. There are no limits to the number of guests at weddings and funerals. And most importantly, clubs will finally re-open.

Clubs can be scary places when you’re a woman. I should know, I am one. I cannot count the sheer number of times my night has been ruined by a creepy guy hitting on me or my friends, making us feel immensely uncomfortable and desperate to leave.

Well, women have waited just as long as men for the re-opening of clubs and we deserve to feel just as safe as we celebrate this return to normality.

So guys, listen up. Instead of acting like total dicks and creeping out every girl there (whether intentionally or not) why not act like decent human beings? Not because it will help you pull better, but because it’s the right thing to do.

And to help you out, we’ve compiled a list of all the things you can do in order to not be a dick in clubs. Because it really is time for a change. Yours sincerely, women.

Shut up

Let me set the scene. I’ve spent a good hour or so (let’s be honest probably longer because I’ve been feeding my face and Netflixing at the same time) getting ready for a night out and I look good. In the words of Nessa from Gavin and Stacey: “I know. I feels it.”

But I do not need to be told I look good as I walk to pres by men cat-calling me and giving me a full body stare as they drunkenly stagger to a club. Just shut up and go on your merry way, because now I feel uncomfortable and not like the badass bitch I felt when I left. So, cheers for that.

Stop touching us

Every girl has experienced a guy walking past her, allegedly to get to the bar or catch up with a friend, but on his way he’s grabbed your thighs or waist. Sometimes, they have the audacity to brush their crotch against you as they walk past and claim, “it’s crowded,” when you call them out on it. And don’t even get me started on the gropes in queues to get into clubs.

Just stop with the unsolicited groping, touching and grabbing. Please. It’s creepy, gross and completely non-consensual. Thanks.

Take a hint

This one is pretty easy. If you’re trying to dance with a girl and she’s not really into it, just take a hint and leave her alone. Don’t try to take her somewhere else, thinking it’ll make her feel more comfortable, because reality check, it won’t. And don’t start hitting on her friends instead either, because they will be even less interested in you than she was.

And if you notice her friends are cock-blocking you, chances are she wants them to and is hoping it’ll make you leave. Some girls (take it from one of them) even have secret gestures or code words for when a guy won’t leave us alone and we need our friends to intervene. So, on behalf of women everywhere, please just take the hint.

Hand us our drinks

Here’s one for bartenders. When you’ve made our drink, please hand it to us directly instead of putting it down on the bar where someone could spike it. We understand it might slow you down by a few seconds but it would really help to keep us safe, especially as drink spiking increased by 108 per cent between 2015-2018.

Oh, and if we ask you for a glass of water for our friend, please can we have it quickly? I don’t mean to sound rude but I’m sure rugby lad Keith can wait a minute for his Jaegers, whilst you get a drink for someone desperately in need of sobering up.

Don’t make assumptions

Just because a girl is dancing with you, it doesn’t mean she’s going to sleep with you. Just because a girl lets you buy her a drink, it doesn’t mean she’s going to sleep with you. And just because a girl asks to use your lighter in the smoking area, yes you guessed it, it doesn’t mean she’s going to sleep with you.

Especially post-lockdown, please don’t get the ridiculous thought into your mind that just because women have been in lockdown that we’ll be desperate for some action and that you sleeping with us would be a huge favour. Because it’s just not true.

And finally, don’t assume that all women who reject you are “frigid” or “gay.” It just means we aren’t that into you.

Don’t wait outside for us

Please stop your last ditch attends to pull someone by hanging around outside the exits to clubs at the end of the evening. It’s weird and makes you look lame and lonely. And if we’ve said no already, what makes you think at the end of the night, when we’re desperate to go home and get a Maccies on the way, we’ll suddenly change our minds?

No means no

Finally, and this stands for every single human being out there, no means no. It does not mean: “Ask me again after I’ve had a few more drinks.” It does not mean: “Let me swoop in for a kiss and then you won’t be able to resist me”. It just means no. End of.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• ‘It’s not appealing any more’: These young people aren’t going clubbing when lockdown ends

• Listen up: You really don’t need to lose any weight by June 21st

• Here are 24 of the grossest things we all used to do before coronavirus